Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Motivation is a fleeting emotion

June 20, 2019
1:31am-1:44am

Well here I am at 1:30am not knowing what to do with my life. Today is Anthony and my one month. I feel like now that I am out of school- like how I'm not doing senior year, I have no purpose left?? Like even though I got horrid grades, I think my answers left a mark on my teachers. I think it's the little things I did around campus... ya know?
I am not sure what I am going to do. I'm trying to avoid moving in with my dad and his new wife because... yeah. She's great don't get me wrong, but it's just not my cup of tea, and there isn't anything wrong with that.
I haven't talked much about my family in this because now if this was to be published, I wouldn't want them to read all of that. It's a really deep subject and I mean... it would only cause conflict.
I'm marrying Anthony in December and only my mom, therapist, and his parents know. Honestly? I'm terrified. I don't think it's any little girls dream to get married at 18. It's scary because I'm literally 18. I'm still dependent on my parents, I don't drive, I don't know how to do any "real world" stuff. I don't think I'm making a mistake though. I'm very open minded don't get me wrong- but I hate it when people say "if I were you, I would REALLY think this through". Like...??? All I do is think. I know it's because they "care" but, please don't question my thinking. I am the most qualified person to make my decisions.
Not much is going on. I really need to get my GED. I need to get my drivers license, I need to find a place to live, I have a wedding to plan... just a lot.
I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. When I'm with Anthony there's always "something". Either my dad getting upset with my curfew, us always having to be on the "look out" for something, never having a place to fall asleep- I just feel so restless.
To be quite honest we have sex a lot. It's so different compared to the experience I had with Cole. I do still identify as asexual, but the sex we have is really meaningful. I always used to think that "sex is just sex" - but it's reallyyyy not. Please take it from me, the person you have it with really does matter. When we had sex the first time, I wanted to not for some type of "physical pleasure", but I wanted to find a way to become closer to him. The emotional connection it brings between us has intensified by such drastic measures. I think my favorite part is after we finish. We just lay there and look into each other's eyes. I know he loves me because afterwards he always gives me a kiss on the forehead. I know this is the man I am supposed to be with. I love him.
I told him that I think what truly "defines" love is that when someone's happiness becomes more important than your own, and his does for me.

I don't know again, where I'm going in life- but I'm trying. I'm just trying to stay alive right now. I'll catch ya up later. Goodnight:,-)