Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Conclusion: Cole is an Ass

April 20, 2019
2:30pm-3:41pm
There is nothing I enjoy more then looking back at writing whether it be 3 months after or 1 day- it is funny to look at my thinking process of what a scenario is and what it means without having analyzing it all the way.
I prayed this morning and I would like to think I received the answer to everything. I was talking to God and was explaining how a part of me went on the trip because I knew something was going to go wrong. I think I went because I knew I was going to gain a new experience/lesson I could write about which would give me more knowledge. Although, the other part subconsciously I think for the greater good, I ended up going because the other girl was going. We both stuck together, and if either of us went alone- we would have been stuck in a toxic situation. Happily- we both teamed up and were able to leave out the door at the same time.
Now for the real lesson in which I was taught- the lesson and or "theme" is knowing and being aware of who your real friends are.
I always hear, " If you ever need anything, let me know I've got your back"- and when the time comes for whoever to act on it, there is always something more important. Again I understand people have their own lives, and sometimes people just can't get to you, but it's when it has become a consistent pattern of "sorry I was asleep, what's up", "I can't talk rn", "sorry I'm out with friends" etc,.
I am not and have never been a person to reach out to other people while in the midst of a crisis. I work it out myself. I don't like people knowing my business, that's for me and me only.
You know I am in a bad place when I DO reach out or ask to hangout because it is extremely uncharacteristic of me.
In this situation, it was me being terrified of not knowing if I got pregnant or not. I texted people who I thought of as "loyal confidants". I texted Jack Fitzpatrick who left me on read, and 3 other people who just was not concerned. And that really spoke something and touched me in a place I never felt.
This is when I realized that you can't count on other people in desperate times of need besides yourself. God, and at times your family.
I never told and never will tell anybody in my immediate family what happened. It is not that they wouldn't care- they obviously do because my dad drove 8 hours straight up and back to get me, but because I, even when I was little, have never felt so close to them in a way I would be comfortable talking to them about this stuff.
I have self taught myself everything about "becoming a woman", boys, sexual things and whatever else is "uncomfortable" for most. Just the "talks" no teenager wants to have with their parents.

It was that:
1) I knew my dad would flip out, and would never let me go out ever again
2) I lied to literally everyone that nothing sexual would go on, and all of the trust I have built over the years would be completely lost by this ONE mistake
3) All of my electronics would be shut off
4) I would have major restrictions of who I see, talk to, and what my daily schedule is like
5) I would be looked at different
6) Lastly, I would have that held against me forever

I honestly felt nothing when it happened. Literally. Nothing. I feel guilty for hiding it, for even doing it in the first place. It is between my integrity of would I rather live with the consequences till I am out of the house, or feel guilt and shame for who knows how long.
I already feel ashamed in myself. I repented for it. I prayed to God and I know he knows how much regret I have and is aware that this is not the kind of person I am.
If I were to tell my parents about it, I would just feel more guilt. And would be having consequences on top of that.
I don't want to beat myself up for making a mistake. Everybody does stuff like this at some point. People and adults with decades of more experience than me even till this day still make mistakes. My dad kept things from his parents... and EVERYBODY a first for everything.
It is impossible for any human to ever lose. We either win or we learn. And I learned.
I learned that I need to think of all the possible consequences before I take an action. I learned that I can never allow my standards to drop, no matter how much I want to "force" myself to mold into something I am not for somebody else. I learned that you shouldn't do things just to simply "please" someone because you are too afraid to say no- because of fear of a reaction or whatever else it may be. "No" is a complete sentence which does not require justification or an explanation. I learned that it is important to "live" in the present, but you need to simultaneously keep the "big picture" in the back of your head at ALL times. I learned that as "crazy" and overprotective parents may be, they will do ANYTHING for you- even if they gain NOTHING from it. I know sometimes it seems like they are out to get us, and they don't care- but we are their kids... Just because they are our parents does not mean they don't suffer from their own issues. Parents have anxiety, depression, PTSD etc,. just like us- but they have to mask it as if they don't. They can't focus on it. They don't want to freak their family out, they have jobs to work, they have a family to feed, bills to pay- there is no time to focus on themselves. I learned who my real friends are. I learned to realize that not everybody deserves to know me on the same level. That just because at first there seems to be a mental and emotional connection- that person has not and probably will not be as loyal to you as you are to yourself. Because you find one or the first ever "genuine" connections, it can either feel like home or an unfamiliar place-but you don't have to share your entire life story. I learned that no matter how horrible of a mistake you made, forgiveness isn't for other people- forgiveness is for yourself. I learned that we can apologize over and over, but if our actions don't change, our words and prayers will become meaningless- and our outcomes will never evolve. I learned that you don't have to apologize for evolving past your comfort zones. I learned worrying means that you are suffering twice. I learned that people are fence-sitters and have a shitty way of showing that they "care".
I learned that you draw what you're expecting, reflect on what you want, become what you praise and represent what you admire. I learned that we will find what we're looking for some day ... or perhaps not. Maybe we're going to discover something much bigger. I learned that you should always go with the choice that most scares you, as this will be the one that will help you to grow. I learned that when something "feels" off, it is. Our bodies pick up on bad vibrations. If something down inside of you says something just is not right about a person, situation, or whatever it is- trust it. It may not be what you want it to be, and it can disappoint you to where you will convince yourself to where when you want something so bad, you will mold it to be what the reality is not. Somehow your mind and body just know. I learned that when something doesn't go the way you initially planned, you have to let go of the illusion that somehow it could have been any different. I learned that maturity is when you realize not everything requires your comment or insight. I learned so much more... and the most important being that if i needed somebody and they weren't there, I will never need them again.