Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

The girl in my PE class

We never physically spoke, but I could tell a lot about her from just observing her.

March 8, 2019
Alecks,
Believe it or not, I used to be really good with emotional support and words in general... It is clear I have gotten a bit rusty. Please know just because I don't reach out everyday that myself doesn't care for you. I know the feeling of a dry phone. I can't describe how horrible I feel in class when I walk by you as if we have never spoken. It isn't that at all. When I was at Clovis North, situations took place during the course of time that have completely made my social anxiety take a 180 and skyrocket. I think how dumb it is that talking to people is so hard for me. I can't fully wrap my head around this one. I feel like my brain just freezes if someone tries to make small talk with me. The best I can do is to nod my head or mumble couple of words. I become lightheaded, feel adrenaline rush and start to feel the need to run away. On these bad days, when I feel socially exhausted, it is really difficult just to get out of bed and bring myself to leave the house. I rather stay hungry at home than leave my house and go to the grocery store. It seems like a challenge that I cannot accept at the moment. Even if I can handle big crowds, I still feel weak around people at parties or family gatherings in which I have trouble maintaining conversations. I just stumble through a few awkward encounters before people uncomfortably excuse themselves to find someone else to talk to and I just end up standing around by myself, which makes me feel even worse. I think that is why I subconsciously end up alone in solitude the vast majority of the time. It's easier to avoid altogether opposed to trying to "fix" it.
This is all a guess, but I would say you feel everything around you deeply, and are often connected to the world in a powerful way. You care about others, and often want to do whatever you can to help people. You feel things in a way that many people cannot understand, and simply don't do anything in a shallow way. Your sense of compassion and warmth can sometimes go unnoticed because of the way that you express yourself. You do not always express your emotions in a way that other people can completely understand. Your inner world is so rich, that it does not always translate in a conventional way. This does make it difficult for you sometimes, especially if you are attempting to explain yourself verbally. Sometimes the best way for you to make your feelings or thoughts more clear, is for you to take the time to write them out.
However, I know often you most likely feel misunderstood and invisible, and I want nothing more than the complete opposite of that. You keep your deeply held values and feelings private. For this reason, you may struggle to articulate the thoughts and feelings that are the most important to you. For instance, you may experience a slew of emotions when you try make sense of all of the unpleasant incidences that have taken place in your lifr. These emotions can make you feel very heavy; and because they are so complex and private, often times you cannot share them with others, which only makes you feel more isolated.
When it comes to your relationships, you also look inward. You tend to be a great listener and natural therapist. It brings you great joy to help others unravel their inner core and learn more about who they truly are. At least for myself, I understand and relate to the fact that you need plenty of alone time to process things, which can also be misunderstood by others. You need to have time to recharge, and during this time you are often thinking about your loved ones. Yeah you might not outwardly express what you are thinking about, but being alone allows you time to process your feelings. It is a struggle that many people like you and I face, especially when people perceive this need for alone time as being "rude". Just because you experience intense emotions, doesn't mean you are going to let people walk all over you. If someone treats you wrong, they are out of your life. End of story.
I acknowledge in person I am just this complete stranger, but it is easily seen that I observe a lot. I ask you truly analyze and understand you are not invisible, irrelevant, or some sort of burden. I know in this day and age, loyalty and society itself creates a blockade for appritiation and reciprocated gestures. I know people don't say it, but thank you for knowing all the darkest parts of us and loving us anyway. Accept that your mind is quite possibly one of the most fascinating and entertaining places on earth. You are the deepest, most beautiful well of compassion and creativity and emotional resilience, all rolled into one impossibly cool, humble human being. Nobody who is loved by you will ever have to know what it feels like to be unloved or alone. You are as deeply creative as you are sharply intelligent and everyone who knows you well is more in awe of you than you will ever know. When someone as individualistic as yourself loves someone, that person becomes both a muse and a work of art. Know that people that hurt you miss the intensity, passion and depth that you brought to their lives. Nobody else has ever loved them with quite the ferocity that you did - and in a world full of superficial people, they miss your authenticity and depth terribly.
Try to remind yourself that you most likely have a rich inner world. Sometimes, this makes it hard to distinguish thought from reality; emotion from truth; optimism from insanity. It really can go either way, any which way... it all just depends on the parameters you define. What I mean by this is: your mind is particularly susceptible to (over-)analysing and processing the stimuli around you, at any given time - whether you realize it or not - so it's up to you to decide what meaning you ascribe to it. If, for instance, you've got a nightmare boss or frustrating coworkers (not speaking from experience here...), taking a step back to understand that it's not about you can be life-saving. On the other hand, this internal chattering can lead to some of your best work, your most thoughtful comments, and unusual perceptions. When you use it to your advantage and focus it on positive acts and expressions, you may just find the universe starts working in your favor.
Despite coming across as quite serious or "shy", you actually have a very loopy sense of humor. The thing is, this is generally reserved for your nearest and dearest - you don't just give away your best accent impressions to just anyone. If you find yourself on the receiving end of comments about your withdrawn nature, just take it in your stride.
As a generally receptive and analytic individual, you can maybe overthink your art to the point where you don't produce it. Again, it depends on what the voice in your head is saying - or, rather, how you channel this energy. Because at the end of the day, minds just work with what we feed them. If you consciously decide to focus on living a creative life, your inner force of expression will rise to meet the occasion. Trust me, it works.
At the end of the day, you are full of many talents, gifts, and surprises - but all too often, you keep them to yourself. You don't believe in controlling others or bothering them, which often ends up with you erring on the side of keeping things bottled up. This can be troublesome - not only for you, but those around you. I relate though...
Of course, you need to feel comfortable with this, and there's a lot to be said for taking your time to get things right... but it doesn't always have to be perfect. It just needs to get out there.
For the time being, as sucky and unfortunate as it is- try make an investment to self improvement. You have tremendous potential but sometimes fail to execute. This is due to your nature to get bored of everything too quickly. But you never get bored with yourself. Use this energy systematically to enhance your own skills, you can achieve higher levels of satisfaction and better life.
What truly defines you is the way you make other people feel about themself. Never forget that.
We may be "internet friends" at heart, but I still love you. Okay?
- Lauren A. Lambourne