POSPHENOUS

Phospenous - you terrify me

I am writing this to stars know who
despite the pain it gives. Despite
how back-breaking it is to admit
what I need to admit
to set myself free or, at the very least,
try and make you understand.

I am sorry. I am sorry for
the way that I am-my restless feet that
won't stay still, can't stay still
in one place, one heart. I'm sorry my heart
is all on tenterhooks. That it can't stop
worrying and fearing what is to come
no matter good or bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Because what I mean to say is, I have
secrets; muddy secrets, tinted secrets,
barbed-wire-and-fangs secrets,
but I'll tell you the one
they all boil down to;
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid.
I'm so
fucking
terrified.

Sweetheart, you terrify me.
When you stripped your heart skin-naked
in front of me, you paralyzed me with fear.
When you saw me in the streets alone
and you called me so happily,
so excitedly-
that joy in your eyes?
It cripples me.
You terrify me. Because what if
I break you. What if I ruin you.
Because that's what I do.
That's what I do. I ruin things
I'm not supposed to.

I cannot love
without needing to leave.
I cannot say it
without meaning sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.