All The Hurt Would Go Away

I don't think so...

My empty plate lay on the table beside me, it had taken me an hour to surge through lunch and I'd been alone since. Sitting upright on my hospital bed I felt like I was watching myself in a movie; such limiting information it was as if it would all unravel at the end of the film and land in the final climax. But this was no film. I was in A & E and I have just been told my horrid life story that led me here, lost memory, lost trust, the giant epic story of my unravelling. I sat there entirely numb, processing, no one disturbed me as I wanted. It was calm, quiet, the perfect sound for thought. Minutes clocked into hours as I sat in the hospital bed staring at the white wall processing. Doctors came to check my blood pressure and temperature each half hour but I barely noticed them there. As the afternoon reached to sunset I asked if Lin was still here.
"He's been in the cafe since your last visit. He's had about four coffees."
The doctor heartily chuckled as I requested that he'd be brought in.
"Jon? What's wrong?"
"I've stayed in this room thinking"
"Do you want to get out or something? You're leaving tomorrow."
"I want to call my Mum."
"What? I mean sure."
"No I want to tell her everything. I know she has no idea."
"Are you sure? I mean, her son was raped, all of that information at once might not be good at her age"
"I'm her son. She deserves to know. She was the only person who raised me."
"I know I know. If you really want. Do you want me to -?"
"Stay? Please."
He nodded handing me my phone and I put it on speaker.
"Hello? Jon?"
"Hey Ma, a lot has been going on and I haven't told you a thing. I feel terrible leaving you in the dark so, if you're free, can I talk with you now?"
"Of course! I'm always okay to talk, whatever it is I'm sure it'll all be okay."
"It is, now I mean. We haven't been talking much since I moved out so all the small talks we used to have are now memories but, that's why I didn't tell you the first main part of the story. I met a guy -"
"- that's lovely! How old? Can I meet him?"
"He was lovely. We aren't together now. Just for the timeline this was almost four years ago."
"Wow."
"So he was slightly controlling but I got the famous gene from you when I always see the best in people. I happily saw past it basically. We were together for a little less than a month when... -"
I paused looking up at Lin, he motioned for me to continue on the phone but I shook my head in fear - what was I thinking? Why would I do this to my own mother? Tears began to form in my eyes as Lin tried to get me to take deep breaths.
"When? What happened Jon? Are you okay? What's going on?"
Lin mouthed a sorry to me and took the phone.
"Hello Mrs Groff, this is Lin speaking. Jonathan can't exactly speak right now he's been affected a lot by what happened. What he means to say, and I'm sorry you found this out over phone, your son was raped by this man."
"... what?"
"Four years ago, we pressed charges and he had three years in prison."
"Can I -?"
"Before you speak with him there's more you need to know. Do you remember watching Falsettos with your son?"
"O-Of course."
"And he left early?"
"Yes?"
"Was there a specific character he couldn't stop watching?"
"Whizzer."
"Played by?"
"Andrew Rannells."
"Bingo."
"I'm sorry what do you mean?"
"Andrew raped Jon. At Falsettos that was the first time they'd seen each other since. It's not your fault you had no idea. As Jon said he sees the best in people so Andrew was forgiven and they went on a date. Andrew had, well, different intentions and Jon had a major flashback causing a trip to A and E. Shortly after he was diagnosed with PTSD."
"Oh my god."
"I really hate telling you this but now he can't remember a thing from when he got into Hamilton - all the doctors can do is what they've done. He can only remember what he's told happened, he won't remember how he experienced it."
"Is it the local hospital?"
"Yes."
"I'm coming there now, when will he be out?"
"Tomorrow. He can live with you for a bit. He can tell you the rest of what happened if he's able."
"Thank you."
"I'm just glad you know."
Lin gave me back my phone as he wiped a tear from my face, I had no idea how much my mum would care for me. I thought she would call me disgusting and vile for what happened to me.
"You'll probably want to be with her in private so I'll leave now."
I nodded to Lin smiling in thanks, he nodded back leaving the room. Lin told my mother I'll fill her in on what happened to me. I couldn't even tell her the main part let alone everything else, perhaps I should've stopped him from leaving, before I could call his contact my mother walked in.
"Jon..."
"I missed you."
Tears welled in her eyes as she gave me a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry, so so sorry you had to suffer through this and I didn't even know."
"I didn't tell you Ma, it's not your fault. I should've been more open and not kept it to myself. I'm the one who should be sorry, and I am."
"It's okay, no more keeping to yourself okay? You don't need to tell me what happened unless you want to, I know enough. I just want you to feel safe now, wherever you are. That's all I want my boy to feel."
I smiled moving over in the bed so she could climb in to hug properly. I was so consumed in myself I forgot there always were people ready to support me. A tiny voice called out that I was stupid to not think of anyone else besides me but, right now, I didn't care one bit. I was with my mother, all the pent up emotions and secrets had been released and, as my mother hoped, for the first time in ages I felt safe.