Again I'm sorry this thing is all over the place, but this was back at North. I emailed my teachers before Christmas break andddd yeah. If anybody else goes through this, up top!
December 7, 2018
Dear Teachers,
I would like to start off yet again- by sharing how formally thankful I am for each and every one of you being so welcoming and patient with me through my transition over the last 3 1/2 months. You have all made the adaptive process much easier than it could/should have been. However, personally I believe setting high standards is for yourself, not so others will notice. We run the extra mile when it is optional, because it will better us personally. In what shape or form will running an extra mile benefit somebody else? The answer is that it won't. It shows a work ethic; and I believe a reputation of an overachieving work ethic, is the best recognition anybody could possibly receive- silence or social. Taking the standard ordinary and challenging it to the fullest of ability. Whether that be with people or school work.
I myself thrive on complexity. I love being able to take a blank piece of paper and make it into something interesting to look at.
I am not motivated extrinsically, but intrinsically. I am motivated by my own standards. Although, I think it's is obvious looking from September up to now, I have stopped caring about my work and turning things in on time.
I have reflected on my weaknesses and have done deep self analyzation. What I have really discovered is that I am lacking that "motivation" to start anything anymore. I want to do the work so bad and as soon as I start whatever it is that I am doing, I get into that "zone". What is even more overwhelming is having massive trouble even starting anything anymore. I feel that unless I change something soon, I will be in complete disbelief and resentment for not meeting my own goals. I do not seem to be studying even though I know all the reason to and all the negative outcomes. I feel horrible after taking tests and not studying. It is sickening to me seeing my zangle, knowing with a little effort- my grades would be higher. I humbly apologize if it is perceived I am not intrigued, lazy, don't care, or "know everything" that it's "not even worth my time".
For me individually, the desire to create a "perfect" project can reach a fevered pitch in high school when I want to intensify my need to get the best grades. Swept up in the frenzy of struggling, often I lose confidence in my own abilities. Although the academic work has gotten harder and more complex, I will still require myself to increase in effort. Unfortunately, my desire for perfect grades can get completely out of control, as when I become obsessed with making major modifications to inconsequential aspects of work. This type of procrastination- as we all have seen, results to endless requests for extensions. At this point- I am so drained, I gradually begin to live in a state of denial and avoidance, ignoring the fact that each extension may be accompanied by yet another penalty. This trio of perfectionism-obsessionalism-procrastination morphs into magical thinking: More extensions to create a perfect work product will ensure a higher (rather than lower) grade. It is so clear to me, but I just cannot act upon the logic, that is I may be attempting to turn in my best work and get good grades, but my perfectionism-obsessionalism-procrastination have the opposite effect: grades that are not commensurate with my true potential.
Perfectionism-obessionalism-procrastination, individually and together, also serves additional unconscious functions: creating struggles where none need to exist or acting to inhibit the overall development of my ethic by maintaining my focus on the minutiae of my project rather than on my input.
This alone, along with other factors- I have become so stressed, much of my body's energy is used to combat imminent danger, leaving an absolute zero for school.
My goal this semester is to maintain at least a 'C' in each class. I am not asking for any sympathy or extensions by this email. I would just like to inform I recognize your dedication to education and your commitment to instill in me the knowledge I need to succeed. I do know, I can continue to learn and grow under your guidance.
I humbly do apologize for my performance this semester. I truly will intend to thoroughly re-evaluate my systems and chronological day to day patterns to improve drastically second semester. I truly will try my best to follow up on them.
Thank you again, and I hope this was able to clear some things up.
Have a good weekend!
-Lauren Lambourne
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Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)
Non-FictionDear Reader, This journal is my own personal journal. As you read, you will come across letters, school work, essays, entries, photos, drawings, etc,. on how I, myself, experienced and saw the world. This is dedicated for those who seek what is...
