All The Hurt Would Go Away

There's nothing in their hearts...

I lay awake in bed. Planning. I had a week until I see him again but even with our first meeting he broke down my defences. I've made a deal with a criminal. It sounds foreign especially about me, today was the first time I visited a prison and now I could be doing god knows what in return. He refused to tell me the scale of what he'll make me do. Does he want to escape? That would probably be the worst to do, how would I know of all people? He told me it was someone I knew, not Lin. That means it isn't an actor, it can't be a fan, Andrew wouldn't give me such a range if so. He was right though, there were very few people. Perhaps if I make a list and show it to him? No. That would just make me feel like some student doing home learning for him. He knows who it is, he just won't tell me, so there would be no point. I just need more hints. Maybe if I get him to slip up. What's the one thing that would make him forget about the secrecy? Maybe Stephanie, his niece? No, she would probably have to come with parents and has probably already visited him. Come on, think. My head then felt another achy pang as I remembered I hadn't taken my medicine with me. I just up and left. Fuck... Ah well. I'll just take one extra tomorrow or something. So far it only hurt when I tried to remember, so what happened when I talked to Andrew? Was he triggering a memory that wasn't unearthed yet? There were too many questions and not enough answers, it was horrid to think before falling asleep. I don't know why I even tried. The hours went on and on as I watched the clock thinking of endless possible answers but none of them being certain. Daylight began to shine through the window and I still didn't feel tired, I had to go back to Lin though, I knew that for certain. Picking myself up I found a change of clothes, brushed my teeth, and left. I didn't have the appetite for breakfast anyway.
"Jon! You okay? You left quite suddenly last night..."
"Yeah I'm fine, just a spur of the moment thing. You are relieved of your duties."
I said in my best King George impression and she laughed.
"Why thank you your majesty."
I gestured for her to come out the door then I walked inside, waving at her as she left.
"Where were you?"
"At my house."
"Before that"
"On a walk"
"Then why did you go to yours after?"
"I felt like it. Nothing more."
I turned to look at Lin, he was visibly tense and it was unnerving.
"You felt like it?"
"Yes, did anything bad happen?"
"Isaac had no one to play with. He cried a lot."
My smile faltered.
"Sorry to hear it. Where is he now?"
"Asleep"
"Have you eaten?"
"No. I'm not hungry."
"That makes two of us."
My attempts at being light hearted were falling flat and Lin could probably tell I was lying to him. That might be why he's so tense, is he mad at me? Before I could ask he made his way back to the study and I heard the lock click behind him. I'm fighting for Ariella, but why do I feel like I've missed something vital? Did I do something wrong with that deal? Well, it's fairly obvious but still...
"SHIT!"
I ran towards the study banging on the door till an exasperated Lin opened it.
"Your kid is upstairs! What is it?"
He looked down refusing to tell me so I walked in. His ink pot had exploded all over what seemed like pages and pages of work.
"Can't you just rewrite it?"
"That was my last canvas page, I don't have anything now."
I rolled my eyes
"So instead of telling me earlier so this situation wouldn't be all bad, you decide to tell me now when you have nothing to write on?"
He didn't answer
"Well I'm not buying anything till next week so you either go ask Luz or you suffer through it"
He nodded and I left to wake Isaac up, the relief I saw in his eyes broke my heart. So he did miss me last night, well that confirms what Lin said about him having no one to play with. I followed the kid downstairs to make his breakfast and was probably the most uncoordinated I've been in a while. Cereal in the fridge, Milk in the cupboard, and at one point I poured his juice into the cereal so I had to start over. What is happening to me? Should I drop out of the deal? Maybe I should, it's not too late is it?
"If you agree now there's no turning back..."
My head pounded with Andrew's cryptic words, he's playing the game alright. As I put the cereal on the table Isaac immediately started to feed himself. I left, numb. What if I am just a toy to entertain other people? Have I ever been anything more?
"Jonnnnnnn"
"Yes"
Lin turned around in shock from my monotone reply
"You good?"
"Fine"
He proceeded on but still looked at me strangely, cautiously.
"What should I do if I can't write anything?"
"Phone. Kid. Walk."
"Jon, seriously what's going on?"
"Nothing"
I walked out and he followed soon after to go play with Isaac. I need to fix this, I need to know more about what I'm doing. I made a deal with a criminal about stuff I don't even know fully. What the hell is wrong with me? I picked up the phone and, with a shaking hand, I called up the prison once again and arranged tomorrow's meeting, simply praying for Andrew not to be mad that I arranged within the week. The sole difference though was my determination, unlike yesterday this meeting would be 2 hours, I am not going to leave without knowing exactly what I'm doing.