Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

To Blake:

A letter to my good friend Blake at Clovis North. Love you buddy.

MARCH 8, 2019
"Blake's table of contents was messy"
What's up streaks! Just kidding, hi Blake:)
I wanted to write you a little letter because 1) they are my "signature" move, and 2) because I want you to have this versus a text message. I know they all sound the same and you have heard me repeat the same stuff over and over, but oh well.
Me leaving is such old news, and it doesn't really matter anymore. Although for me when I go to school, I have to relive everyday disassociating because I can't accept the fact that I can't ever come back. Pondering about when I started, I came originally because I was unhappy. You could see how depressed I was by something as small as my facial expressions. Because I am so shy and have so much social anxiety, adapting to my surroundings and attempting to initiate social contact with other people nearly felt impossible. I think how dumb it is that something so little as talking to people is so hard for me. I can't fully wrap my head around this one. I feel like my brain just freezes if someone tries to make small talk with me. The best I can do is to nod my head or mumble couple of words. I become lightheaded, feel adrenaline rush and start to feel the need to run away. However, I don't think I ever told you that when you asked Ognibene who I was, came and sat down at table 9, and initiated a conversation with me was not only the keystone to making me feel visible, but was the start to a friendship that specifically has become an integral part of my heart that cannot ever be removed.
I am very quiet, but observe constantly. I can tell the difference between superficial and authentic in about 2 seconds of meeting someone. Yourself individually was and are one of a kind. Despite the fact you're only one year younger- you have very high intellect, maturity, and emotional compassion that many people do not possess as humble as you do. Meeting people and truly feeling comfortable around them is extremely rare for me, and I am lucky to say you are one of those people. You know how to laugh at yourself and be self reflective at the same time. You are a practical yet simultaneously analytical thinker who isn't afraid to speak out your ideas. You never compromise your moral standards for the ideology others believe in. I could go on for pages about simple traits that you withhold you probably didn't even know you had.
I remember as if it was yesterday, the soda can chem lab. I loved and cherished so much how we could take something so boring, and make it into something so fun to where everybody around us is laughing the entire time.
Being so proud of our video, I played it on the TV for my dad. He said he for the longest time has never seen me smile as big and laugh as much in my whole life, as much as I did in that 2 minute video.
I miss you so much. And every single day I sit in my 6th period English class knowing I should be in chem. I miss our group chats and melodramatic facial expressions towards each other from across the room.
I know slowly I began becoming more quiet and closed off to you and everybody else. Please know that it was never my intentions to hurt you or make our friendship gradually fade away.
On bad days, when I feel socially exhausted, it is really difficult just to get out of bed and bring myself to leave the house. I rather stay hungry at home than leave my house and go to the grocery store. It seems like a challenge that I cannot accept at the moment. Even if I can handle big crowds, I still feel weak around people at parties or family gatherings in which I have trouble maintaining conversations. I just stumble through a few awkward encounters before people uncomfortably excuse themselves to find someone else to talk to and I just end up standing around by myself, which makes me feel even worse. It was never that I didn't want to talk to you, or you were not perceived as worthy of my time- but it was the fact that slowly every day I broke just a little more. From one day to the next, my eyelids got lower, my facial expression lessened, more tears came out, and energy gradually dropped from my core.

Clovis West isn't any better- if anything it is worse. I find myself alone crying alone in solitude trying to figure out where everything went wrong. If I could come back, I would do it in a heartbeat. You told me once that "it takes a lot of guts to be here"- and I wish you would have told me that sooner. I love to prove people wrong, and I wish I could.

I don't want to make you read a novel, but be aware I think of you and our friendship everyday. Just because I may not text back or respond right away in no means is because I have moved on.

You are filled with potential you didn't even know you had. You are subconsciously one of the best human beings I have ever met. I love you so much and I hope you never forget me as I never will you.

"That's fatty..."
"That's cute..."

Lauren Ashley