two doors down (e.d.)

chapter twenty-seven

riley~

i've been laying in bed all day, missing my friday classes.

i told elanor i didn't feel good and she brought me a cup of tea, but it didn't help.

it's not that i don't feel good physically, but i don't feel good emotionally.

am i being dramatic?

i saw him kiss another girl when i've invested so much time into our "relationship."

dramatic or not, aren't i allowed to be sad?

yes.

he texted me so many times i ended up just turning off my phone, because as sad as i am, i can't bring myself to block his number.

i reach over to my hanging nightstand that i clip on the side of my bed and grab my phone.

as soon as it turns on, the texts start to come in again.

ethan: it's not what you think

ethan: i know you're mad but please let me explain

ethan: dont you think you deserve an explanation?

ethan: i know you're home

ethan: please

ethan: riley i didn't mean to hurt you

ethan: i talked to your brother about us

a feeling of shock washes over me and i bolt upright.

me: you did WHAT?

ethan: i talked to him

ethan: but now that you're answering can i please explain

me: i told you to leave me alone

ethan: her name is lily

me: stop

ethan: she was my dorm "mom" last year

me: i'll block you if you keep texting me

ethan: riley kate

i stop typing and stare at his message. he knows that's my weakness.

but i can't let my guard down again.

me: only the people i love can call me riley kate

i've never really thought of myself as "in love" with ethan. not just yet. i figured i'd worry about the details later and just focus on us.

but then again, i don't really know what love feels like.

ethan: riley
ethan: kate

my heart hammers and i don't respond.

then, a knock comes from my door.

"hello?" i croak out

"it's me."

"go away." i respond softly

"you don't mean that."

i'm silent because i realize i don't mean it. it's as if he reads my mind again and again, surprising me every time.

"i'm not leaving." he says and i hear a light thud on the door, which i presume is his back. i hear him slide down the door and lean his head back on it.

"i can probably call the police." i warn lamely

"nice," ethan laughs lightly, the sound a little muffled.

he starts to ramble about things and i stand up from my bed and walk slowly over to the door.

i'm not ready to see him yet, so i slide my back down and crumple to the floor, leaning my head on the door just like him.

"you know," he starts, and it's a bit clearer, "i've made so many mistakes in my life, but this is the one i've felt the most awful about."

"so you admit you kind of cheated?" i say, annoyed.

"had no intentions of it, but i guess we all see things differently."

"you kissed her. i thought i was the only one you were doing that to."

"you're always the only one, riley kate."

a lump in my throat forms and i tell myself he's only saying it for me to open the door.

i'm not going to let myself.

"stop saying all this stupid bullshit just for me to go back to being used by you." i spit out angrily

"i could never even dream of using you." he says quietly and lazily, almost, "and what would i even use you for?"

i'm quiet for a bit and he says, "i never pushed you into sex, correct?"

"but you could've used me just to get me to finally fall for you, to boost your ego and then shut me down completely." i argue, tears stinging my eyes and threatening to make an unwanted appearance.

"you're kind of funny, you know." he says, his voice dreamy, like i'm floating on a cloud of silk, hoping it would take me far away from here.

"this isn't funny."

"i'm not going to play the victim, because you're obviously the victim in this. you're hurt, you feel used, you're sad and a little angry. i get it. i would be too. but all i need from you is to listen, okay?"

he wasn't asking much.

"okay."

"her name is lily. she was kind of all the sophomore boys caretaker last year. she'd help us with homework, make sure we stay in line, keep us from trouble, and sometimes even cook for a few who didn't have money to buy food."

she seems nice.

it's hard not to like her right now.

"so i went to the party last night like an idiot. she was drunk, which never happens, and she didn't know what she was doing so she came over leaned on me. i had my hand on her back to steady her, and i kissed her cheek because even though all my attention is on you now, there was a time when she would be there for me when no one was. it's like kissing your mom on the cheek in appreciation."

oh.

that's not what i was expecting.

"but it still hurt, ethan." i whisper, hoping he'd hear it through the door.

"i know, baby."

don't call me baby.

i'm not done yet.

"why'd you go to the party? i mean, i'm sorry i pissed you off and was being dramatic, but it's common sense."

"i don't know," he sighs, "but i do know that i messed up and i'm sorry."

i quietly stand up and turn the knob of my door.

ethan falls backwards a little, but catches himself.

i hold out my hand to help him up and he takes it.

it feels good to have his touch again.

"so please," he says quietly, gazing into my eyes, "reconsider."

"i hate being nice."

"why?" he laughs

"because i let people back in wayyyy too fast," i whisper

he swoops down to kiss me, but i stop him by putting my hand to his lips.

"let me breathe for a second."

"understandable," he admits and stands up straight again.

"i just need some time to myself right now," i say and step away, "but i'll call you later? i need go get my thoughts."

"i'm only two doors down."