All The Hurt Would Go Away

The road gets rougher...

"Jon?"
"Jon talk to me"
"Jon what did he do?"
I sat still watching the kids play with their toys, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. The last day, the last night, it made me wish I could lose my memory again. My view was blocked when Lin crouched down in front of me looking into my eyes.
"Jon don't block me out, what did he do?"
"Can you not speak?"
"Did he -?"
"- Can I go back to my house?"
He leant back, obviously surprised by what I said.
"Are you sure? I-I mean yeah, yeah you can. I just thought - never mind I'll just drive you there. Let me call my parents for the kids."
I smiled at his parents as I left with Lin behind me.
"I respect the fact you didn't want to say anything in front of my kids. I didn't realise, but please tell me what happened, I can't help you without knowing."
"Just give me a couple days Lin. Alone."
I could tell he was worried, for the rest of the journey he kept eyeing me.
"Can I check up on you each day? Just a visit, to see how you're doing. I won't ask what happened or anything."
"If you wish."
And with that I left the car and walked into my house, well, with all the visits this house has had it might as well be the town hall. I walked up to my room, and fell onto the bed, for the first time I cried. I hadn't allowed myself to cry the whole time. I just lay there, staring at the ceiling with tears running down my face. I cried for the fact I would never feel safe, how I had been fully violated, how such a small fling three years ago had ruined everything. Finally I cried for the fact that Andrew will never truly leave my life, everywhere I go he'll be in my head, walking with me, pushing me to silence. I cried until my throat was sore and I had no tears left then stayed in my room until nighttime. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell Lin what Andrew did on the last day, I don't think I can face it myself. So, I did what Lin always does, I wrote. Pages and pages of utter word spill until I felt that the words were all out and my hand was sore. The papers were all around me, some on the floor, some littered on my desk and some on my bed because I needed to stretch out every now and then. Once I was done I opened an empty folder and placed each page inside it accordingly, yes I number my pages don't at me. Then I hid the folder and looked out the window to see the sunlight through the blinds, the joy of it was I wasn't even tired. Maybe I've just gone numb, did Andrew change me into a weaker version of himself? I walked downstairs and saw a parcel next to the door with a note attached:

I stayed true to my word as you will to yours, you were fun to play with Jon.
Your nightmare,
Andrew.

I felt sick to the stomach as I opened the parcel to reveal a brand new phone. Instead of getting all excited I chose to wait for Lin so I can sort this out with him. I don't want to keep any sort of gift from Andrew no matter how expensive it is. I don't even want to give it to a fan either, I want to burn the thing. Leaving the phone by the door (hoping it would get stolen) I moved to my laptop to see what's been going on for the past week when I saw a video pop up from the latest Broadway Backwards last night. I was supposed to be in that, prepared a song and everything, oh well. I saw Andrew and clicked on it, with full knowledge it will destroy me but I still want to see it.

Good riddance goodbye
Every trick of his
You're on to
But fools will be fools
And where's he gone to?
The road gets rougher
It's lonelier and tougher
With hope you burn up
Tomorrow he may turn up
There's just no let up
The live long night and day

I pressed pause and stared at the screen, how long was he planning that song for? It doesn't take a genius to see who and what it's about. It was only broadcasted a couple minutes ago as well, just more proof Andrew will never go away. A key clicked into the front door lock and before I could run and hide, Lin was standing in the doorway.
"You could've knocked instead of giving me a heart attack."
He looked over at my laptop then back at me.
"I see you've already had one. I watched it too and there's probably a speeding fine on its way to my house right about now."
"You didn't have to come, I'm alright."
"Sure."
He then showed me the phone from behind his back, he must've picked it up when he came through the door.
"Looks like you weren't that bad at Andrew's!"
"Don't. I don't want it."
"Do you want me to buy you one?"
"I'll get it myself. I don't know what to do with his one though."
"Sell it?"
"I don't want to ruin someone with Andrew's gift."
"Return it then, did he give the receipt?"
"Obviously not."
"Well you aren't the one facing a loss, throw it against the wall or something. Hey, why are your eyes so puffy?"
"I don't know. Thanks for visiting though."
"No problem, stop isolating yourself."
"I'm not."
"You are. I know because I did the same thing once and you helped me out of it. Talk to me, it's driving me mad not knowing what happened."
"It's none of your business."
I snapped, and once I saw Lin's face I regretted it instantly.
"I'm just looking out for you Jon, that's all. If you don't want me to then I won't. I just thought you would need a friendly face and someone to talk to."
"I know, sorry."
"Since you don't want to tell me, you had breakfast yet?"
"No, I can make it if you want."
"Nah let's go out, it's been a while."
"I don't think we should I -"
"- Oh come on, you need to treat yourself to something."
