All The Hurt Would Go Away

Most days I don't recognise me...

"So, can you see a future with him?"
Of course, me and Lin were back to the topic of Andrew Rannells, seemingly uncomfortable but at least it wasn't silent.
"I guess, yeah, but we're happy together, not well... -"
"- abusive?"
"Yeah."
"Kids?"
"Jesus I don't know yet! I don't even know if we'll be a couple!"
"Well you called him earlier so..."
"What?"
"Oh please. He's been texting you on your old phone since, about your chat. I don't want to know what was said but just don't lie again."
"Ah my daily dose of patronisation."
Lin gave me a warning look and I laughed, to call him 'patronising' and he gives me the same look he gives the kids. Ha.
"Was he kind?"
"Yeah."
"Any form of controlling?"
"I mean he teased me a bit but that's all."
Ariella ran up to Lin and gave him a doll
"Oooooooo! She's very pretty! What's her name?"
"Elsa!"
I laughed and Lin nudged me in the side, hard.
"What was that for?"
"Don't ruin the kids imagination."
"Huh?"
"Oh come on. I could see the cogs turning in your head, you wanted to speak in your Kristoff and Sven voices."
I rolled my eyes.
"Well... yeah of course I did. Anyone would."
"Well don't."
I wasn't surprised Lin wanted his kids to have a big imagination. He's got one so it would only make sense if he passed it on.
"Does he talk about you two as long or short term?"
"Well he tells me he wants to take it slow. Not like your description of our first relationship."
"Makes sense."
"I mean, we both know that I'm the biggest patsy."
"You're not a patsy Jon, just because people take advantage of you doesn't mean you fall for it every time."
I looked at him as he realised
"oh."
"That's what I thought."
"Well, can we use another word?"
"What and sugar coat it all? Gullible? Oblivious? Dumb?"
"You know what I mean."
He snapped
"Do I? I mean you can go ahead and try to make me feel good about still being in love with my fucking rapist but I don't think I'll ever just forget it happened. He raped me Lin. So no, I don't think it'll ever feel that good to still be in love, I feel like I'm just a sick person. And to know this is his, what, third chance I've given him? No, doesn't feel good at all."
He held my hand ushering me to sit back down on the sofa and relax. I was tense and had to slow my breathing down first but eventually I sat back next to him.
"That was a dumb move to swear in front of my kids, I'll let it go though for another time. It wouldn't feel good, I know that. I'm trying to lessen it so if you'll please just work with me and not against me we might get somewhere."
"Jesus Christ you are so patronising sometimes. I swear that sounds like a babysitting quote."
He laughed nodding his head
"It does, doesn't it? That's not the point, the point is, even if you are a patsy there's no need to bring yourself down about it. You've already experienced both physical and emotional pain, you don't need any more. You know what? Go call him and say that you're being cruel to yourself and you think you're a patsy and all of that, I bet he'll say the same thing."
"Fine."
I took my old phone and called his number again now on speaker for Lin
"Hey babe."
"Hey."
I felt uncomfortable with Lin listening in on the conversation but continued nonetheless
"So, Lin told me to call you and say that I've been calling myself a patsy, a sick person and according to him, I'm being cruel to myself."
The line went silent for a bit as I got nervous then I just heard a raspy voice
"Jon you are not a patsy."
"What? I think we both know that -"
"No. Don't let yourself think you're a patsy."
Lin smiled to himself as I rolled my eyes.
"So, I'm dumb? Gullible? Stupid?"
"Strong. Forgiving. Brave."
I laughed into the phone
"Man I wish I was at least one of those!"
"Jon"
He chastised into the phone, it reminded me of Lin's warning voice.
"What now?"
"Don't be self critical, you're beautiful inside and out. And never ever call yourself a patsy or anything of the sort, just because bad things have happened doesn't mean you are falling for it each time it means you forgive each time."
I sighed
"Thanks Andrew."
"No problem babe. Damn I miss you already, even more now I know you're doing this to yourself."
"I'm fine. Really. Lin's looking after me, perhaps you can visit?"
"I don't know, you know how I feel about the chance of Lin forgiving me."
"I know I know. I'll persuade him or something, okay I've got to go now."
"Okay bye bye Jon."
I ended the call and looked up to see Lin smiling like the cat that got the cream.
"I told you."
"He has to support me, if he is tricking me into falling for this again he would tell me to stop calling myself a patsy."
"Stop overthinking it. You are not a patsy."
"Have this conversation another time I'm done with back and forth."
He sighed
"Alright then. I better start on dinner."
"Can I help make it?"
"You can make it yourself if you'd like."
"No I doubt I'll be able to."
"What did we say about self criticism?"
"Uggghhhhhhh."
"Oh I know what you can do!"
"What?"
"The washing up! You used to love washing up at mine, at the end of a meal you would practically skip to the kitchen sink with all our plates and that."
"Alright then, if I loved it that much."
Lin gave me the fairy liquid and I set to work scrubbing the plates, it was kinda satisfying I must say. My phone started ringing and Lin immediately said
"Boyfriend's calling."
I rolled my eyes and dried my hands to get my phone
"Hello?"