Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Welp..

April 29, 2019
8:22am-8:46am

Whoop whoop.. Why can I never follow through with things I actually want to do? I feel so numb, and cried myself to sleep, but woke up as if it's just another day and I am perfectly fine. I am so sick of talking about this subject because I know it's touchy, but why can I never go through with it? "Suicide" is almost always on my mind. I know I'd never do it, but it's always a thought. It's like my plan Z, it's just one of infinite options. Why do I care and worry so much about hurting that don't even care to reach out to me? To hurt people that have literally hurt me to the point where it created who I am? A broken human being.
It's like the intuitive part of me knows I have something more to offer deep down that's some big ole "come back" story- but I am so lost. And I again go back to that picture I made in my mind of the road and the turns. I think like if I was to die, I always pictured God getting to show you your life and what would have been. I see the riches and everybody knowing who I am, but is that even realistic? Am I thinking logically? Am I thinking reality or taking my imagination too far?? I don't know. Right now I am a walking waste of space. I don't do anything. I sit in school and work on this book. I wanna go back and pick out the parts of my life I want back. Choose what my reality would have been. I am 17 with long brown golden natural hair, I am a star water polo player, I live in my house by Woodward Park, I go to Clovis North, I have good grades, playing ODP water polo with Lexi, traveling every weekend, planning and training for the olympics as a top scorer, for college I am at UCLA playing polo majoring in either criminology or teaching, graduating 2020, and living life.
My question is if it is going to get better from where I am at? If someone came up to me with this scenario, what advice would I give them? I would say that God doesn't waste anything good or bad, and that your faith is being tested from when you have everything, to when you have nothing.
I know it isn't easy to see, but when will I be able to start listening to myself? I would be in a lot better place if I took my own advice.

I need a clean slate. I need to reinvent myself. I need to stop limiting myself to thinking "What would an INTJ do" and go with who I am. I don't even know who I am. I need to take my time and figure it out. How do I come across and how do I make other people feel about themselves? What energy do I bring into a room? Is what I am saying going to make somebody feel stupid or think less of somebody else? Would I tell somebody the things I tell myself?
I need to take a break. I need to keep writing and figure it out. And when I do, I can start developing and helping people the way I used to. I will get more active in my church and start doing more service. I am going to become the best version of myself that nobody has ever seen- including me. I am going to make people see me the way they should, and not the way they think they should. I am going to be positive even if it drains me. I am going to help and be patient with people. I am going to give thorough explanations even if people don't deserve or want it. I am going to live my life for Christ. I am going to break free of this cycle and pattern I keep repeating. I am going to find myself again. The brown hair, green eyed girl that would take any drastic measure to make one person laugh. The one who doesn't care. The one that is accepting and not afraid to stand up to unjust things. The one who doesn't have anxiety and depression. The one who doesn't have fear. The real me.