Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Post Breakup??:/

(Hugo is Anthony's friend, so Anthony asked me what I thought was going on with him)
Me: He's most likely constantly trying to move forward, and doesn't want to fall apart in the midst of the breakup. He might even attempt to pretend that the breakup does not face him. He's always trying to hold himself together, since he tries so hard to care for his loved ones. If he is the one ending the relationship he will likely feel sad about it, but might even feel like it is necessary to cut that person from his life. But it's the reality now that since he is the one being dumped, he just needs to wallow in his sadness for a few weeks before he can move forward. He will likely keep himself busy, in an attempt to remain distracted.

He feels things deeply and openly. When he is in love, he shouts it from the rooftops; when he has a break up, he expresses disappointment just the same way. He emotes to his best friends, co-workers, and parents - maybe even a few strangers - until he has resolved what happened in his own mind.

(Now this is Hugo and I texting each other)
Hugo: Look, I've been through hell and back. Anthony can tell you. He's been there and seen me. I've been exhausted for so long. I'm done fighting for the wrong people. I'm done crying. I'm done with everything trying to work.

Me: I get that you've been to "hell and back" because I have too. I get that you're intrinsically exhausted. I almost didn't date Anthony because I'm so tired emotionally, mentally, and physically. You said you're "done fighting for the wrong people"- well maybe it's because you keep meeting the same people in different bodies.
"Usually" and "should" are different.
Who you usually go for the one who gives you half as much as you give them. The one who you really really really like, but doesn't necessarily like you as much back. You believe in hard work when it comes to relationships, and you're determined to prove that you're faithful and trustworthy. This only works for as long as it takes for you to figure out that the reason the relationship seems to be at a plateau is because: your effort alone cannot keep the ship sailing.
Who you should go for the one who tries. Someone who acknowledges that passion is important, but understands that effort is what truly keeps people together. Someone who initiates as often as you do, and is willing to share every part of their life with you.
On the other hand, I always tell Anthony that "want" and "need" are two VERY different things. It's like when you go into a store, and your parents say "only get what you NEED, not what you WANT". I tell Anthony all the time that I want to be the best girlfriend possible. And I want him to allow me and to feel comfortable with me providing all of his needs AND wants.
What you want is someone who allows you to constantly put in the effort, because you enjoy pouring yourself into people without requiring much in return. Someone who lets you take care of them. Someone who lets you be their superhero.
What you need though is someone who isn't afraid to put in just as much effort as you do. Someone who is willing to open up to you without you have to pry it out of them. Someone who doesn't allow you to keep the whole weight of the world on your shoulders while allowing you to shine in the areas you are best at.
We are all searching for the one searching us. You might be searching for what you give- and that's the hardest part, finding a heart that matches your own. Perhaps the problem is not the intensity of your love, but the quality of the people you are loving. Attention isn't love. Just because someone desires you does not mean they value you. I think all of this is something to possibly reflect on.

Hugo: Yeah that's about it
I'm hopless about this stuff
It took me so long to find someone
And I love her
And now she's gone

Me: I understand all of that. You have a need to feel needed-and it draws you to unhealthy partners. There's nothing you want more than to watch the people you love thrive. However, this tendency causes you to gravitate towards people who need 'fixing.' You regularly find yourself investing in partners who take advantage of your giving nature (either knowingly or unknowingly)- and it leads to imbalanced relationships at best, dependent or failed ones at worst. You select significant others with future potential only, so breakups don't just include the loss of a present partner/ they also include the loss of a future together. That reality is the deepest cut for you. Your achilles heel is over-analyzing, which provokes your anxiety and ultimately leaves an emotional door to the past open. At some point, you need to choose to close the door. Remove her from social media, block numbers, unfollow on Instagram, and the like. It'll hurt to grieve that final loss, but you are at your best and most productive when you're decisive.

Hugo: But that's the thing
She did block me
On everything
And for some reason
I still love her

Me: Well maybe she's in the same boat you are, but took the "getting over" process faster than you did. You're always going to this that "this one's the one" until you find someone that possesses all of those same qualities and even new-higher qualities. The grass is always greener most of the time when it comes to relationships. All of the red flags you saw in the beginning, are most likely the reason this relationship ended. It's easy to blind yourself when you see the potential someone has to be or when you want something so bad you just block it out mentally. Dating someone shouldn't feel like an obligation- whatsoever. You're going to find someone that has no red flags and the relationship will just get better and better as each day goes by. All of your feelings and the emotions you're going through now are all valid. I'm not saying that you should "feel" a certain way because that's not how it works. Feel as you have to, think logically. Know, think, plan, do. And just try to get by. Don't wallow in the past. Don't pass up new potential partners because they aren't identical to the old one. Anything that's meant to be will somehow find your way back to you- if it doesn't, than something greater is in store. You just have to be patient

Hugo: Thank you
I really appriciate that
Gave me goosebumps

Me: I know... I felt the same way in my last breakup. All I did was cry because he dumped me for someone else and dated her right after. I'm pretty sure they were talking while we were dating. I was so heartbroken and didn't want anybody else in the moment. But then, I found Anthony. The best will come when you least expect it. When you aren't looking for anything. The wrong ones will find you at your best and leave you in tears. The right one will find you in tears and make you happy. I turned down Anthony 3 times, but now I plan on marrying him. You will find someone better. I promise you that even if it may not seem that way right now.

Hugo: But I want her?
I would do anything to get her back

Me: Make a pros and cons list

Me: What are the the cons

Hugo: She hated my friends
She didn't like me drinking a lot

Me: I think the friends thing is huge

Hugo: They aren't good people my friends
They have cheated on their girls before
And she didn't like that
But I lied
Like a lot
About the smallest things
And I put her through a lot
But I didn't wanna lose her like that