February 5, 2019
8:13am-9:10am
Clovis West High School main office
Waiting to enroll again
Sometimes I sit and think about what life is. What the meaning is. You can define it in hundreds of ways. Different religions, peoples perspectives... etc, etc,.
When I sit and think, I see images. I'm better explaining in writing in general because you can convert with imagery in text; in person you just can't. It doesn't flow well.
I'm listening to music and I see flashbacks and a whole slide show of every experience I have had, good and bad.
There are so many things I want to go back and fix, never start... I always hold myself back due to fear.
Time goes by so fast, and before you know it, times up.
I suck at running, but I want to run. So far and so fast.
There is so much pain and hurt in the world and I don't know how to do anything but notice it.
My dad always told me I need to "fix my highs and lows" and "get my emotions in check".
It's not that my emotions have more control over me than I have over them, but when I wake up, I'm a white canvas. The second I step into a setting with people, slowing paint gets on the canvas. I absorb every single person's energy and feelings as if they are my own. I am all over the place because one person in the room is upset and irritated, another is depressed and sad, and one is calm and collected.
Because I'm around all of that, I feel all of that at the same time.
It's not that I don't have my own identity, but I don't know how to only focus on me.
There is so much hatred in the world, and so much anger in people- when in the long run the only thing people are seeking is companionship.
I want to be a light for people. And I want to be the person people feel comfortable enough to tell me anything.
My life has gotten to such a rock bottom. It's always something else.
I'm not saying I don't make mistakes or contribute, I know my actions are stupid... but I think they're necessary.
When something happens, I get this little nudge inside me, and when I disregard I watch an act of service go into the hands of another.
However, when I do follow the nudge, I end up getting my intentions misinterpreted, I try and justify myself and it's seen as lying and bantering...
There is no "in between". How does anybody expect me to ask "are you okay?" And when the person says "yes" to just believe it... it's so obvious that the person is in so much pain.
I'm willing to give out a hand whether the person I am dealing with is on good terms or bad terms with me.
I end up over exposing myself or end up thinking out loud, saying stuff I didn't mean to.
I just want to start over.
I want my life back so much.
I know and have faith in God that he knows what he's doing.
I know he doesn't waste anything, not even the bad stuff.
But I just want to feel tranquil.
I know I can't save everybody, and everytime I try I end up getting hurt... but I did what I did.
I know I'm not responsible for fixing everybody's issues, and even if I do it's not going to change my entire world... but what if I changed that person's entire world...?
I don't give out empathy, time, energy, money, compassion, thought, and service to receive anything back- that would take away the whole purpose.
I do it because it's what the world needs.
I know my approaches can have the same effect with a more logical approach, but it's just not me.. I'm not wired that way.
I see what people need. And I will do anything to give that to them.
It doesn't matter to me if it's "underappreciated" or seen as "extra"/ "weird", what matters to me is that I know I helped.
So here's my question...
I'm not trying to sound conceited or full of myself, but I think I am a good person.
Why do the nicest people get treated the worst?
Why do the superficial people get praised and not those who are authentic?
Why is the world full of envy and jealousy?
Why can't we admire the positives in life instead of the one negative?
The world is so cold. It's slowly falling apart into a deep underbelly of misconstrusion.
Life is not even life. Life is a homicide.
We live in a world ruled by the law of diffusion of innovation.
It's used in the marketing industry and explains that if you want mass market success or mass market acceptance of an idea, you cannot have it- until you achieve tipping point (15-18% [13.5-34%] market penetration)
* Once you do that, THEN the system "tips"
* Conversation "10%" because they're using people who "get it"(13.5%) unlike (34-16%)
* Because early majority(34%)will not try something until someone else has tried it first (13.5%)
* Innovators & adopters try first because they're comfortable with gut/intuitive decisions that are driven from what they BELIEVE about the world and NOT just about what product is available.
People lead by being powerful, not liked.
People think assumptions are facts.
People would rather be a bystander than say something.
What are we doing.. because I have no idea.
I used to be something so special. People told me I had a light to me.
And now I'm nothing.
YOU ARE READING
Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)
Non-FictionDear Reader, This journal is my own personal journal. As you read, you will come across letters, school work, essays, entries, photos, drawings, etc,. on how I, myself, experienced and saw the world. This is dedicated for those who seek what is...
