All The Hurt Would Go Away

Just a stone throw from home...

"Morning"
Me and Lin sat at the table eating in silence, him trying to spark conversation but failing nonetheless.
"I'm sorry okay? I wasn't thinking at the time. Come on it's just gonna make the day harder."
"Isn't it hard enough?"
My voice cracked as Lin's eyes softened and he dropped the subject continuing to eat in silence. I gathered the bowls and spoons and washed them up - I don't care if I'm upset I'm still washing up. Lin left me alone for the rest of the day and I stayed upstairs since going outside wasn't really ending well for me. Unsure of what to do I decided to write a letter addressed to my mother telling her everything that's happened. Whether I send it or not would be another matter but I need to get it off of my chest.
Dear Mum,
I've never written you a letter before, mainly because we see each other most of the time but I haven't contacted you recently and wanted to give you the full story as to why. I doubt you remember this but, three years ago I didn't talk to you for about five months. I never mentioned it again and neither did you but I feel it's been tugging on our minds since. I met a guy, Andrew Rannells, the guy we saw in Falsettos, which is why I left early. Well, at first it was a dream, I was happy and he was the best man I'd ever met who could make me feel so nervous and excited at the same time. Butterflies erupted in my stomach from only a text and it was the best few weeks of my life. I wish I'd told you this when it happened instead of bottling it up. We've never kept secrets, not since father left. I'm sorry mum, I really am, it was my mistake. He raped me. From late at night into the early hours of the morning I was at his mercy. I won't go into the details since I struggle even now at the mention of anything to do with it. I called a cab and went to Lin's and he tried to piece me back together again in those five months. I didn't want to talk to you because I was so ashamed, please forgive me. I felt so stupid for being so naïve that I couldn't face you. I still can't as you can tell by this letter. Me, Lin and Vanessa his ex went and managed to get him in prison for what he did. For three years. Totalling to now as he plays Whizzer in Falsettos. I don't know what to do, I love him and I can't escape that but I can't escape the flashbacks I'm getting from it. Seeing him again triggered everything to come back and it wasn't your fault you didn't know at the time, it was my fault for not telling you. Everything was my fault. Sometimes I wish I could just
My hand froze, no matter how truthful I'm being I could never say that to my own mother. I'm all she's ever had once Dad left. No siblings, no father figure just me and mum my whole life. Even telling her this is a push but I've got to come clean. I can't just cross that sentence out now since it'll look obvious, rephrasing the sentence I managed to change it slightly.
Sometimes I wish I could just redo that point and make all the right decisions that you taught me to make. Not the ones I foolishly made. I don't know if this letter will ever reach your hands but if it does. I love you mum. I know I tell you all the time but I don't know how to phrase even a sentence to describe how grateful I am to you for bringing me up all by yourself and always being there for me. I would never ever change my childhood for the world since I got to spend it with the most beautiful lady inside and out as my mother.
Love you always and incredibly sorry for my mistakes,
Jonny.
I folded it and put it in an envelope feeling more free and loose. Smiling I settled into bed for a quick nap since last night was a long one for sure. I awoke to the smell of food and rushed downstairs to see Lin cooking up some salad type dish he called 'Arabic Fattoush Salad' saying it was Stacy's favourite lunchtime meal. Slightly smiling I nodded at him and we began to eat.
"I'm sorry Jon, I was mad and didn't think to remember how you feel about the topic and just used your weakest point against you. It was rude and incredibly harsh."
"It's fine, I mean, I can't hate you for too long anyway if I'm living here for a while."
He lightly chuckled and we continued eating, me washing up the plates again.
"Jon, you really should let someone else do it, I feel bad each time."
"You make the meal, I wash up. It's equal."
"Yes but sometimes it's an easy meal but it makes a mess."
"It's not the mess I care about it's the bubbles, even you know that."
He laughed walking out of the kitchen leaving me to finish off. The letter remained on my desk and it still bothered me on whether to even post it or whether I was just spilling words on a page and it won't make sense. Either way my mother will know something's wrong and ask, which could be a good or bad thing depending on whether I was having good or bad luck that day. She needs to know whether or not I want to tell her, she's my mother, I don't want to break our no secrecy bond when the letter is only upstairs. This letter could solve it all, or it could crumble it all down.