All The Hurt Would Go Away

Just stay right here...

"Jon?!"
I heard Lin call from the porch, unable to move I stayed on the floor and waited for him to walk in.
"Jon?"
He was just outside the door, I tried to shout 'yes' but it just sounded like a raspy chain of groaning. Lin must have heard me so he opened the door and simply froze staring at me on the floor.
"Holy shit."
Another sob racked through my body as I heaved and retched in pain. Dried blood was on the carpet from my wrists and I couldn't stop shaking, I felt weak, just like he said I was. Lin still stood in the doorway watching me with wide eyes, I could only imagine what I looked like right now, he was probably frozen in shock. I was a bother, more and more proof is taking place just to show how much the planet wants to be rid of me.
"Jon -"
A pause filled the room as he began to study the area around me looking at the dried blood on the carpet and my bleeding wrists.
"- you need to see someone. This, this is not recovery."
He gestured towards me, I hid my face in shame.
"But, let's fix you up first so you can tell me what happened."
He slowly walked towards me keeping his arms in front of him so I could see them. Kneeling down next to me he took my hands in his and examined how bad the cuts were on my arms. Judging by his facial expression it wasn't looking good at all.
"You realise you could die if you scratch these cuts too deep?"
I nodded and tears brewed in his eyes.
"D-Do you want to die?"
Lin's voice cracked as he watched a tear slip down my cheek answering his question. He pulled me into a tight hug knocking the air out of my lungs and held me tight. I lightly coughed and he loosened his grip sitting opposite me.
"Jon, this cannot be the end of it. You are so much stronger than that. You've stayed brave through the unthinkable. I know you may not think you are brave right now but even having the guts to talk to this man is commendable. Don't let this diagnosis fool you into thinking you're worthless, talk to me. I'm always here for you, you know that right?"
I nodded and Lin breathed an 'okay' to himself before standing up and then hoisting me up with my arm around his shoulders. He walked me to the bathroom and sat me on the lid of the toilet seat as he took my arm and placed it beneath the cold tap water. I flinched immediately at the pain and tried to pull my arm away but Lin held it still, wiping away the dried blood. He then bandaged this arm up and did the same for the other arm. When I was all cleaned up he walked me over to the guest bedroom.
"This is where you'll be then. It's not much sorry, is it okay if I ask you one question before I make dinner?"
I nodded my head, my speech was still lacking.
"You must have ripped of the bandages to do that damage and, by ripped I mean to shreds with how they look."
I averted my eyes.
"How can I stop you from doing that if you get a flashback without putting you in a fucking straight jacket?"
I looked up at him and he seemed frustrated, not with me but with the situation. Was there no way of stopping me from harming myself? Was I a lost cause? Lin sighed and left the room closing the door behind him as I fell backwards on to the bed. I looked at my bandaged arms from my wrist to elbow. If dried blood reached the carpet how deep did I go during the flashback? Was I going to die? I wanted to so badly but I was scared that I would do so without thinking. If each flashback begins a suicidal tendency, then comes suicidal attempts before suicide is reached. Am I just going down the line? My phone lit up and I reached over to see a new text message:
Andy:
Meet me at 7 in
the park if you
want to get better.
I gulped then winced at the pain in my throat.

Me:
I can't even
speak thanks to
you so it won't
help much.

He didn't reply, meaning the question still hung in the air. How will I get out without Lin and how will I even walk there in the first place? I managed to walk down the stairs with 90% of my body weight on the banister, and told Lin that me and my mum are going to meet at 7 in the park.
"How are you going to get there?"
I felt guilty doing this but it had to be done.
"My mum gave me these crutches so I'd be able to get there. I won't need you to take me so it'll be easier."
He hesitantly agreed that I could go out, at 5:30 I left with low self esteem knowing that walking a five minute walk in 30 minutes was nowhere near enough time for my state. I bought the crutches from my cousin saying they were for a friend in hospital which got them immediately mailed over. The bandages on my arms rubbed against the handles of the crutches causing pain every step but if it helps me walk so be it. Eventually I saw the park clearing and Andrew rushed towards me and walked me over to a park bench.
"Y-Yo-ou're a dick."
"I know."
He sighed
"I just thought it would cause you to actually listen with full attention to what I was saying without bias."
I shook my head in disbelief. Is he kidding me?
"I know nothing I say seems true after what I did but you have to give me another chance."
I pointed out the freshly bandaged cuts on my arms and he groaned.
"Out of all the places I could of caused you pain I had to choose the wrists."
I raised an eyebrow.
"Look at yourself! You are so fucking close to being claimed suicidal all because of me! How do you think that makes me feel? If you die from this that'll be the end of me."
I scoffed then winced at the dryness of my throat. He looked over at me and his eyes softened.
"I wasn't joking. When I said I would fix you. I'll do whatever it takes whether it be paying for hospital trips or spoiling you like mad."
He looked away
"I'd do anything for you to love me again."
His voice broke and he started to cry, it started out a few tears but it got to a point where he was breaking down. I wanted to comfort him but I could barely move my arms. It would be a dick move to walk away so I just waited fiddling with the hem of my bandages. That lasted for at least 5 minutes before he spoke up.
"C-Can I give you a hug?"
I hesitated causing him to cry more, I didn't want another panic attack but he was so upset. I slowly nodded and he smiled back. It was such a light hug, he didn't squeeze his arms around me, he was barely touching me. His head was nestled into the crook of my neck though and I lifted my arm to stroke his hair like I used to, my arm still hurt but I had to show in some form it was requited if not verbally. We sat like that for an hour before we began to get moving. It was harder for Andrew since I wasn't giving him the 'silent treatment' but I was forced to but because of his attempt of getting me to listen over the phone. It began to rain on the walk back and I didn't bring a coat making it even harder for me, the bandages began to soak through and my cuts started to bleed through the white cotton. The handles of the crutches didn't help either as they rubbed on the open wounds. I got to Lin's house and pressed the doorbell, he opened it after the first ring and immediately pulled me inside walking me to the sofa, he then tried to stop the cuts from bleeding and ran a bath for me. He left me in the bathroom with the water prepared and dumped a pile of spare clothes on the floor while he simply said:
"I know you didn't see your mum I called her so I don't know what the fuck you did but it was clearly a mistake. Fix yourself up and meet me downstairs and I expect the truth."