"No that's not what I -"
"- Hang on let me look up somewhere to eat."
"Lin please can I just -"
"- What?"
He turned to me with an exasperated smile on his face, which faltered as he read my expression.
"I-I don't want to go out there. I just got away from him."
"He won't do anything."
"I know that."
"Then why do you -?"
"I just don't want to see him, ever again."
He nodded then moved towards me, ushering me to sit down he sat beside me and turned to face me.
"I'm beginning to get an idea of what he did to you Jon, and please, for the love of god, please don't say it's true."
"Lin don't -"
"Please, just say whether it's true or not."
"Don't ask me that."
I started to get emotional as I continued
"Please Lin, I can't face it myself don't make me, ask me something else, anything."
He remained silent and just looked at me prompting me to answer his initial question. After a long silence he moved to the table and leant on it, no longer facing me.
"I'm gonna kill him."
"I'm gonna FUCKING KILL HIM!"
I jumped as he banged his fist against the table and began to breathe quicker in fear, I know it's Lin, but I doubt my PTSD gives a shit.
"L-Lin -"
"And we cant even tell the fucking police because of the shitty deal you made with him, why the fuck did you -?"
He stopped pacing and looked at me, obviously my silence caught his attention since he was at my side in a few seconds.
"It's okay Jon, I'm not gonna hurt anyone. It's okay, I'm just angry, I said stupid stuff when I'm angry, I'm not gonna hurt anyone."
He had his hands on my shoulders as he looked me in the eyes and my breathing rate slowed down.
"You don't deserve this."
"I what?"
"You don't deserve it, you started off vulnerable and it's gotten so much worse thanks to him. I just feel like, I dunno, it's an awful thing to wish on someone else, but I feel like it happened to the wrong person."
"Lin don't -"
"- I know it sounds terrible, that's me done with that and never quote me on it. What do you want for breakfast?"
"What do you mean it happened to the wrong person?"
"Never mind, it was silly. Breakfast?"
"Lin."
He continued to avoid eye contact and waved it off, after a few seconds of silence I gave in and made breakfast for the two of us. He did insist on making it, but I felt like I should, can't really explain it, I just thought it would be weird not to.
"So what's the plan for today?"
"Looking after you."
"I'm fine."
"You're not."
He chuffed out then gave me an 'Are you serious?' look.
"I need to get you a counsellor, figure out how to help you and make sure your PTSD stuff isn't coming back. So all in all, I'm looking after you today."
"What about the kids?"
"I'll make a couple calls."
"They're your kids"
"And you're my best friend."
"Lin you need to look after your kids, you're the only parent."
"Fine I'll bring them here. Happy?"
He snapped and I fell silent, obviously I wasn't happy if he was angry now. I just was wary of the fact I'm taking him away from his kids.
"Sorry, I'll go make myself a coffee."
He returned with a steaming hot mug and set it aside. If he's not gonna drink it then why did he -?
"If there's one thing you can do for me Jon, do not make this seem smaller than it is. Okay? Don't make it out like you're fine and dandy when no one would be in this scenario."
"Lin really it's not a big -"
He gave me a pointed look
"- I'll try."
"Right let me make a couple calls for today."
He left the room and I was left looking at the steaming mug of coffee, I don't know why it bothered me so much but his many calls usually total twenty minutes or more so why leave it? It's just gonna get cold.
"Li -?"
I heard faint muttering and a slight chuckle from the other room, an obvious sign he's on the phone. I know I'm not supposed to have caffeine with the whole brain stuff but surely that was overkill when the nurses said it. What are the odds anyway? Needless to say I downed the mug of coffee.
"All done, mum and dad are dropping the kids off, you good?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Your eyes are all weird. You look hyper?"
He reached for his mug and then looked up at me with a registered look in his eyes, I cannot recall what the look was all I remember is thinking 'he knows'.
"Jon. Please tell me you remember caffeine is bad for you."
"I do."
"Then why is the coffee gone? Jon, if you're finding this funny or something it's not."
"I know it's not, the coffee was gonna get cold though. Didn't wanna waste it."
"I'd rather deal with cold coffee than your brain issues. But I guess it's no longer a debate. The second the kids get here we're going to a hospital."
"We don't need to I'm fine."
"You said you wouldn't lessen the fact it's a big deal."
"Lin, stop being so harsh."
"No, you deserve this. Why on earth did you drink that if you knew it was bad for you? If you didn't know I would've understood. But this is on purpose, what is wrong with you?"
The last question felt like a slap to the face, I know Andrew has always tried his hardest to single me out. But Lin has always tried to help me fit in, now the man I escaped is twisting into the man I thought was my escape route.
"Jon?"
"I'll be upstairs."
