Perseverance (The Resident FF) by Frances51163

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: Guilt

The weekend found Eric and Danny at Conrads' door an the early hour of nine a.m. on Saturday morning. The tired man grumbled upon letting the pair in.

"Guys this is becoming a bit of a habit."
"Well what can you expect when you don't return our texts or calls" Danny asked as he helped himself to a glass of milk.
"Was going to get back to ye."
"When?" Eric demanded as he went over and plonked down on the couch.
"When I had a chance," Conrad headed over to his sleeping area to get dressed as he had only just stepped out of the shower when he buzzed his friends in.
"So when did you get that?" Eric pointed to the dressing on the bare midriff.
"It's nothing," Conrad had forgotten, due to exhaustion, to hide the wound.
"Sure," Dannys' voice betrayed his disbelief, "think it's about time we had a chat buddy."
"About what?" the fair haired man paused in pulling on a dark green jumper and looked over with a frown.
"About what's going on with you," Danny stated honestly as he placed the now rinsed glass on the dishwasher.
"Nothing's going on."
"You never were a good liar," Eric sighed.
"Look guys I wasn't expecting ye," Conrad finished getting dressed quickly and walked over to his friends who now were both sitting on the couch, "maybe we could meet up some night next week."
"Now is good for us."
"Well it's not good for me."
"Two against one you lose," Danny spoke unrepentantly.
"Look I don't know what ye think ye're doing but I'm heading out."
"We'll tag along."
"No ye won't," Conrad was trying to remain calm but it was proving difficult especially as he had no where to go.
"Just sit down a minute and talk to us please?" Eric looked up at his friend, willing him to agree, "there's something we need to talk to you about."
"What is it? Is there trouble with the garage?" Conrad sat down on the end of the couch worriedly hoping the pair hadn't encountered problems with their new venture.

"No. The purchase is going through. No hassle."
"So what's wrong?"
"We have a friend we're concerned about," Danny explained sharing a look with the man beside him which went unnoticed by the pale man as he was rubbing his red rimmed eyes, "we need some help with him."
"What's wrong with him?"
"Well he's had problems with PTSD in the past but as we all know Afghanistan can come back at any time."
"He served?"
"Yeah," Eric took up the rundown, "he hasn't been sleeping and looks wrecked."
"He won't go to his Doctor?"
"No."
"Well I don't really know what I can do," Conrad shrugged his shoulders, "does he have a Counsellor?"
"We don't know. You think he should talk to one?"
"Depends. Is there a way to get him to come to Chastain? I know one of the Psychiatrists there. He'd see him if it suits."
"You talk to him?" Danny checked casually.
"We work in the same hospital so yeah," Conrad frowned.
"He easy to talk to?"
"Very."
"You never asked for our friends' name?" Eric pointed out an oversight.
"Figured ye wanted to keep his business private."
"Conrad," Eric leaned forward on the couch and turned towards the other fair haired man, "it's you."
"What's me?"
"You're our friend. We're worried about you."
"Come off it!" Conrad stood up angrily.
"Listen we just ....,"
"What the hell kind of game are ye playing?" Conrad paced in front of the duo.
"Not playing games. Have you looked in a mirror lately? If you did you'd see why we're worried. You could give a ragdoll a run for its' money," Danny gestured to the loose faded tattered jeans which hung low on his friends' hips, too low, "it's obvious you're not eating. Heck you've lost weight since we arrived."
"If it was me or Danny in your condition you'd be concerned too," Eric stood up and stopped his friend pacing with a hand on his shoulder, "tell us what's going on with you."
"Look I really appreciate ......,"
"Don't dare try to brush us off! We already lost Andy. Don't need to lose you too. Now sit down and just talk to us."
"What do ye want to talk about?" Conrad allowed himself to be guided back to the couch tiredly.
"You feeling guilty over Andy?"
"Why would you ask that?"
"Because we know what happened the night he took his life," Danny spoke softly, "you never told you us he did it at Chastain when you were there."
"Yeah well didn't matter if I was there or not. He still jumped."
"But you know that's not on you right? Andy made the choice to do what he did."
"Sure I know that," the Resident uttered the words but there was no weight behind them.
"But you still feel responsible," Eric made a statement rather than asking a question.
"Hell yeah I feel responsible! If I had read the signs earlier I might have stopped him."
"And you might not have. There's no guilt or blame for you to carry Conrad," Eric offered sincerely, "you've got to start believing that."
"How did ye find out about Andy?" the surprised man wondered.
"Doesn't matter," Danny refused to divulge the information as per the promise to the Security Guards, "thing is though we should have heard it from you."
"Wasn't important."

"So what's with your stomach?" Eric decided to change the topic slightly.
"Had an accident that's all."
"Okay," Danny ran a hand through his hair as he decided not to pursue the issue and got back to the more serious one, "I don't mind saying I've had some nightmares since Andy. Brought back a lot of stuff I hadn't thought about in a while."
"I can give you Mike Gibsons' number. Like I said he's easy to talk to."
"But you don't talk to him?"
"Work with him," the Resident replied honestly, he was not going to bring up the discussion he had avoided about Afghanistan and definitely not the one about his childhood. That was a different Pandoras' box.
"How about you talk to us about your nightmares?" Eric offered genuinely, "after all we went through a lot over there together."
"Never said I had nightmares."
"Hell man you didn't have to. It's only natural."
"They're the reason you dread going to sleep yet you want to sleep just to forget. It becomes a vicious cycle," Danny spoke from experience, "anyone with PTSD probably knows that."
"I don't .....,"
"Nothing wrong with having PTSD. Be surprising if you didn't after everything."
"I never said I had PTSD."
"Never said you didn't either and before you try denying it I have PTSD so don't dare try to make me feel like it's something to be ashamed of because it's not!" Danny ordered angrily.
"I didn't mean ....... I ......,"
"He knows you didn't mean to upset him but you got to understand being sick or hurt isn't something to be embarrassed about."

Conrad heard those same words being spoken to him yet again. Lately they seemed to be the background theme to his life. Mike, Mack, Danny. They all said those words so convincingly, so confidently. As if the words were true. How could he ever explain that he knew different? He had learnt different. He was different. It had been engrained in him as he was growing up that any illness or sickness was a weakness on his part. His father had used words as nails to pound into him. No matter what people said he was different and sooner or later his friends would work that out and walk away for good.

tbc