Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Hi I suck at relationships!!

April 9. 2019
9:10am-9:48am

Okayyyyy so..
I used to feel my emotions 24/7, more than I should have.
Overime, because of being cheated on, being in a one sided relationship, emotional trauma, there came a point where I just shut all of my emotions off. If I started thinking and reminiscing something, I would go do something and distract myself.
I am a massive planner. I have planned my entire life out (on PInterest). However, as I have gotten older, it doesn't seem very appealing. I don't like thinking about having to rely on someone to help me with something, or ask them to do me favors I am capable of doing myself. I am not a control freak, but I am pretty self-sufficient. I think the problem is that when a person like myself has become so independent for such long periods of time, we become so focused on our goals, work, projects, to that we do not even see the use in getting into a relationship which always turns out to be some emotional rollercoaster.
I am one the most emotionless female you will ever meet. I am very aloof and have the mind of a man. If you hear me ever say, "oh I like... so and so" - chances are it doesn't even phase me. I never bring up actual romantic feelings I have for people. When I "feel", not think, but "feel" emotions, I feel them very deeply. My emotions are ambiguous. I rarely ever feel an emotion at the time of an event or interaction. I spend most of my day doing things I need/want to do without consulting my feelings. It's not until the end of the day that I start to reflect on what has happened and try to decipher any emotions I might be feeling.
What scares me is when I DO feel emotions. I know it's real because I usually question if someone meets up to my standards... I know it's real when I start questioning if I meet up to theirs. Usually I romantically go for people who argues with me or does anything else that engages both our intellect and emotion at the same time. I enjoy analyzing every tiny detail in people's behavior and pick up on what makes them tick. I end up being able to figure people out at a very fast pace, and they're "blown" away by how much I know. But it ends up, surprise surprise 1 I end up being attracted to the one I can't figure out. The one whose behavior I can't quite analyze.
I should go for the one that seduces me and is able to make me throw logic out the window and just go with what I'm feeling. Someone who shows me that things don't always have to "make sense" in order for them to make me happy... however- A part of me likes the idea of being so comfortable with someone that I can maintain a genuine relationship with them, but at the same time- I don't want to feel too attached to anybody as if I was "dependent" on someone else.
Sometimes even with friends, I stop talking to them for a short while if I feel like we are getting "too close".
There's a lotttt more to it than what I have summed up, but when I do find that special person, I can still be an enigma. I will be a dedicated partner who supports you in achieving your goals- but I can also seem distant, quick to judge, and at times, completely clueless about my partner's feelings.
Like, I don't coddle or play mind games. You say you're fine?? Fine. Not going to nag.

I keep to myself. I live in a bubble where I rationalize everything until it makes logical sense to me. Although I do care about how others perceive me, I am not very likely to compromise in order to be more "acceptable" to somebody. I stay single because I have met many people who sought to change me for the sake of me being acceptable to them. Sorry.. it doesn't work that way. That is a game that I have made the mistake of playing. Won't happen again.
I'm very picky. I have this elaborate check list of all the qualities my "ideal" man should and shouldn't have. It's very in depth. And while I might be willing to give up on few qualities, I'm largely unwilling to do so. This is one of the few things that I have very high expectations for. I need someone who challenges me, who makes me better, who stands up to me, and can see right through my facade. Someone who is responsible, ambitious, encouraging, emotionally intense, and who has the same sociological/moral views as me. And it's very hard to encounter someone who meets these qualities. And generally, they are either out of my league, or with someone else.
Forging new relationships and or any kind of relationship is not easy for me. I don't trust people easily or open up to them much. It takes a lot to encourage me to dedicate my time to someone on a regular basis.
If things starts getting too intense too soon, I run for the hills. If things don't pick up pace, I leave. I don't stick around to "fix" it, I will quit it. It's just really hard to find someone who takes things at just the right speed. Too fast too soon, I'll get scared. A little too slow, I'll get bored.
There's the obvious matter of me being an introvert. I don't go out a lot. And even when I do, it's not to events where I'll end up socializing and meeting new people. So it's very hard to come across someone new and interesting.
I'm also not the smoothest person out there. Sometimes I think I am confident enough to "flirt", but most of the time I just feel weird. Flirting just feels all wrong when you've just met a person and you don't even know them. If I end up having a particular interest in someone, I could definitely flirt. But most people start flirting at a very early stage, and that's where I fail. I also don't understand when someone is trying to "make a move" because I perceive it as someone trying to be nice. So the other person ends up thinking I'm uninterested in them.
Then there's also the matter of space. I can't fathom talking to the same person for hours at length everyday. It is not that I don't love you, but if you drain me?? I will need to be left alone occasionally. There aren't many people who would understand that. I also cannot talk on the phone or go out a lot. It makes me very uncomfortable and tired. How many people are willing to deal with that?
When I look at relationships, they are almost always a long term thing. Flings aren't my thing. But at the same time, committing to the same person indefinitely feels like a daunting task. What if I start getting bored? What if I lose interest? Seems much easier to avoid them all together.
I just can't talk about the day to day things with my potential partner. Yes, I would ask him about what's going on in his life. But mostly, I'd like to debate and argue about things. To talk about deep, intense things. Again, not everyone's cup of tea.
But most of all, and I've found this to be largely true for me, I intimidate people. I do not come across as "warm" like most. I'm a little too intense, and real for people in general. I won't sweet talk you, I won't lie to make you happy, I'll stand up against you if I don't agree with you. I have a lot of tiny little quirks that I don't bother hiding. I like being different and going against the flow. I'm fiery yet cold, logical but extremely passionate, practical but still dreamy. Most people get scared during the first few stages, before they've unearthed all the layers guarding me. However, I do reveal myself in layers, if I deem you worthy. I peel slowly. I watch the person's reactions. One small flinch and I seal.