Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

I'm sitting in a chair dying

March 24, 2019
4:41pm - 5:03pm
I dunno.. I'm on a rant right now.
I have so many things I want to say, but I have no idea where to even start.
I have so many projects I want to start and feel like I'm in a rush but I just can't choose which one.
I want to start my cleaning business, want get out of school, make my homework nice for no reason, type up my day on the green speech, email my North teachers, clean my room, reorganize the house, write people letters, clean the back yard, do some self care, create this journal... I am all over the place.
I was thinking today about complexity. I thrive off complexity. You can ask anyone in my family and they will tell you I have my own way of doing things which is true. I have an "all or nothing" mindset. I care about what I care about. I will put 110% into a project and finish it, or I won't even bother thinking hypothetically what I would do. Like cleaning, I either make everything a mess or make sure everything is right in its place.
My dad has always said to me that "I make everything harder than it needs to be"- correct. I choose to go the hard way though.
I was talking to Jack the other day about my Thoreau homework (it's in here it's the Where I lived responses) and he was saying he gets an (A) with 3 sentences. I know I will get the same score writing a novel versus doing the bare minimum - but deep down I think the small simple things like that show people who I really am. I either do my over do my work or don't do it all.
I know everybody says to find a "happy medium"- but that never made much sense to me. I would be doing something and be uncomfortable because I would know deep down I could be putting in more effort. Or say if it was something I don't want to do, if I do it have aced - then ??? But still, I don't like that. When it comes to my romantic relationships, friendships, homework, projects - I'm either all in or I'm all out. People always say "if you aren't giving it your 100% then what are you doing??? Think about what your thinking about, when you're not giving it your all". If that is so, then why is overdoing it seen as "extra"? But not even trying is seen as "lazy"? People gotta work on what they mean. I hate when people beat around the bush. Just be blunt and honest for crying out loud. The truth is the truth at the end of the day, stop trying to make these secret connections and expect people to understand them.
Another thing is that I don't lie. Never. Even if I am in the wrong, I would never try to cover up my own fault. I think certain people can be so perceptive in a good way, to where they can blame others for their own faults, by perceiving others mistakes to create their own wrong doing.
I think it's extremely important people be aware and own up to it when they are in the wrong- but I also think it is important that people know when they are in the right.
People like myself, I hate conflict. I cannot stand it. It makes me so distressed and I just nope.
I am used to be such a people pleaser and I am pretty impatient so it led to where in order to rekindle a friendship or resolve some fight- even when it was the other person's fault- I would make it seem as if I overreacted and I would end up apologizing just to move on.
I remember in the 3rd grade on a Friday someone opened up this kid named Daniels toy snake, and nobody would take responsibility for it.
We were having a party but we all had to put our heads down and be silent until the person who did it owned up to it.
I remember thinking I wanted to say, "can I just take the blame for it so everyone else doesn't have to suffer the punishment?" But Megan Gonzales beat me to it.
It's crucial that you don't make other people's mistakes your own. Gradually it'll make you automatically assume everything is your fault.
Like I say I am sorry a lot for stupid things, but if I were hit in a car crash and the first thing I said is "I'm sorry" then automatically I take full responsibility for something I didn't even do.
Know when you're wrong, but also know when you're right; don't be so impatient to resolve a problem to where you end up just hurting yourself.