I walked out of the room not sparing Lin a glance, he tried to follow but I raised a hand to stop him. I mean, I can kick him out, but his kids are about to get here anytime soon so it wouldn't be wise. I could run? Not far though, and he'll know where to find me since there's not many places I can run to. All I could hear was his words in my head:
You deserve this
What is wrong with you?
You deserve this
What is wrong with you?
The side of my head began to slightly ache but I could barely feel it, I was starting to feel more energised, maybe I could run?
"Jon you okay?"
"Yeah I'm great!"
I heard footsteps walking upstairs, why is he so obsessed with knowing where I am all the time?
"Jon, come downstairs."
"No."
"Come downstairs."
"I said no. You deaf?"
"You know I'm not, downstairs now."
"I prefer it up here."
"Shame."
He grabbed my arm and tugged me downstairs against my obligation to do so, which is fun. Once I was sat on a dining chair he stood opposite me looking down at me, what's new.
"This chair is uncomfortable."
"I don't care."
"You should."
"You should care about your health right now, but no, it's all just chair."
"Since I'm dying I might as well get a comfy seat."
"You're not dying."
"Your personality is."
He laughed then sat on the couch and turned on the TV, I sat next to him and once again he grabbed my arm led me back to the chair.
"Why do I have to sit here?"
"Cause you don't like it and I can see where you are."
"Why because I don't like it?"
"You said my personality was dying"
"So?"
"It's not."
"Well I know your stubbornness isn't."
"Coming from you that does not mean a thing."
"I am not stubborn!"
He laughed as I realised, smartass. The doorbell rang and he got up to answer the door, giving me a stern look before he left the room. Guess I'm gonna have to get used to this chair then.
"¡Hola!"
I heard various words in Spanish and shortly after Lin walked in with his kids in hand.
"Jon is sicky today so he can't play with you two."
"Why is Jon always sicky?"
I laughed, Ariella had a point, judging from Lin's look he didn't appreciate my help too much.
"He's making bad choices all the time. He's a bit slow these days."
Yet another quoted insult from Lin, when Andrew said that in the hospital he jumped in to defend me, guess times change.
"Jon needs to go up to his room, sorry kids I'm sicky."
I got off the chair and went to walk past Lin but he stopped me.
"No Jon you're not allowed, back to the chair."
You deserve this
What is wrong with you?
He pushed me back down and I gave in, then stayed silent by myself, Lin usually knows when I'm upset so what's going on?
"Right kids we're going to the hospital, Jon made a mistake earlier so we need a quick check to see if it's all good."
"Why the hospital?"
"You two know about the naughty step?"
They both went silent and nodded in fear
"Jon goes to the hospital instead, come on shoes on."
They rushed out and Lin turned to me.
"Right, get ready."
I got ready once again in silence and didn't spare him a look as I walked past, I felt bad for not looking at the kids but I was mad. Lin led the way and we all got into his car, I wanted to sit in the back with the kids but he made me sit in the passenger seat.
"When we get to the hospital I'll do the talking Jon."
I looked out the window
"I said I'll do the talking Jon?"
I remained still and looked out the window, watching as he pulled over.
"Jon, grow up from your petty self and answer me, I will do the talking in the hospital correct?"
I looked at him with a tired look and said
"Yes Lin, whatever you say."
The kids giggled quietly to my amusement and Lin's mood worsened, he's the one causing all the fuss though.
"Right we're here."
He got out of the car and helped the kids out, stopping me from leaving the car myself while doing so, then walked towards my door with the kids in hand.
"Unless you want to go back to Andrew's I'd be quiet if I were you, but please be my guest."
"Wh-Wha -?"
I stuttered out as he lifted me out from the car seat so I was standing, he remained apathetic and walked towards the hospital with the kids. A new sense of confidence washed over me so I stopped and walked back to lean on the car watching them go. A couple minutes later I watched the Miranda family stop as he looked behind him, then his face soured when he saw me. Haha. He led the kids back to the car then sat them inside, him following suit. Confusedly I tapped on his window and he moved it down with the button thingy.
"Where are we going?"
"Back to Andrew's as you wished."
I shook my head backing away from the car so Lin got out and forced me into the seat.
"Lin you don't know what you're doing."
"You're not trying to get better though, that's my job down the drain, you made a deal, what happened happened, then you worsened your brain and now you won't treat it. What am I to do?"
"The opposite of taking me back? Before you would cry if I even thought you'd do this, what happened?"
"Fine, all I've tried to do is help you get better but you have not made my life any easier. First you refused to tell me what happened and wanted me to leave you alone, then you drank a fucking coffee and you know caffeine is bad in your case and now you're refusing to go to hospital. It's like you took every opportunity to be the epitome of useless."
"I'm going, let me out now."
"No. You're not."
