A Chain Reaction; Moons on the Twist

10. Secret Crush

Secret Crush

I watched Beam quickly dissapeare among the dancing crowd. I scanned the packed dance floor, flooded with nothing but colorful disco lights. There's no way I could spot him here. He must have slipped away through the crowd and out of the club and I’m positive that he’s already on his way home.

I strode along the corridor and through the exit, walked into the parking lot. Yep, Beam’s car is nowhere in sight. I slowly walked towards my motorbike and patted my leather jacket. I fished out my pack of Dunhil and the lighter. Leaning on the leather seat I placed a stick between my lips and lit it. With every Inhale and fill of nicotine in my lungs, I started relaxing. I looked up at the sky and sighed.

It won’t be a big deal if I didn’t know what I knew few weeks ago. People had been walking in on me having sex at clubs all the time. I’m not a modest person. Even if it had been Beam, I would have joked with him and forgotten about it later. But it’s different now.

My mind snapped back to that night I went to Beam’s house with Mingkawn.

I was talking with Pha so seriously I didn’t know it was late. Kit had disappeared and Mingkawn went home refusing my request to stay. He said he’s not drunk anymore. Pha said goodnight and left to sleep in one of the guest rooms. I went out for my final stick for the day and came back and started switching off lights before laying down on one of the sofas.

I leaned down to unlace my boots and saw Beam past out on the rug. I paused. I couldn’t let our host sleep on the floor, even if the rug covering the floor is plush and expensive. Beam is a refined guy. He always had a taste for fine expensive things.

I dragged my feet to where he was sprawled on the floor and squatted down.

“Hey, Beam?” I shook his shoulder gently. “Beam, wake up.” He didn’t move. I touched his face and tapped his cheeks gently.

“Mmmmm….” He pushed my hand away.

“Ai’Beam? If you can’t go upstairs, at least move to the sofa.” I touched his face again. He just kept on snoring lightly. I scratched my head. Wise thing should have been to leave him on the floor. But I was drunk too.
So I slipped on hand under his knees and other under his shoulders and hauled him up. He's not light. I didn’t expect him to be. He’s a full grown male after all. But I lift weights and I do heavier weight than him at the gym usually.

I carried him to the sofa and placed him gently down. But before I could retrieve my arms from under his body, his eyes fluttered open. He stared up at me and his expression changed into something tender. In all those years I’ve known him, he’s never looked at me that way.

Before I could talk to him, he lifted on hand and touched my cheek tenderly. I was frozen on the spot not knowing what to do, how to respond. Did he mistake me for someone else?

“Forth.” He sighed and smiled at me. I was totally petrified. “I know you will notice me some day.” He sighed and closed his eyes. I waited an eternity for him to speak again, with my arms still around him. But he didn’t.

I removed myself from him and sat on the love seat next to him. Instead of going to sleep I watched his sleeping figure in the semi darkness.

I’ve been with many people. I was sexuality active by the time I was thirteen. When I was eighteen I found out that I have a taste for both genders. So I slept with whoever I wanted because in my defense, you’re only young once. I will settle down when I’m older.

Now I have passed my twenty fifth miles stone in my life but settling down is still far away in my mind. I didn’t exactly played with hearts. People sleeping with me know I don’t do relationships. So it’s fair for both parties.

So I really can’t get involve with my friend. Because he’s my friend. I don’t want our relationship to be awkward. Because as an engineering boy I value friendship and I’m loyal to my friends. I don’t give a damn about my one night stands I pick up from the clubs.

It’s not that I don’t find Beam attractive. He’s very hot. And he’s exactly my type. Our personalities polar opposite which is something I like in my sexual endeavors. He has very fair skin and he’s smaller than me. But I don’t hit on my friends.

I hope Beam won’t remember this in the morning.

I was watching him discreetly all morning while he was walking around the kitchen and making breakfast. We were all preoccupied by Kit’s dilemma of 'who carried him to bed.’ So I told them that it could be Mingkawn. Kit’s face turned beat red at the mention of my junior. I really don’t know what their deal is.
Among the chaos of teasing, swearing and insulting, I almost forgot about my own problem. Beam treated me exactly the same way he always did. Thank God he doesn’t remember. Things can go back to normal soon. It must be some kind of a passing fancy. I mean beam is completely straight. As a matter of fact he’s the ultimate Casanova among us. I’m sure I must have heard him wrong. I sighed in relief.

And then today happened. I was going back inside the rest room to get my jacket. When I bumped on to someone at the door, I thought it was Nick still there cleaning up. Because there wasn’t enough time for some one else to get in there without me noticing. Unless this someone had already been there trapped inside while we were having sex, seeing and hearing it all. I wouldn’t give a fuck if it’s some stranger. But to my initial horror and later regret, it was Beam.

It was Beam, who most possibly harboring secret feelings for me. If I had any doubts about his feelings about me, his reaction today confirmed it. He was very upset. I could tell. And the worse thing is there’s nothing I could do for him. And it pains me knowing that he’s hurting. This is so fucked up.

I dropped the but on the ground and crushed it with my boot. I kicked the bike stand up and swung my leg over my bike and straddled it. I contemplated few seconds before kick starting the bike and zipping away from the parking lot.

I rode up and down several times in front of Beam’s house. It was completely dark. Either he hasn’t come home or he’s already in bed. On second thoughts he might be crashing at Kit's or Pha's.

Finally after half an hour, I decided to go home. Maybe it’s good to give him few days to cool off. Then we can talk and clear things up. I don’t even know what to tell him. But I can’t loose my friend. I need to make things right soon.