Perseverance (The Resident FF) by Frances51163

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE: Anger

Authors' Note

The following Chapter deals with the issue of self harm (cutting) but does not contain anything graphic.

Night had fallen when Conrad next opened his eyes. He frowned trying to remember going to bed. He couldn't. Turning over onto his right side he noted a fresh bandage on his left arm. That stirred memories to awaken and he recalled Jude walking in on him. He cursed in the dim light and went to push himself up when a hand on his chest stopped him.

"You stay where you are," Jude directed firmly as he easily pushed his friend back against the pillows.
"What are you still doing here?"
"You expected me to leave you?" the Surgeon asked as he sat down on the side of the bed.
"You must have better things to do," Conrad self consciously put his left arm under the covers as he turned onto his back.
"You want to tell me about your arm?"
"It's nothing. Just a scratch."
"Those wounds aren't scratches," Jude stated gently, "so how long has it been going on?"
"What?" Conrad didn't meet the older mans' eyes.
"Those wounds were caused by a sharp object. I'm guessing a knife."
"Don't know what you're talking about," the fair haired man went to turn away but was quickly stopped.
"Conrad you have two choices here. You can either tell us what's going on or you're going to hospital."
"There's nothing going on!"
"You seem to think you're not allowed to show emotions or complain when things are bad. You need to know you are allowed to and no one will think any less of you."
"What are you talking ab....," Conrad paused as something struck him and he raised his eyes to look at his dark haired friend worriedly, "you said 'tell us'. Who did you talk to?"

"Only me," a new voice entered the conversation and the prone man shot a look of betrayal at the Surgeon.
"Mike I'm sorry. He shouldn't have bothered you."
"He didn't. I always have time for you Conrad. Now how about you tell us how long you've been cutting yourself?"
"How about I tell ye where to go?!"
"Okay," the Psychiatrist replied without rancour as he pulled over a chair closer to the bed and sat down, "and then you answer the question. Bottling things up hasn't been working for you. Why not give talking a go?"
"I ........ can't. I already told ye enough."
"Obviously you didn't," Jude spoke succinctly.
"I want ye to go."
"Well we will. Once you talk to us about what's going on," Mike assured calmly as he assessed the man before him, "you developed a serious infection. I'm guessing that accounts for your obvious lack of appetite and weight loss."
"I'm tired," Conrad tried to cut off the determined duo.
"Well that's probably the first honest thing you've said since you woke up," Jude acknowledged then continued relentlessly, "so when did you start cutting yourself?"
"I didn't .......,"
"Sooner you admit it the sooner we can start dealing with the real issue," Mike persisted frankly.
"Conrad it's okay," Jude looked down at his friend thoughtfully, "sometimes things get too much and we need a release. That's what cutting is so talk to us. How old were you when you started? You have old scars."
"Don't know," Conrad eventually broke the silence hesitantly as his right hand fidgeted with the covers betraying his anxiety.
"Well with the amount of stress you've been dealing with lately it's not surprising you fell back into old habits," Mike assessed for the Surgeon and himself had checked the younger man fully when he was insensate, knowing he wouldn't submit willingly to an examination if awake, "but for now you need to rest."
"No I don't," Conrad frowned around a yawn.
"Yes you do," Jude rose to his feet taking the Psychiatrists' hint and turned off the bedside lamp, "besides you told us a minute ago you were tired."
"Get some rest," Mike pushed his chair back as he stood up, "we'll be here."
"No need to stay," the weary man insisted rubbing his eyes as a shroud of darkness enveloped him.

Fifteen minutes later Jude and Mike sat quietly at the kitchen counter, nursing mugs of coffee, keeping an eye on their friend for any sign of him returning to the waking world.

"You know on paper Conrad had the perfect childhood," Jude sighed rubbing a hand down his face, "two parents and a mansion and wealth."
"You and I both know wealth has nothing to do with this."
"Yeah I know. That's why I said 'on paper' but the thing is given what he went through, at least the bits we know about, he should have turned out totally different. He's passionate about his patients. Is willing to put himself out for them no matter what the personal consequences. He's confident but not big headed."
"I agree. I think he obviously takes after his mother. Not that he said much about her but it's obvious he loved her greatly."
"Yeah," Jude agreed thoughtfully, "you think we can get him talking?"
"Yes but he won't make it easy," Mike stated ruefully, "his childhood in some ways defined his character traits. He learnt early on to be self reliant. Most of us don't learn that until our teens. Hence he views sharing his troubles as giving up some element of independence."
"You deal with many cases of self harm by cutting?" the Surgeon asked wanting to know as much as he could about the condition.
"Several. Mostly female patients but a small percentage of males also self mutilate."
"'Mutilate' sounds worse than cutting."
"True but it's the exact same thing. It's like a release valve. People take all their pent up anger and hurt and direct it inward."
"You think he's a danger to himself?" Jude reluctantly voiced the question which had been plaguing him since he unwrapped the bloody bandage around the infected limb, "he obviously wasn't even cleaning the wounds."
"For now I think we'll just see how things go. I don't believe he's in self destruct mode if that's what you're worried about."
"Cutting himself isn't self destruct mode?"
"Not in this case. For the moment anyway. Hopefully we can get him to open up a bit and acknowledge that the cutting isn't helping in the long run."
"I only came across a couple of cases in Emergency when I did my rotation there years ago but I really don't know much about it."
"Which is why you called me," Mike nodded in agreement, "and don't worry Conrad won't stay mad at you for long."
"Define 'long'," Jude ordered ruefully.
"Well look at it this way there's two of us. He can't win," Mike winked trying to alleviate some of the worry they both felt for the young man.
"Not sure I'd take those odds. He can be stubborn when he wants to be."
"When he feels he 'needs' to be," the older man amended, "we just have to be patient."
"Sounds easy when you put it that way."
"I know it does," the Psychiatrist sighed, "but it won't be. He's worth it though."
"No argument from me," Jude looked over at the object of their concern wondering if they would ever unlock all of his carefully hidden secrets.

tbc