Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Middle school part 2

Ok sooo this was 8th grade and I was in "collaborative mentoring" and it's a class where you help special needs students.
We had to write a paper on "overcoming a disability" and long story short I had to read this in front of 40 classmates. I also always hated the way my name was spelt because it's "basic" so I changed it for a year??? What a num nuts

March 16, 2016
Overcoming a Disability
Laurynn Lambourne

-I do not care if you share this in class. I hope others hear this and to be honest, to know how everything you say can truly affect someone's life.-
I had a good life, what am I saying, I do have a good life. I had very few close friends in elementary school. We were a close knit.. At least I would say. Until unfortunately, I came to middle school and all of us were separated. I never really thought much of it, all the elementary schools coming together, all the cliques that would be forming. This sounds like a story in a movie, but it's not. It was my life filled with a disability I call depression.
I was a pretty average teenager, good grades, healthy... I had never cared too much about popularity, looks to much, all the hair, make-up, trying to impress other people. I really didn't even know how all this began, or even why it did.
Middle school is a big competition of who can dress the best and who knows more people, I on the other hand... had none of that. I started meeting a bunch of new people, from sports teams to even classes, we did the usual thing and exchanged numbers and scheduled occasionally when to hangout. But that twisted, totally twisted.
Social media is a great place to create friends, or even a great way to get to thunder cluster. The two I've ended up in there for is Instagram and Ask.fm. If you aren't fully aware of that site, it is where anybody can ask you simple questions, to personal questions anonymously. Now keep this in mind, I am a taller more broad shoulders type of gal, I get dress coded more, can't level it with girls, so I barely have any confidence. The first amazing experience I had was not awfully life changing, it's about adding it all up. I got in a fight with a friend about who knows what, so later that day online I had seen she posted rates (a beauty scale) for most girls in the school, all of them were bms' and I was simply a 7.9.
A little after that I went to look my name up on Instagram, when I came across impersonation accounts of me. Embarrassing photos of me as the profile pictures, clowns posted as selfies, and all my hobbies and interests having a mockery of.
Keep in thought, I rarely get invited to anything. It is like 1 in 10 times I get asked, without inviting myself. Towards a week before New Year's eve I went to Starbucks with my dad. I had ran into one of the more so called "popular" girls in school. She invited me to her New Year's party and gave me the day and everything. The day of i texted her saying I was ready, soon to find out on Snapchat she was at a different one. They sent me pictures of how much fun they were having together. Now, these stories may not make sense because I don't remember every detail by heart, but one I do know by heart is this one.
After being mixed up and dying so badly to be apart of the popular group, my low 2% of confidence was soonly replaced with depression. Seeing this group and not understanding why I could not fit in, I decided to end it by committing suicide. Not only but one soul knows this, but that night I told my friend. I already had it planned by overdosing on antibiotics. My friend told his mom.
While innocently shopping at the store my dad received a phone call. I felt in my heart I already knew what it was. He glared at me, I was dizzy and almost fainted of scardness, I needed a shopping cart as a rail to avoid falling onto the cold floor. 5 minutes of after walking of being yelled at out of shock publically, my dad fell to the floor. We went home, not talking, the most non-iridescent feelings and thoughts I have ever lived. My mom was there, we all talked for 3 hours. That night, I had to give up my phone, looking at it before I turned it in, over 12 texts, 10 phone calls. I felt like a prisoner that night. I wasn't allowed to sleep by myself, walk upstairs, and even use the restroom by myself.
I had to skip school that day, until 5th period, to avoid all the questions that I would have probably been asked. Within 5 minutes back of my first class, I was called into the phycologists' office to "express my reasoning" of why I almost ended my life. It took me awhile to regain myself. Even after all that, it didn't even stop. A rumor was spread my dad was going to help me hang myself. What has nobody taken the hint of yet? Is ending a life not enough? Missing new friends, the love of my life I get to wake up to every morning, my children, my future? The reason I am so unconfident, don't accept compliments any more, is because it just takes me back to all those memories. Being lied to, set up..
I believe we have a choice in this world about how to tell sad stories, we can make it seem like the earth is falling apart, or we can sugar coat it. My life has changed in an uncountable number of ways. I never really knew how or why I decided to get over it. I will never be as pretty as any of the girls in my classes, or be able to get away wearing a tank top and shorts, but you have to look deeper. The way you overcome depression and suicide is simply this. You have to remind yourself, that it is okay not to be perfect. The moment you feel you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to and absolutely walk away. You don't let the struggle and the past be your identity. Little by little and day by day, we are growing and changing every second, and that's the beauty of life. We get a chance to live it. Don't be the person to make someone miss out on it, because I almost did.