Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

A Walking Paradox (rant)

April 22, 2019
11:36am- 12:41

I don't feel good. Like I don't know if I am just mimicking symptoms because I am so worried, but it's getting really bad.
I met up with my friend Jace and told him about kinda what happened. We ended up going to CVS to get a Plan B- it was $40.... for one pill... anyways.
I just don't feel any different. I don't feel normal.
I have every symptom of an early pregnancy and I mean... I'm never gonna tell Cole. I honestly ugh.
He took an interest in me, got me to open up and trust him, invited me to this Long Beach trip, lied to me about nearly everything, had me go through the nagging process and had me lie to my parents and therapist, didn't talk to me the entire 4 hour car ride, within the first 30 minutes he had sex with me, then said he just wants to be friends, then didn't talk to me the ENTIRE day, then texts me he didn't want to have sex anyways and a fake apology, and then boom- friendship over.

I am so bored with my life. And I don't know how to fix it. It's not about "going outside" and meeting new people. I hate my life. I hate that people keep screwing me over, and how my family thinks everything I say is bullshit. I hate going to school. I hate coming back to this filthy apartment that is never clean unless I do it. I hate everything.
I just want to run away to somewhere nobody knows me. I hate that my reputation is a piece of shit that's based on lies that people truly believe are facts. I hate that Zakk and Trent's friends won't leave me alone even AFTER I left their school.
I just ???? I hate my life.
I have nowhere to go and nobody to count on that doesn't drain me. I am so emotionally and mentally scarred of dating because of what happens. I am also scared of ever having sex or doing something sexual again because I feel literally nothing. I just lay there, while they do whatever pleases them.
I hate that my mom left and became a completely different person. I hate that my sister thinks "everybody" is oblivious to her depression and whatever but when I bring it up she denies it. I hate that everything I do ends up not going how I wanted it to in my head.
I literally drain myself just being who I am. I never stop thinking. It's 24/7. I feel so restless.
I want a break. I can't help but just want to sleep. I have no energy to do anything as much as I would want to. I don't want to do this cleaning/organizing business, I don't want to house sit while couples are on missions, I don't want my GED, it sounds like I don't even want life.

I do, but I hate the world we live in. I hate that technology is taking over EVERYTHING. I hate that people follow trends. I hate egos and how nothing is consistent. I hate the music we have. I hate how everything feels like an obligation.
I'm sick of my aunt breaking apart our family and then weeks later try to rekindle it- and then is hurt or sees it as "rude" for cutting her out of our lives. I hate the people I go to school with. They all told me to come back to west and then don't even notice my existence.
I am so FUCKING tired. Of everything. Of living, of talking, of being around the same people, of putting trust in other people to only watch them shatter it again.
It's not a game of "I could of had it worse". I am so SICK of everybody COMPARING lives. Of comparing income, clothes, shelter, hardships, trials. what's the fucking point??????
I hate everything and I hate this earth. I have no idea how to fix it because nobody fucking cares and I have absolutely zero power over anything or anyone.
I am a complete joke in my town. I'm invisible at school. I'm a walking paradox and am just invalidated in my own home. I'm trapped in my own head.

I need so much money and it's not about "saving it wisely" or "getting a job". I want to build my own house or fix up an old abandoned mansion. I want to literally renovate the whole thing. Furnish and everything. I want to be alone but I also don't mind having a family. I wouldn't mind having a husband and 3 kids. I don't want to go through with it though if it's not what I plan it to be in my head. Everything I REALLY want, I can't have. We just can't afford it.
I want a huge suburban house. I want to be the "host" house that has the huge dining table that the whole family comes for holidays and gatherings. I want our house to be the one people at church ask to use to throw huge parties. I want my house to be the one my kids friends always want to come over to to hangout and have sleepovers. I want the backyard to be HUGE. I want a huge bar area with a flat screen, couches, fire pit, and a barbecue for my husband and all of our friends to come and watch games. I want an enormous pool so my kids and have huge parties in the summer. I want a lot of green grass to run around and play with my dogs. I want a swing set, trampoline, hot tub, and basketball court.
I don't want to ever have to worry about money. I want my kids and my family to be the ones that just "have all the money in the world". We support all the school functions and can pitch in $500 to a church event.
We are the ones that bring all of the chairs and stuff to social events.
I want a cabin so bad. I want our family to go boating on the lake, fish, go tubing, and where all of my kids friends come up to on winter breaks or whatever. I want them to throw parties up there, and my kids mess around on tight ropes and have s'mores.
I just want a "traditional" family life because it's something I never had. In no way am I saying I am ungrateful, I love my family. But I always saw the kids that had it. I've experienced it and it's all I've ever wanted for an extremely long time.
I want to be a stay home mom that cleans, brings the lunches when my kids forget, go shopping and buy my house things, go grocery shopping, and bring dinners to other people I know.
I wouldn't let my kids have iPads or iPhones. No way. I want the country life in a way.