Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Romance Questions

"What is it like and why is it hard for you to date people?"
Hmm.. one word: stressful! Haha
Because I overanalyse every little thing about the other person, about myself, about us together and about us apart. Add to that some self-esteem issues (i.e. I'm not good enough, I'm too weird, I'm too nerdy, he's too handsome). I tend to lose a lot of sleep. I tend to not show my emotion (positive or negative) so if somebody sees me I'm not glowing with love. I keep everything inside even the hurt. BUT, I am also very blunt. I like to be straightforward and tell the person I have affection for what I feel in very clear and exact terms. I don't go about being coy and playing games. And if I'm the one who initiated the conversation about 'love' or 'romance' or 'relationship', I noticed that I have the tendency to ask the other person whether he feels the same towards me and I get baffled that they react negatively in response like shutting me out or saying they don't know or telling me directly they don't like being 'pressured' or 'asked' (this only happened once.. haha.. why am I generalising?).
If it seems like everything is working out and the other person wants me in return, I would be so happy then I would be scared.. 'what if it won't work out?' 'too Happy is very dangerous' or 'I don't deserve this'.
Falling and being in love is not rainbows and unicorns and happy thoughts. It's torture.
But it's also painfully beautiful and nothing I've ever experienced before. It makes me want to be the best person. It brings out the worst but also the best in me. It makes me feel like the most vulnerable baby but at the same time makes me feel like I can conquer the world.
I don't fond myself sexually attracted to people either. I think people can be attractive, but I think it is that every experience I have had has always ended horrible.
I don't think I love or fall in love differently as opposed to other people. Love is love. Every experience is unique and ugly-beautiful. And you'd be missing out if you don't give it a chance. I've been broken a multitude of times, but I'm still hopeful yet iffy.

"Why don't you show emotions and how do you repress them?"
Normally people feel emotions and act on them. And I am someone who processes them and then choose whether to act on them.
I do not show emotions which I don't genuinely feel. Especially in close relationship, where partner expects me to be sweet and cute because I was like that in the past.
If I do feel something genuinely, I choose if I want to show it to that person. If we don't have close enough relationship, most likely my response will be polite, impersonal, somewhat distant.
When I'm angry on someone (once in gazillion years), I get angry on myself for being angry. Strange feeling. I'm angry because I could not predict the situation and solve it in a cool manner. I almost never blame another person, just me.
In conclusion, I feel my emotions to be somewhat slow as opposite to impulsive behavior. And on the rare occasions they get extremely intense (like falling in love) they are so overwhelming that I unconsciously choose to get distant to that person. No wonder I am perceived as cold and distant- lmao.

Basically my thinking and judgmental combination will not immediately respond to the emotional surrounding, but instead I process it and rethink over it at a later time when the situation is devoid of emotional confusions, when the air is clear.
I have mastered in the understanding of long-term emotional values and in also analyzing philosophical derivatives driven by my intuitive nature. There is so much clarity in the emotional attachment to the regular surrounding and the people in it. I learned how to be good in processing it, recording it and even writing it, rather than reacting to it. The suppressed emotive values comes out great in a way.
Sometimes applying internal logic to emotions is futile. My thought pattern is trained with logic so when the emotion is illogical (which is MOST of the time) my brain can get caught up in this loop that won't stop.

I find it most useful in these cases to externalize the thoughts to stop them in their perpetual merry-go-round. Writing them out or talking them out with a trusted friend helps reflect and see patterns in what you are feeling. Perhaps there are many overlapping and conflicting emotions with different roots that are going on simultaneously. Perhaps you are feeling guilt or anger over things that are completely inconsequential that you need to let go. Externalizing thought (through writing, speaking) allows you to analyze it in a place where it stops whirling so that you can process it fully.

Sometimes I feel strong surges of emotion as well, though I am even-keel 90% of the time. These surges of emotion can be things as silly as dumb chemicals like dopamine or can be because you are dealing with a large emotional event (a move, a new relationship, a broken up relationship, a death, a shift in your self-identity, etc.) and have not finished processing it yet.

For me, when dealing with those big events, it helps to throw myself directly into those emotions and feel them as deeply and intensely as I can and run through all the thoughts associated with them. This would be stupid for other people that have emotions that run so deep they could drown in them. As for me, I don't think I can drown in a rain puddle (of emotion) so therefore this is my most efficient method for processing whatever is going on inside.
Long story short, I process emotions with both precision and definition, yet with a lot to do with indifference and thinking. So, it is like a nuclear bomb, all the elements kept right in its place precisely and separately inside in each of its own room, yet nothing to be tampered with ;)