Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

In which the protagonist turns out to be a dumb ass

January 26, 2019
Moonstone Beach in Cambria, CA
In Cambria Shores Inn Motel
7:22pm-

I don't really.. know where to start? I guess. My life, feels transparent. I don't know if it has to do with the fact I haven't been very active in the Mormon church, or... that's all I've got.
I was being bullied, tormented, and harassed at the school I transferred to. Long story short, there was a group of kids, that knew of me from my freshman ex-boyfriend (Zakk). He has been spreading lies since we broke up, which was nearly 3 years ago (we broke up freshmen year and we are juniors now).
Over the years, he told nearly everyone:
I gave him PTSD
I spread lies about him
I was emotionally abusive
I would get upset and wouldn't let him hang out with his friends
I'm a "psychopath"
"Crazy" is an understatement for me
Etc, etc,..
There is just.. so much more to the story than what he is sharing at surface level.

So anyways, this group at school, I understand that Zakk is their friend, and he is someone they hangout with, talk to on the daily, get advice from... why wouldn't you believe what he says? Exactly.
Again this "group", believe all of these lies are facts. They just make all of these horrible assumptions, and spread them around the school.
I was such an easy target.
I was new at school
They knew my name
I can justify anybody's actions
I see the best in everyone..
However, over time I tried to fix it and it just got worse. I wasn't trying to "feed the fire", I just hate conflict more than anything.
I wasn't being irrational saying they had it all wrong, but..
Anyway, I got over it and started going out with this new kid Trent. It was going really well to be quite honest. I got him out of his shell, he got me to be more spontaneous- we just helped each other develop new and good traits.
On the other hand, one of the girls from the group, Jenna, was in love with Trent. They had gone out previously but, ya know high school.
He said he was over it but.
So long long story short, Jenna ended up finding out we were dating and told Trent lies (I don't know what they were, I still don't) which made him break up with me.
They started going out (Jenna and Trent), but Trent is a person who when confronted with something he doesn't want to talk about, he just blows it off. He ended up just agreeing and going off with whatever Jenna said. He could have put a stop to it, but he decided to join them instead.
Basically this group HATES me, with Zakk's side and Trent's embarrassment.. yeah.
So again because I hate conflict, even after Jenna broke us up and everything, I dmmed her Instagram out of the nicest intentions. Because I can read people's double persona, I mean, I saw it the second I saw her- her home life is shit. She has such a low self esteem, depressed, etc,.
So I messaged her saying in a short sense, I understand what you're going through, I validate your feelings, and if you ever need to rant or call someone at 3am, I am ALWAYS here.
I proceeded to give her my phone number to show some action to my words.
It was a super late night, I was on medication that made me suicidal, I was in a bad place mentally...
My way to form bonds and connections with people is to share my personal information (which is stupid) but to kind of soften the tension, and show that they can be open too. I don't want pity, I want to impact them and let whoever feel comfortable talking to someone they can relate to.
So anyway, that night, I ended up telling Jenna EVERYTHING about my depression and suicidal thoughts (although it was medication speaking for me), I told her about my home life, etc,..
I thought that would kind of open her eyes a bit. No. Not. At. All.
Not only did she send that conversation to her friends, she also gave my phone number out to her friends to text me.
They made fun of my personal problems, threatened me, harassed me; it resulted to me having to change my phone number through the Sprint Carrier.
I had to delete all of my social media, and start all of it over using my middle name "Ashley". They know my name is Lauren, so they would look me up, find my account, and message me stuff. If I would block the account, they would make another, and another, and another.
Thinking about all of it seems juvenile like it shouldn't affect me... but I'm traumatized.
I loved my teachers and friends so much. Really.
But seeing that group stare, laugh, and mock me all lunch, or every time I pass them in the hall, raised my anxiety like you couldn't imagine.
The last couple of weeks at school, to walk around school, I shoved all my hair in a hoodie, blasted my ear buds, and walked as fast as I could.
I ate lunch alone at the tennis courts, and would just cry about how miserable and saddened I was for being so alone physically and mentally.
I eventually was so scared to even go to school, I took it up to the administration. I had screenshots of messages I have received but they didn't do anything. They called individuals from the group in one by one, and the conclusion for all of this torment was, "They don't want contact with you, and you don't want contact with them. If anything else happens we can have a group resolution contract."
... what???????
They make such an effort to hate me, they want contact, engagement, a reaction.
Trent yelled at me in the hallway saying, "SORRY FOR THE HARASSMENT!" then laughed and made fun of me with his friend.
I just broke. This kid that said he was in love with me, now making my life a living hell.
I called my mom in the hallway, no help. Dad didn't answer.
Keep in mind, I do NOT show any emotion publicly. I don't even cry at funerals.
I walked back to math and my teacher Ms. Saunders asked if I was okay and I said "nope" and asked to use the bathroom.
I locked myself in the furthest stall on the left side. I just balled.
I had so many thoughts go in and out of my head, of "how could me life come to this?"
My best friend, chemistry teacher Ms. Ognibene, I told her everything pretty much any time I had the chance.
When she saw me crying, she knew it was bad.
She ended up filing her own complaint because she was so livid there was no consequences for this group.

It's so easy for me to blow it over and "rise above" these close-minded teenagers, but I can't.

I go to church with Trent, and I haven't been back since he said what he said.
I have avoided 2 weeks of seminary, mutual, and 3 weeks of Sunday church.
Seeing him will bring such a disgusting, sticky, anxiety feeling of non-stop churn.
I will never be the same person.
I can't trust. I can't open up. I can't go by Lauren. I can't share personal information with people. I can't.. do anything.

I don't want to walk into seminary at 6:35am. I don't want to go into sacrament and see Trent and his family in the back row pew, far on the right side. I don't want to go to church anymore.

I still treat people nice, but I don't pray or do much of that anymore.
I'm scared of existing. I don't want anybody knowing where I am, what I'm up to, how my life is going.
I'm terrified of giving people, even my closest friends my phone number.
I'm terrified of friend requests on social media because I don't know if it's a fake account.

I have a YouTube channel, but Jenna knows what it is. I keep getting dislikes and comments from her friends.. I just thought 2019 would be different.
I see no future. I life day to day. I'm so tired. In every. single. way.

I transferred back to my old school, I start next week. And people have never seen the real version of me. Ever.
The me I am when I am alone at home.
I'm not going to adapt to others energies.
I'm not going to be a bystander in fear of getting made fun of.
I'm not going to say stuff to make people laugh.
I'm not going to do certain things so certain people will notice.
I'm not going to try to impress anybody.
I'm NOT going to share any personal information: that being to help or inform someone.
I'm not going to compromise my morals for other people's approval.
I'm not going to justify myself, to anybody.
I'm just going to be me.
I don't owe anyone an explanation.

I learned to love myself. And I do. Which is who I am in my head, or who I am when I'm alone.
I know my intentions, what I meant, what I was going to do- if people want to interpret that in a different way, okay? lol i couldn't care less.

I love everybody, but I will call people out if they are wrong. I'm not going to gossip. I'm not going to let anybody make someone feel less.

I am going to try to not be so sarcastic, but I WILL keep to these goals this time. I am going to keep to myself. And I will maintain my mystery in a world that everyone is overexposed.
Nobody can tell me who I am, because I for once love myself.