All The Hurt Would Go Away

Setting off alarms...

With Lin beside me I managed to calm down, I was having less and less flashbacks as time passed and he managed to get me to agree to a movie. I wasn't entirely paying attention since I was too busy contemplating if this was my life now and how I would live it. Unable to share any contact whatsoever without having a breakdown. Was it temporary or terminal? All I could do was wait for a diagnosis and medication. I drifted off to sleep hearing distinct mumbling between Lin and the nurses.
"Is it life long?"
"We are unsure. We recommend keeping him inside for a while to stabilise him and take small steps."
"Where do I go with this?"
"Reception and they'll give you the medication."
Lin called my name until I woke, I didn't miss the fact he couldn't shake or tap me on the shoulder, three nurses supported me as I stood while Lin walked towards me,
"I'm going to help you, I'm not going to hurt you okay?"
I nodded and Lin then put my arm over his shoulder walking me to reception. He picked up my meds to be taken three times a day then thanked the staff and we left for his car. I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding when I was inside and Lin was grinning broadly. We did it.
"Jon, I don't know where to take you. You could stay in my guest room but my kids will be exhausting or you could go to your house but I'll have to take care of the kids and come visit."
"Yours"
He nodded and turned left, no music was playing because it wasn't the time. It was a comfortable silence we shared though as we both restlessly thought about what would become of the future. I couldn't be babied by Lin for the rest of my life and I didn't want to tell my mum. And Andrew was out of the equation entirely by now. Will I remain alone for something that wasn't even my fault? I know life can be unfair but I had no idea it could be this unfair to me. A lone tear fell down my cheek as I looked out the window, Lin was unaware as he was driving. Have I always just been a bother? I'm a bother to my mum for leaving that show mid way through, I'm a bother to Andrew for leading him on then ending up in this situation and I'm a bother for Lin since he's got kids to look after. Maybe I was simply meant to be a bother. Maybe it would be easier if I just -
"What's wrong?"
I turned away from the window to face a very concerned looking Lin who had pulled over.
"I-Nothing I'm fine."
"Bull."
"I-I mean it, it's nothing. Leave it."
The car still wasn't moving.
"L-in."
"You can 'Lin' me all you want I'm not driving until you tell me."
"I-I'll drive."
"We both know how that will end."
Silence filled the car.
"Jon, I didn't mean it like -"
"Just d-drive."
He willingly continued to drive to my relief and didn't say a word till he got home. He got out the car and walked over to my side opening the door and lifting me out to support me as I walked. Knocking on the door, the babysitter opened it and immediately I could tell she was weirded out but she took the money and left without a word. The kids ran towards us but stopped as soon as they saw my state.
"Dad what's wrong?"
He waved them away and sat me down on the sofa making a quick cup of tea for us both then began to answer the kids questions.
"Jon here is a little bit injured so we need to be careful around him okay? No climbing apparatus."
The two kids giggled and nodded their heads before running off to grab their toys.
"C-Climbing what?"
"They view taller people as climbing apparatus. Apparently it's normal but I don't think so."
He laughed as I smiled, my throat hurt so much I tried to drink the tea but I gagged it back up again. Lin noticed the second time and sighed.
"Fool me once."
He reminded me of the classic phrase, I understood what he meant. Even though Andrew didn't do anything I was wrong to think I was ready to revamp our relationship. He took the tea away from me putting it in the microwave to keep it warm as I just sat there. My throat so dry but being unable to drink and quench it. Isaac ran in to the room while Lin was in the kitchen and jumped on my lap. I smiled at him and he asked me how I hurt myself pointing at the bandages. Unable to speak I was stuck.
"He made a big mistake. But he's learnt from that now. Everyone makes mistakes son."
Isaac nodded and ran off while Lin walked towards me apologising for his sons behaviour.
"Would you be okay with water? Through a straw perhaps?"
I nodded smiling weakly, it sounded like it might work. Lin quickly returned with a cup of water and a straw in the shape of the Hamilton logo. I rolled my eyes at it causing Lin to laugh before I attempted a sip. I swallowed it with ease but it felt like my throat was on fire afterwards I pulled a face at the pain causing Lin to remove the drink from my hand cautiously but I waved him away. With tears in my eyes I opened my mouth for him to see I had swallowed the drink. Lin smiled back nodding his head at me encouragingly. An hour later the cup was finished and, although my voice was croaky it was better. Lin then left to take the kids to his parents house so I could have a relaxing first night without early morning nightmare stories from them about zombies and whatnot.
Andy:
Are you okay?

Me:
What do you
think?

Andy:
You know how
sorry I am. I've
told you before.

Me:
Why did you
do that at
the
restaurant?

Andy:
What?

Me:
You put your
hand on my
leg don't
bullshit me.
You clearly
had an
intention to
do that.

He didn't reply, confirming exactly what I thought. I leant back on the sofa contemplating whether or not to pray to God if he exists. I'm already gay so it's off to a good start. I then heard my ringtone go off to see Andrew was calling.
"What?"
"Your voice sounds better."
"You know exactly what went on in that hospital. But you couldn't stay could you? Let me guess, something came up?"
"You didn't want me there and I could tell. The way you looked at me, that was pure hatred."
"Do you know what I've got thanks to you?"
He didn't respond.
"PTSD. I've got fucking PTSD from what you did to me. I had another flashback after you left and all that triggered it was Lin patting me on the shoulder."
"Jon"
"D-Don't you dare call me that."
"What was the flashback of?"
"I-I can't"
My body began to shake.
"In the restaurant who called an ambulance to rescue you? Who drove behind it to make sure you got treated?"
"N-No."
"What was the flashback of Jon?"
My breathing started to quicken and he could hear it.
"Who was by your side when you woke up? Who watched you as you thrashed in your hospital bed but was unable to help because that would of made it worse?"
I collapsed off the sofa and crunched up into a ball rocking backwards and forwards listening to his voice.
"You see Jon, I was there first and I always have been. You love me. You cannot escape that. You love me and you are trapped because you don't want to be alone. What was the flashback of Jon?"
I hastily undid my bandages beginning to scratch on the sealed wounds. It was too real, I felt him all around me. I couldn't breathe. Wheezing on the floor I watched the blood seep from my wrists. I couldn't lift myself back up, as I was having paroxysms I heard his voice.
"Look at yourself right now, just from hearing my voice you are weak. I broke you, I will fix you."
The call ended and I was left alone on the floor because of Andrew. He knew exactly what the flashback was and he forced me to relive it to prove his point. Left alone, wrists bleeding, shaking, unable to stand. I lay there scrunched up in a ball, my chest heaving with sobs wishing for it all to be over.