All The Hurt Would Go Away

How would I know what love is...

Andrew:
Where are you?
Xxx

Me:
At Lin's. Why?

Andrew:
We need to talk
about earlier

Me:
Now?

Andrew:
Please.

And he thought I was crazy for going back to his this morning. Hmm. I swear I've spent more time at his today than at Lin's.
"Lin?"
"Yeah?"
"Andrew wants to talk."
"Is he picking you up?"
"I'll get an Uber."
"Oh don't toss around money when my car is outside come on then."
He laughed and led me to his car.
"Address?"
I recited the address and he typed it in to the sat nav. I've never liked them, the voice is so monotonous and always interrupts conversations for the most useless directions. Especially when it counts down how many yards until you turn right.
"Do you think you and Andrew could become a thing now?"
"Hmm?"
"Well, you seem to be getting along better than you used to. He seems nicer however weeks ago he almost caused your death."
"What, where is this leading?"
He parked the car and sighed
"I don't know Jon, I'm concerned, weirded out, he's being too nice! It doesn't make sense and if he really has changed, the fact he changed so quickly well, what if he changes back again? You would be the victim again. I don't want you to get stuck in this loop Jon, there are times when you have to let go and find someone new."
He looked up at me and I looked back at him in confusion, haven't I told him that I cannot dodge the fact I love the guy?
"It's just, in most cases, victims loathe their attacker for what they did to them. And I mean most cases. Sure there's the victims who forgive but, usually those who fall in love have been brainwashed. And the scary part is you were, then you had a clear out, and you still do. I don't know what's going on anymore."
He said desperately
"So, what do you want to happen?"
"I want Andrew out of our lives, forever. But I know it will never happen. I want you to know exactly where you two are in your relationship and I want you to be in control, not literally but I want you to choose whether to move forward or end it. Not him. Never him."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes, I'll text you when to pick me up?"
He grinned immediately, reading between the lines I guessed that'd be a good start if Andrew didn't drop me off tonight.
"Sure."
I left the car and Andrew shortly after let me into the house and sat me down on the couch, he left and returned with two mugs of tea.
"I-I don't know how long this will take but I had to tell you before I freaked out."
"What?"
"Once you told me your guess of why it all happened, it, it triggered my memory of what I did to you. And how I treat you now. So I spent time reflecting on how to fix things, make it right."
A brief recall of my conversation with Lin earlier passed through my mind. Did he contact Andrew before he told me? I scanned the room, a box of tissues was next to Andrew signifying this wasn't good news and the curtains and windows were shut, perhaps for lighting but perhaps for something different. Aware of the silence I looked back at Andrew.
"So I went online, just looking out of interest, to see if there was a name for it or anything. There was a website, well, a company website, and it had stories of people just like me. So I signed up."
"A support group?"
That wasn't bad news at all! Maybe the tissues were happy tears earlier?
"No Jonathan, it wasn't a support group. When I say signed up, it's more like, enrolled in, registered."
"So, it's a place?"
He took a deep breath breaking eye contact
"Yes."
"Like, meet ups every fortnight or something?"
He straightened up but continued to face forward, and not towards me.
"The only way to make things right is to leave, think about it. The time you were last happiest were the three years I was in prison. You bettered yourself and got past it, that's what I should've been doing. And that's what I'm going to do now."
"A-Andrew? You're scaring me, what's going on?"
"I'm going to a psychiatric hospital Jon."
I fell silent and he faced me, his eyes begging for any answer but I was speechless.
"Please, say something Jonathan, anything."
"H-how long?"
"I don't know. It depends on how bad my case is."
"Will you have -?"
"I won't be able to contact anyone from the outside world, no family, nothing."
It felt like the breath had been knocked out of my chest.
"And Lin never spurred me to do this, he never even recommended it. He hated me but I think even he'll be surprised. I've been thinking about it for a while but your analysis earlier today topped it all off for me."
Me and my big mouth, if I shut up this could've never happened.
"The only reason I am going is because I love you but, you deserve a proper relationship. Go find a guy who'd never hurt you, he compliments you and he'd never dream of causing you pain in any way shape or form. I'm not that guy, I won't blindfold myself saying I could be that guy. But I will try to be I just, I don't want you to wait for me. If you're even married when I get back I'll be happy for you, all I want is for you to be happy. I no longer care who you're happy with, just so long as you are happy."
"I-I need to go, is that alright? I just need t-to think."
He nodded silently and I put my phone back in my pocket having texted Lin, after a few minutes his car parked in the driveway. I left without a word of goodbye and neither did Andrew.
"You alright?"
"Drive."
Lin speedily drove away then when we were closer to home he asked
"Please don't tell me -"
"No, he didn't."
Lin visibly exhaled in relief next to me.
"Because if he did, that would've ended me."
"He's - I won't tell you when you're driving."
Lin nodded and quickly pulled into his driveway, I misjudged our location by quite a bit.
"What has he done?"
"He's about to leave to go to a hospital."
"What? Is he hurt?!"
"A psychiatric one, he wants to end it for good. My guess earlier today finished off this thought according to him. It's too late, he's already enrolled."
"So that's it?"
A tear fell from my cheek as I shakily replied
"That's it."