Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Yikes.

April 29, 2019
12:57am-1:43am

I've been at Vivian's for about 6 days now. My dad and basically everyone in my family is split up.
I can't sleep. I'm so exhausted from living and waking up and not knowing what new is going to come.
I added Trent on Snapchat and we talked for a little, and as soon as I left him on read he blocked me.
What a peculiar state I'm in. What a peculiar state we're all in. Let's play, a game. Where all of the lives we live can change. Let's play, a game. Where nothing that we can see, the same. We'll find other pieces to the puzzles, but slipping out under the locks.
I'm done. I'm tired. I feel so over abused. I'm exhausted. I don't want to hurt anyone, but that whole Cole-Beach scenario was my last straw. I'm so broken. I can't keep hurting myself. I can't heal in the same place I got hurt. I miss North. I keep thinking about it and I can't go back. I miss Toni. I miss when I played water polo. I miss my life. I miss when my dad didn't have a girlfriend. I miss when my mom wasn't married. I miss when I wasn't so sad.
I can't keep going on everyday looking for something new when damn straight I know nothing new is going to pop out.
I've prayed so much and I just feel so alone still. It's not like I'm being a horrible person and then praying like I'm innocent.
I'm hurt. I have so many scars people can't see. Nobody ever sees that I don't raise my eyebrows. I have no energy.
It's not that I want to die, but I want a new reality. Not in a month. Not in a year. Right now.
I miss you Loving. I miss you Alvarado. I miss you Robles. I miss you Ognibene. I miss you Saunders. I miss you Barrett. I miss you Bennett. I miss the police officers that I would joke around with at lunch. I miss you Nick Muia. God Nick I love you so much. I miss you Aidan Gilliatt. I miss you Alan. I miss North. I miss when everything was so simple. I hate West. I hate that people don't care if I'm around or not. I hate that people don't take the time to talk to me. I hate that my teachers yell at me for not doing my work. I hate that I'm not going to graduate. I hate that I'm so tired. I hate that people I used to spend everyday with don't talk to me. I hate the music now. I hate how people treat me. I hate everything.

To Nate in my history class: Thank you for always saying "What's up Lauren?" Even when I only give a peace sign or a raise of the eyebrows.

To Taylor Saunders: Thank you for always keeping your door open no matter what. Even when I didn't make sense.

To Matt Baker: Thank you for always being consistent in your friendship with our family.

To Mark Mccomber: Thank you for listening. For always giving me a laugh. For actually talking to me when I went 8 hours straight knowing nobody would.

To Ashlee Little: Thank you for making TA-ing fun and breaking the ice. You gave me smiles when I couldn't find them.

To the Ward family: Thank you for never forgetting about us, and always laughing at our jokes. I love our Sunday dinners

To Vivian: Thank you for being my utterly best friend. For nearly 12 years, you have been by my side. At my best, and at my worst.

To Coach Nicos: Thank you for yelling at me across the football field. For believing in me. For having a girl on the team.

To Scott Torosian: Thank you for always asking how my day was. Even though you knew it was a lie, for making me laugh.

To Anthony Carmona: Thank you for coming out of nowhere when I felt most alone. For taking an interest and loving who I was even when I couldn't love myself.

To Jace Voice: Thank you for being my most loyal confidant. For reeling me back in when I got snagged. For being a safe I could pour myself into.

To my seminary teachers: Thank you for letting me put my head down some days. Thank you for challenging my thinking. For always acknowledging my answers with enthusiasm. For planning a new lesson every single day.

To Coach Castro: Thank you for always letting me go to the library without asking why when it was nearly everyday. For not making me explain what hurts me, to where you just knew.

To Richard Sarkisian: Thank you for asking how I was when you found me huddled in a ball in the corner of the J building. For recognizing my smile from tears at day on the green. For knowing exactly who I was, and never approached me.

To Nick Caraccilo: Thank you for messaging me. My phone is so dry. You always told me to "smile more", notifications from you and banters we had did- even though I pretended it didn't.

To Katie Ogden: Thank you for always pulling my shoulder back in the mornings. For staring at me across the parking lot when you noticed me sitting by myself, but letting me be.

To Toni Ognibene: Thank you for... everything.

To Corbett Loving: Thank you for being the shoulder I always ran to when I felt everybody else was air I couldn't see.

To Brad Zimmer: Thank you for always keeping an eye out on me. Even when I pushed you out as far as I could.

To Jimmy "Changa": Thank you for always asking how I am doing. It was always bad, but I was always lightened when you asked.

To Liberty Imboden: Thank you for never passing me by and not saying hi. Every. Single. Time.

To Hannah Cleveland: Thank you for making my life a walk in the park. For humbling me when I needed to be.

To Madi Drew: Thank you for being you.

To Kayla Lazakus and Carly Fisher: Thank you for being the only two people in the entire school to talk to me in a class more than 1 sentence. For making me feel included and not such an outsider.

To Garrett Roggenstein: Thank you for taking me out on my first date. For taking me out when I started believing I was unlovable.

To Maddy Bauer: Thank you for being the most positive spirit. Nor rain nor slate.

To Nathan Sibert: Thank you for always hugging me when passing me by in the hallway. Even though I always struggled to get away, you saw the tears on my waterline, and would always just hold me.

To Braden Clement: Thank you for being my best friend. For being my person. For being so close to me I could tell you things I couldn't even say out loud. God, I love you.

To Curtis Vidinoff: Thank you for being my other half.

To Julia Fitzpatrick: Thank you for being the little sister I never had. I don't think siblings is sorted through blood, but by heart. You are my sister no doubt.

To Andrew Bowman: Thank you for making me feel smart. For acknowledging I exist. For making me think what I say is valuable.

To Blake Mason: Thank you for being the person I admire most. For always smiling. For always putting me in my place. If I had to spend the rest of my life with someone, I would be you no question. I couldn't be bored with you if I tried.

To Payton Gardiner: Thank you for being my psychologist. For telling me how it is. For getting hyped with me when nobody else would. For making dumb videos with me and laughing at my jokes.

To Marco Meraz: Thank you for always saying hello and goodnight. Sometimes you were the only one I heard both from.

To Daniel Kosareff: Thank you for almost being like my big brother. For putting up with me when I couldn't even put up with myself. For teaching me to be rational and to know that everything will work itself out.

To Marissa Lopez, Evan Gulbronsen, Ella Guffey, Lara Vu, Heidi, Katie, Delaney Phillips, Miah Salinas, Lexi Stahl, Susie, and Mattie Herzog: Thank you for being my first group of real friends. You have changed my life in such a drastic way I don't know how to function now, and don't know how I ever lived before.

To Keenan Madsen: Thank you for always checking up on me. Even when your friends would tell you how much they hated me, you didn't believe any of it. You made me feel so beautiful.

To Kerri Jones: Thank you for no matter what, being there when I needed you, even though I may not always have been.

To Scott Tashima: Thank you for always giving me a push when I needed one- that even being in the hallway. I've always had a special place in my heart for you, I don't know why. That place will never leave, and could never be replaced.

To myself: Thank you for going as far as you did. Nobody can say otherwise.