Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

XXXX-XXXX

March 1, 2019
10:09am-11:13am

A couple of days ago I went to a family friend Tammy Toomerś funeral. The Toomer's are my dad's childhood friends. When I got there, I saw people that ¨supposedly¨ knew me from when I was just a baby... i had no idea who they were though. However, being around my grandparents, the Toomer family- it had a good energy, even though everybody was together only for a funeral. As I sat in the chapel, listening to all 4 brother's speak: (Chris, Shawn, Jeff, ...) I realized nothing else mattered in that exact moment and setting. Although I had a chem test in 2 days which I did not plan on studying for, all the fights between me and my family/friends, drama, worrying about school- all of it felt irrelevant. Everybody came to celebrate the life of a woman who impacted many by simply being herself. They named all her small characteristics like how she loved anything red, baked cakes, made quilts, has candy in every drawer of the house, etc,. It's funny how as life goes on, people pick up your interests and what quirks make up who you are. I put together that our whole life is represented by a hyphen. (-). 2001-2XXX. That one little line represents my entire life. People always talk about how they want success, wealth, that what nobody is understanding is that none of that goes with you. Life has no meaning. Your ¨purpose¨ is what you believe it is. When you die, you don't leave anything for people to remember you. The only thing you leave behind is the impact you had on people. Who you really are is defined on how you make others feel about themselves. At a funeral, speakers don't give eulogies talking about how much you made in income, and how superior you were. They talk about how you treated and inspired others. Who you are. We live and we die. I don't want to believe that failing math 2 as a junior is going to define my intelligence and work ethic. I don't want to believe that you need a high school diploma to become ¨successful¨. I know people say an education is the most important thing someone could have, and it's not that I don't want to put the time and effort in, it's that classes and busy work isn't what I value. I used to have this drive to do amazing in school and put in 100%, but what about after that? Go to college for 4 years and sit behind a desk for the next 30? That is the complete opposite of what I would ever want to imagine. Nobody at your funeral will talk about your GPA, your SAT/ACT score, your class that you had to retake- none of it even matters. If something is bothering you, you shouldn't sit back and complain about it. There is always an excuse. There is always a story. There are reasons for everything- but that doesn't mean all reasons are reasonable. At the moment, I have no motivation whatsoever, I sit alone 95% of the time, I don't talk to anybody, I have no friends I would feel comfortable asking to hangout with outside of school, I have too much social anxiety to even try to fix that, can't work because anxiety, I don't have my license yet and I am 17 ½, I live in an everlasting thought of regret- the list is endless. A little logic has a solution to all of that, and it is not that I am too comfortable where I am I fear change, I just don't know what would change. Even if I am on a spiritual high, reaching out to others- life is whatever. If I keep to myself, pray here and there, think about others and don't act on it- still the same. I feel at times my presence is a waste of space. I don't even talk... but I mean I don't know ¾ the kids at my school, what am I supposed to talk about? I go through the same repetitive cycle of school 5 days a week, have insomnia and never sleep, barely eat because nothing sounds appetizing. I come home after school and sit around for hours doing nothing. I don't want my life to be like this. I want to enjoy it but nobody really cares anyway sooo what is the use? The only real way I have ¨impacted¨ people from what I have heard and experienced is when I give a talk or write letters. I cut the BS, am blunt, and say what people don't have the guts to say. In church I don't stand up on the podem and speak about how life is great and "even though there's ups & downs" God is always with me. I go up and say the truth. You doubt your faith here and there, life kind of sucks, nobody owes you anything, etc.
on the other hand, letters wise, I observe a lot, so I pick up small details and patterns people subconsciously don't know they're doing or don't even know they have. So on paper when I give a novel to someone who doesn't even think I know their first name, it means something. I remember I gave one to Ms. Saunders (Clovis North math teacher) and it was a day things were going bad on my end. She was tired and kind of got mad at me for not having my homework done- little did she know that when I left early, I had my friend give her a letter with it titled, "I am sorry my homework wasn't done". Saunders ended up calling the office to see if I was still at school because she wanted to talk to me. I came back and she had been crying a little, and she went on to tell me how bad she felt she got upset with me and then I gave her a letter saying wonderful things about her. It didn't bother me, life's rough. But Ms. Saunders is definitely someone I have a specific place in my heart for. I always and still do see her more as my friend than I do teacher. I think about her often and wish I would interact more with her, but I can't.
Anyways- the only way I think I could make a huge impact in society, lives of millions, and have a stable income all without schooling and education is writing. Maybe a book? I have a few ideas. My other teacher Mrs. Alvarado (Clovis North english teacher) said the way I approach in an argument is just extremely well. She said I will thrive. Her eyes lit up when she said that, and I believe her because she is a tough critic.
I am not going to be some entrepreneur that runs a business or a person who gets involved and reforms the entire education system, I want to be huge and known everywhere for how different I was and how my energy was weird.
I think because I am so young but mentally so old, I could thrive in writing. I don't want to go to school though. Kind of like the entire point of this book itself. Raw, grammar kinda sucks but it's relatable, and where you can really see a person evolve.
You can't watch a person grow through photographs. Videos are okay... but I think it's when you have someone's thoughts written in words, and you see how slowly their views change, how a situation was resolved, what they lacked but now have a lot of.
I think mine definitely shows a real mess of a life, a shitty-outcast teenager that lashes out in writing, and none of its fake... that sounds cliche but..
Like okay. You can make a movie or write a fictional book about this, but this is a journal so it's cooler. I have always thought published journals like Rachel Joy Scott and Anne Frank had theirs published.
It's like someone you know your whole life, when they die, then you read their journal to only find out things nobody knew but themselves and God. It's like a completely different person nobody ever met.
I definitely think this journal could take off... I hope.. I wouldn't want any of it edited though, because that would ruin the whole thing.
I think my journal could impact millions.
Right now I am searching and worrying about what I am going to do, to maybe only find out I was doing it this whole time. I dunno.
I think it would be cool and intoxicating to read my journal as one of my teachers. To see every thought about a kid that sits in the corner of a room, does her work, and never talks to anyone. Then to only find out there is this whole other side of passion an urge .
Guess we will see.