I Don't Deserve Love: Alternate Ending

Chapter 33: Not Good Enough

"What are you doing?" a rough, terrifying voice barked.

I looked around, wondering where I was. Slowly I began to recognize the hardwood floors, white karate gi's, and the sounds of blows being exchanged. I was in my father's karate school. Looking down at myself I saw I was also wearing a karate gi with a purple belt holding it closed which meant I was 15 years old. Dreading what I was going to have to see, I glanced up to see my father glaring down at me. Gulping loudly I bowed in my chair.

"I am sitting, Sensei."

"And why aren't you practicing your Yoko Geri?"

I could feel the blood drain from my face as I looked down at my right leg. It was encased in a thick cast.

"S-sensei, I didn't think it would be possible in my condition," I said quietly and Father cursed.

"Karate doesn't end if you're injured! You practice through it! Now stand up!" he barked angrily.

Immediately I picked up my crutches and propelled myself onto my good leg. Father moved like lightning, kicking away my crutches and I wobbled, barely managing to remain standing.

"Come!" he commanded before walking to the edge of the room, away from his students practicing.

I hopped carefully after him, wincing when my cast banged against the floor. Father glared down at me with fire in his eyes and I tried to speed up until I finally reached him.

"Are you my student?" Father growled and I nodded.

"Hai, Sensei," I said quietly.

"Louder!" he yelled and I straightened my shoulders.

"Hai, Sensei!" I yelled firmly, then closed my mouth and swallowed past a lump of fear in my throat.

"Then show me your Yoko Geri."

I pursed my lips, trying not to show my fear. A Yoko Geri was a powerful sidekick used to knock the wind out of your opponent. Father picked up a hand pad and held it at his chest level. He stared at me with disdain and I looked away. It was going to hurt, but the consequences of disobedience terrified me even more.

Slowly I set myself into position and then lifted my heavy cast up into the striking position. With a yell, I struck my foot into the pad and pain exploded, racing from my ankle up through my entire leg. I fell over, gasping from the pain and doing my best to not cry.

"That was pathetic! Do it with your other leg," Father growled.

I whimpered but pushed myself slowly into a standing position. My breath came out in heavy spurts as I looked up at Father's angry face. I glanced over at the other students but everyone was concentrating on their own exercises, not paying attention to us in our corner.

"I'm getting impatient, girl," Father said with a dangerous edge to his voice.

"I'm sorry, Sensei," I managed to gasp out.

He brought the pad back into position and I bit my lip as I put weight onto my broken leg. Stabbing pain ripped through my leg but I gritted my teeth and set myself into position. Grimacing, I rested all of my weight on the broken leg and tried to pull my left leg up... but I couldn't do it. My knee buckled before I could strike and I crumpled to the ground.

I bit my cheeks to keep from moaning as I lay on my face. A rough hand pushed me onto my back and I blinked up into the reproachful eyes of my father. He spit into my face but I knew better than to wipe it away.

"You are a disgrace. I can hardly look at you. You will walk home tonight and if you even think of speaking to anyone I will make you regret it; do you understand me?" I nodded jerkily and he sneered with disgust. "You are such an embarrassment."

He walked away to his other students and I lay on the ground. The pain was so intense I couldn't even move so I just lay there repeating over and over, "I'm sorry, Sensei. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry, Sensei!" I gasped, my voice wrenching me unceremoniously out of the memory dream.

Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks and my ankle seemed to be on fire. I leaned back against the tree trunk, closing my eyes and letting my tears flow. It felt like my brain was being overtaken by the pain flooding from the entire left side of my body and memories of my father's disdain filled me with indescribable anguish.

The knowledge that I was weak and worthless washed through me and I found myself wondering why everyone had been so nice today. I didn't deserve to be looked after or coddled. Father had demanded perfection at all times. I knew that if I had just been able to do everything the way he wanted it then I wouldn't have ruined his life... But I couldn't do it. I was a mistake and that was all I would ever be. My mind slowly sank into a world of shadows and sadness.

No! Something inside of me seemed to shout. I don't want to be a mistake anymore!

Desperately I picked up my crutches. I wanted to get away. I wanted to forget. I didn't want to be useless. I didn't want to be a mistake anymore. Auntie's loving face came into my mind and I pushed off the ground.

I want to be with Auntie. I want to pretend I am a normal girl again. I don't want to be sad anymore, I thought to myself repeatedly, almost like a mantra.

Without realizing it, I placed the end of one of my crutches directly on a large rock, causing it to jerk from my hand. Stumbling, I lost my grip on my other crutch and pitched forward, landing painfully on my bad ankle. My energy drained from me as I lay on the ground and continued to cry.

You shouldn't have been born. You're nothing but an embarrassment. You are worthless. Why were you born? You ruined my life!

"I'm sorry!" I cried out in response to the overwhelming voices in my head. "I'm sorry for being born. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm so sorry."

Pressing my eyes into the grass I stayed on the ground. As I cried I wished that there was some way, any way, for me to live this life surrounded by friends and my aunt who loved me without feeling like I was lying to everyone. I felt like a ticking bomb and someday when my secret was found out I would once again find myself alone, unloved, and afraid.