Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Groundhog Day

April 5, 2019
9:21am-TBC

Usually I have this burning passion when I proceed to write a new entry, but not today. I always thought that "time" was supposed to heal things, which I figured out it doesn't it every case. I am sitting here in second period not doing my credit makeup, with puffy eyes and thoughts of despair.
I hate everyday that I have to live. Not in a suicidal way, but it is sickening to me that every single day is a repeat of the last.
I start off by first getting up to the "Family Feud" game show song at 4:00am or 4:20am.
I usually turn on the brightest light in the bathroom first which I try to avoid but fail- then am blinded for about a minute. I grab the razor off my dads sink and hop in the shower. Kinda just sit there and tone my stupid hair. Then I come out freezing, walk into my room, turn off the fan, and turn on the light which always wakes up my sister.
I go in my closet and find a big T-shirt, then walk over to my makeup table.
I sit for a second feeling horrible about turning on my hair dryer, but I then blow dry my hair, and throw it back in a bun to do super light makeup.
I put my blue contacts in, find one of the 5 sweats I wear every week and pair it with 1 of the 5 T-shirts I wear every week. If they're black sweats, I'll wear black socks, or if they are gray I wear the "no show" ankle socks with my dirty beat up white slip on vans.
Second either Greg or Lindsey will take me to seminary- so I wake one of them up at least 4 times before they actually "get" up.
If its my dad he puts on a hoodie and slippers. If it's my sister- she goes to the bathroom, stares in the mirror for an odd couple seconds, put up her hair, and say hi to our dog Howie.
We usually are out the door by 6:17am-6:20am. I put my earphones in all the drive there, and take out my left one when either of them speak.
I walk into the church building for seminary at 6:35am-6:38am. I go to the back bathroom first, check my hair, most likely put it into a ponytail, check the back of my hair with the orange mirror, and walk to class which is held in the primary room.
I sign in, and walk to my designated spot which is the very end of the last table to the right. I hear a "good morning Lauren" from Sister Pace, and scoot my chair up to have good posture.
I make eye contact with Trent sometimes, and usually don't talk much.
I read a couple scriptures here and there, and walk out at 7:15am or earlier and end up in the foyer across from Trent- but we don't say anything.
I hop in the car at 7:17am and go to school. I wander around to either the from the baseball diamond to watch the sun and the packs of birds fly, or sit by the opening of the baseball field and observe.
Once the bell rings at either 7:55am or 8:05am, I walk into first period chemistry coming from the parking lot which I sitting at for 45 minutes. I go into the bathroom first, put on chapstick and walk out.
I show up inside chemistry with my hands and phone in my pockets, with white earphones in. I whip around my blue RVCA backpack onto my very own table because I sit alone due to too much anxiety. I don't talk to anybody. I sit there and look at Ognibene's google classroom because I would rather be taught with her words. So during "note taking time" - I am scribbling down her powerpoints.
I go to second period study skills where I literally sit here and am never on task because I am writing this journal book thing.
Third period I go into U.S. history and am either the 4th person there or the last. I make an awkward entry and go over to where I sit. A kid named Nate says "W'sup Lauren", Cole Arnold moves his feet out from under my chair, then puts them back when I sit back down.
We do a warm up from the day before, take fill in notes, and do a "guided reading" from the chapter we are on.
Usually make uncomfortable eye contact with my teacher when I am secretly crying, and when I look over she is already staring at me.
Fourth period I walk over to P.E.. I cross over the big hill and if I see Baskin he usually gives me a hug- I hate physical contact, but with him I don't mind it. It is a small gesture but before P.E. it is kind of a small feeling of "it's going to be alright. Hang in there."
During P.E.- I am curled in a ball listening to music as most people stare but never approach me. I end up taking attendance and go to the library.
Then there is fifth period (lunch). I either go into Calderon's classroom which is the "designated" water polo-swimmer room. I sit in the very back corner, and watch people like Jack Fitzpatrick come in, see me, look up to see a group on the completely other side, and then laugh and join them. Or, I'll sit in the attendance room, library or the bleachers near the track in the very top corner.
Sixth period is english. I walk in and everybody turns, and I wonder how they all got there so quick. I sit in the very back corner with an empty seat next to me where I just place my backpack. Braden Clement walks in late nearly everyday with a cup in his hand from some fast food outing.
My last is seventh period which is math. I walk in as my teacher is sitting back in his hair with his arms folded or he is on his phone/computer. I walk over to my seat again in the last row, very back corner. I have not talked to anybody in that class all year. I don't do anything in that class. I just draw on the back of my homework packet.

I go home with either Lindsey that picks me up in the "visitor" parking lot, or I meet my dad out on the street while I wait on a pole.
I go home, say hi to howie, then go in my room.
Don't usually do homework, but then I eventually fall asleep.
Then, I do it all over again when I wake up.