Winter's Love

73

Arriving at my house was a curse rather than a blessing. Ale and all my other friends were calling me throughout the day and I didn't want to talk to anyone. What was I going to say? That he was my boyfriend and now he is not? Everything they know doesn't come close to the reality of the situation. Even, I would like to think the same as them, that only my fan love was hurt. If only they knew. I closed the door of the apartment, laying my back on it, until I slid little by little to the ground and I exploded in tears. I endured a lot because I was in the company, here I didn't have to do it. Now that I was at home, I didn't dare take a step inside it. I had many memories with him here, being happy. I couldn't face them if I wanted to reassure me. I was full of doubts... a part of me still wanted to believe in him and thought there was a logical reason for all this... He would have prepared me for this to be the case, right?

My eyes dried from so much crying. Being in the lapse that you don't feel and nothing matters, I stood up. You know it hurts a lot when there's a point where you can't feel, but that's only at intervals. I will no longer hear the code on the door and then see Ravi enter with a smile. Nor will I see him sitting on the sofa with his notebook, waiting for dinner to be ready. We will not watch TV together again, or he will not accompany me at night while I finish writing the articles for the page. I will not listen to his sensual insinuations at bath time, nor will I sleep deeply in his arms to get up close to his body the next morning. How can I forget all the things that happened here? Because if there was one thing I was sure of, it was that his relationship with Hana was serious and that I went to another existential side.

Again, my eyes filled with tears. Every corner of the apartment reminded me of him. I looked in the kitchen cabinets for soju, but when I was going to take the first shot I remembered that I need more than this to get drunk and that even if I did, the pain knows how to swim in alcohol. The only way out of this nightmare is being unconscious. So instead of alcohol, I preferred to take my insomnia pills and sleep.

Unfortunately, the pills didn't make the immediate effect I wanted. What left me time to wander around the house, keep crying and ask me questions. My phone was still ringing this time with Sun Hee and Shin Hwa who were constantly calling me. Even the boys had given themselves the task of calling from time to time and sending messages. I didn't want to talk, I didn't answer. The roads led to my room. I observed nothing specific from the door... the emptiness I felt there was as great as the one I had inside.

I sat on the bed and dedicated myself to writing in the notebook that he gave me as a birthday present. The dedication and the gifts were just the memory that everything wasn't a dream. That he has not finished with our relationship to start with another later doesn't mean that we didn't exist. But he does not care. All the things he said he felt... maybe they were not true.

I wrote to relieve myself but instead of writing to him, I wrote to her... to that one that never will be me. I wrote to Hana. The most painful words I have ever written were those. I guess it was the first time I resigned myself and I expected him to be happy even if it were without me. If Hana was with him now it was because she had something that I couldn't give him, so I hoped that she would do him more than anything, happy. Although I still didn't leave my astonishment and confusion... it was the feeling that overwhelmed me. Surely tomorrow I'll be upset, wanting to cross their faces with blows for this, but today I wanted to cry. Crying as if there were no tomorrow, crying as if at the end of doing it, my memories and my feelings stopped hurting.