He began to rev the engine as I tried to open the door, an obvious attempt to scare me out of it, he wouldn't drive though, old Lin wouldn't. I'll take my chance.
"Jon if you leave the car I'll leave you here and I'll call Andrew to pick you up and take you to his."
"But we're going to Andrew's?"
"Would you rather get picked up by Andrew or have me explain and help you out?"
My hand left the car door and he smiled to himself, he began to drive and, at the red light I got out and ran.
"JON"
He didn't try to chase me but I kept running, I knew he wouldn't be able to chase me with the kids in the back. I kind of knew where I was, driven past a couple times, not enough to walk here or run for that matter. I was just trying to run back the way Lin's car went, even though that will only lead me back to hospital. I began to enter the less busy territory of where I was, a good sight considering I didn't live in a busy area of town. However that could also mean that I am getting closer to Andrew's house, at least it's somewhere I guess. Slowing down to a walk, I tried to gather my surroundings and found absolutely nothing I recognised enough to figure out a route. And that's always lovely.
"Jon get in the car."
I jumped then turned to see Lin driving next to me, how I didn't realise that sooner I have no idea.
"You know I'm not going to."
"Jon get in the car."
I stayed silent and tried to find an alleyway or something to lose him.
"I dropped the kids off at my parents again, so I hope that made you less worried about my parenting."
"Pick up the kids and go home Lin, or drop the kids off at Andrews for all I care."
"Jon you don't want the kids at Andrew's, you did everything you could to rescue Ariella when he kidnapped her."
"Yeah and you did everything you could to stop me from going to Andrew's, I guess people change."
I moved to cross the road in front of me but Lin turned into it stopping me entirely.
"You could've run me over."
"But I didn't, get in the car."
"Are you stupid? I'm not getting a lift to Andrew's!"
"Jon you're in the middle of nowhere you took about 10 wrong turns, you won't find Andrew's where you're heading, or any of our houses for that matter."
"Where are you gonna take me then?"
He thought about it for a while then looked over at me.
"Back to yours. But I'm going to a hospital to explain your situation straight after, if they need you you're going."
"Do I really have to -?"
"Final offer."
I got into the car and he smiled to himself in achievement, I was still mad at him though.
"Why did you say you'd take me to Andrew's?"
"It was in the spur of the moment."
"Then why did you say you'd call Andrew and tell him where I was if I got out the car?"
"Spur of the moment."
"But you know how dangerous that is."
"Exactly."
"And you know how much it can affect me?"
"Yeah."
"Then why the fuck did you say it?"
He rolled his eyes and kept driving, I'm not letting it go that easy. I almost had a panic attack thanks to what he said so he needs to explain himself and quick.
"Jon you have to be the most uptight person I've met."
"Oh yeah cause it's not being cautious at all, not with the PTSD case or the flashbacks, no it's being uptight isn't it?"
"You take things too seriously as well."
"Lin I already hate you, if you want me to hate you anymore then please continue but it's not smart."
"You need a reality check though and everyone's too scared to give you it."
"Go on then, if you're so superior, what's wrong with me?"
"You're uptight, stubborn, and you believe it's everyone's job to look after you despite the fact they have a life too. You get angry if they don't check on you within the hour and you never do anything back cause you're the poor, defenceless, victim right?"
"Get out the car."
"It's my car."
"I can drive."
"No you fucking can't and it's my car."
"Right now I would slap you but I'm not the type to slap my friends."
I pointedly looked at him and he pulled out of the street and began to drive.
"You're taking me home, dropping me off and going home yourself. No hospital."
"I can do what I want Jon."
"I said no hospital"
"Cause you're scared?"
"Fuck off."
"Five minutes then I'm getting rid of you."
"So long as I don't jump out the car beforehand."
He kept looking behind the car in the mirror then concentrating back on driving, after a while I moved to check behind me but Lin piped up again.
"If you don't want me to crash stop moving it's distracting."
"I'd rather die in a car crash than deal with you right now."
"Shut it."
He pulled in to my driveway and turned child lock on, then faced me.
"Go directly into the house and lock the doors."
"To keep you out? Don't worry I will."
"Sure. Go."
He switched child lock off and I blazed out of that damn car, who knows what's wrong with him but at least I'm not with Andrew. As I almost shut the car door I could already hear Lin talking on the phone, because I'm a curious kid I only slightly closed the door and listened in.
"Andrew get out of this neighbourhood."
"You said you'd leave him alone."
"I did as you asked okay?"
"Fine. What else?"
"No."
"I won't do that to him."
"Please don't -"
"Fine I will, but get out of here."
I sensed the conversation ending and ran to the front door hearing the sound of a car driving off, when I got inside and locked the door I checked the driveway and Lin was still there.