Winter's Love

76

I opened my eyes heavily, the dim light of the lamps in my room let me know that it was night. How had I got here? I stood up with difficulty, I was a little out of the way. It was like a trance that prevented me from seeing what I had done exactly that day. My bare feet slid down the cold floor until I reached the living room where I found Sun Hee sleeping on the sofa and my five boys sleeping on the floor. Why there is a sleepover in my house and I'm not invited?

As if I had opened the floodgates of my mind, I remembered what my mind insisted on hiding. Ravi's words repeated themselves in my head mercilessly driving me crazy. And no matter what part I looked at, I remembered the perfect moments that these walls harbor as an incongruity to those terrible words. It was too late to go back. He did a sure job so that I would end up surrendered to him, forgetting all the things for which we should not be together. Now that I look inside myself, I hear the echo of his words like bursts, the sadness climbing the walls of my fragile tranquility. Because his strong words left me more dying than I ever was in my whole life. How could I breathe without being hurt...? Without feeling that everything around me was falling apart.

I needed to get out of there, I couldn't stand this situation. If I could take out my heart and throw it away to replace it with another one, I would. Don't be silly Lore, love isn't in the heart. That is just the popular fallacy. It's in your head, your head is wrong. That wasn't exactly a consolation. Everything was resolved with a different way of thinking, but it hurt in these moments and it would take time to change my thoughts in another direction. I left my apartment, not knowing very well what I was doing. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, in silence. Like a thick cloud that surrounded me without any respite. Did I go down the stairs or down the elevator? Who knows... I don't remember how I got outside. I only remember that it was raining because the drops on my skin were like a well-received comfort. My tears began to emerge with heartbreaking force. I ran, hoping to leave behind everything, but I knew it was impossible I couldn't stay behind. The problem was with me because the problem was me.

It was very late when I realized I was in front of the agency. The guard in charge, who always covered my practices at night, greeted me willingly... as I would like to share such contentment. I was all soaked, but he didn't seem to notice. My feet ended up taking me to the studio. Ravi's voice was heard as an echo and then his beloved laugh followed it. I turned to see that I was alone. Have I gone crazy?

I needed to take out what I felt in some way... the words didn't come out; the tears were not enough. I couldn't sing without my voice breaking, so all I had to do was dance. I danced the music that created my wounded heart, together with the memories that tortured it, because there is so much love that I have to let it go like this... when it wasn't even born correctly. Just when I was beginning to adore the idea of being with him and defending ourselves. Oh, but the only one who lived the lie was me.

I don't know how long I was dancing, it had to be too long because my feet simply lost their strength making me collapse. I cringed on the floor, laying my head on my knees. Was I crying? I didn't even know. By now, this long-awaited numbness was taking hold of me, finally giving me a respite from the whole storm. Suddenly a blanket covered my shoulders, making me look up. Leo was sitting next to me, with a sigh.

-You're going to get sick -The clothes were wet and the air conditioning was at its peak. I didn't feel cold until he made the observation.

-How did you know I was here? -He grimaced before answering.

-I guess it -I drew tears-. We must go back, the doctor recommended rest after you fainted - So that's why I didn't remember... Did I really faint?

-I can only rest if I take my memories out of my head... Do you know how to do it? -He laughed sadly.

-I don't know -I wanted to talk to him and vent, but I couldn't. In the end, Ravi was his brother and I didn't want to put them against him. Yes, still at this point I was still watching over him. Some things don't change overnight, even if I wanted to. Leo seemed to notice-. You can curse him all you want. He will be my brother, but the truth is that he deserves it. Do you want us to hit him together to make you feel better? -I released a weak smile.

-That sounds tempting, but it doesn't change what happened.

-You're right, but it will make you feel better and that would be a breakthrough -I laughed at his face. He seemed to enjoy the idea of hitting Ravi a lot more than I did.

-I don't know how to survive this... -I finally said and that was the beginning to start talking. Leo listened patiently to everything I had to say, even those times I ended up repeating the same thing just because it hurt. When I kept silent, he put a hand on my shoulder.

-It is you, and we all know that no matter what happens you will get ahead and find something good in all the ruins. Ha Neul, you abandoned everything to come here to a place where people mostly put you aside and you have endured it as if nothing were happening. We are all worried, but sure that you will be fine. We are only here for you when you need comfort... -What he was saying was interrupted by his cell phone-. Hello? Yes, Jaehwan, I'm with Hannie. She's fine... We're on our way -He hung his cell phone rolling his eyes-. The boys are dying of worry. We must go so that they can prove with their own eyes that you are well. Ken didn't believe what I said at all -That sounded a lot like him.

-Let's go then, I don't want them to worry more about me.

-You should warn that you're going out. Do you know the death scare that I took when I realized that you were not in your room?

-I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking about that -I said feeling guilty. My only thought was to get out of there, I didn't consider that they would wake up and that they would worry about not finding me. Leo took off his coat and put it on my shoulders.

-It's time to go to rest. Things will not be fine tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow... but they will be fine at some point in your life.

-And while that happens, what?

-You have to resist -I don't know why I asked the question when I knew he would answer that. I think I just needed the confirmation. While everything was happening, I had no choice but to suffer what was happening until the moment came when I would not suffer it anymore. As Leo said, I had no choice but to resist.