Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

And Just Like That

July 3, 2019
11:50pm-1:19am

Holy shit... my last entry. I am sitting here in my bed after cleaning my room, and never would have guessed this journal would turn into what it has. So much detail, so much depth. So much honesty, vulnerability just out in the open. I have kept myself this puzzle to the external world and factors that made up of it, and just like that- in one book, everything is exposed. The truth is exposed. The way that I see and view the world is exposed. My personal perspectives on people, school, staff, even myself. The truth in drama and conflict..
I think the most interesting thing throughout this entire journal, is that you see a literal human being grow. Evolve, change. You can't do that with snapchat or with photos. But with writing. You can see throughout every page how I took my focus from one thing to another. You can see me falling in love. You can see me making mistakes. You can see me stressed out about a certain situation, but then flip a few pages and you get to see how it was resolved along with the outcome. It is like you think know this one person that you have been familiar with your whole life- to the only realise there is a whole other side to them you never even knew was there.
So much has happened. I have met new people, lost close ones. Was confused about who I was, but now have a full on understanding. It wasn't until I stopped caring about what people thought. I used to try so so hard for people to notice me, only to realize that I stick out best when I am just myself.
I was so emotional and "feely", and have become to be this logical, rational problem solver. I don't crack under pressure or let the tiny things get to me. I stopped allowing people and certain things define who I am, but created myself as I have envisioned.

I think it is crazy the way life is. How people can be, and how much is not seen. I think it is so interesting that in this day and age- there is nothing that connects this generation has absolutely nothing to unite them. No type of history, no sort of background. Nothing. There is this inner emptiness that wallows. I have noticed that I have anxiety, and have always been scared that people will judge me. Yet, I was right. People have "super ego's" which is the part of a person's mind that acts as a self-critical conscience, reflecting social standards learned from parents and teachers. Everything you see in a person, is the way they have been conditioned to be. That's why you can't judge. The superego works to suppress the urges of the id and tries to make the ego behave morally, rather than realistically.This all adds up to product of the instinctual, biological component , and the superego is the social component of our personality and conscience .

I have learned so much this last 2018-2019 year. I believe every bad scenario will 100% always have a higher efficient outcome than beginning to start with. I will always have my personal questions such as, "If it was Jenna and those kids bullying me, why was I the one that had to leave?"

The soul purpose of this journal was to put everything I have ever wanted to say, let out, confess- into one big bundle, to feel like I have "said everything". To have no hindsight. However, there is already so much I want to add.
I have put so much time, energy, thought, and heart into this. I hope this can be huge. I hope that this journal alone will allow me to be financially stable. Like, through so much struggling, this is my way out to a break.
If this does blow up? Hypothetically speaking? I would do a second volume. I would answer any questions anybody had. I would give full detail about a situation or relationship I didn't thoroughly give details on.

I think it is a lot to put yourself out there the way I am, especially in a generation like this. You are either cherished or judged. Worshiped or frowned upon. Loved or hated.
We all as the youth, the leaders of the following millennials behind us, need to have some type of connection to one another. Why not acceptance? Understanding? Tolerance? Consistency? Why not create thick skin?
There has to be more... I know there is more to this life than what we are settling for. I know there is so much potential in the youth of this generation. If we all just accepted. Religion, opinion, decisions, who people are. What is the REAL competition here? Huh?
What is this HUGE reward we get at the end? We take nothing with us when we die, all for only the memories we left with people. The impact we had on other people's lives. Tomorrow is not a promise, so why waste it? If we all just somehow in the name of God, came together as one, I believe and testify that we could create, achieve, and finish something great. I have hope. I have an extraordinary sense of optimism that I am not sure where it comes from, but it is an energy. A feeling. A guidence of truth.

I don't think anybody really KNOWS for sure what they are doing. We come down here on this earth with no knowledge. No idea what we are supposed to do. Yet, we learn by watching. Observing, practicing, doing. What is it really that we seek for in the end? Happiness? Wealth? Acceptance?
I think in the end, we all are in search for the same thing- which is companionship. We will never get there by repelling one another. If nobody is going to break this cycle, this comfort zone we all seem to be fine in? When is anything going to evolve?
Who and what are we comparing ourselves to? What are we judging? What even is the "norm"? Exactly, there is no norm.

I am 17. Sometimes it is hard for me to realize and accept that not everybody thinks and processes the same was as me. What I love about this journal, is you can see me legitimately CHANGE the way that I think. The way I begin to put it into my everyday encounter. Can't anybody see beneath the surface?? Can't you see the concept??? That life isn't really what it is portrayed as? If we all just put our hands down and stopped, what would there be to do? What war would be fought? What expenses would have to be paid? None.
Nature works on analogies. Different stuff, same equations. Left on their own devices, things tend to develop from bad to worse. I have always said to never touch a working system. But if it doesn't work, replace it immediately with a system known to work.
It is not the toys you have, but the skill you can play with them.

I don't want to live anymore in this corrupt society. It is boring. I am all about the big picture, but I don't care about "new technology" or "what is going to be developed in 2025".
I don't want something which will be excellent and state the of art in the future. I want something which works well enough here and now.

I pray this journal will touch the hearts and lives of millions. I hope this will open eyes to how shitty yet wonderful reality can actually be. I hope I was able to achieve and give insight to those who don't know me, or that have never seen this side of me. It is time for change. I aspire that handing out my life story, thoughts, intimate feelings, and revealing my own superego- that it can generate something massive.

Thanks for taking the time to read and ponder this journal.
Best regards,
Lauren Ashley Lambourne