Inside an Enigma (Youth Years)

Back to February

February 20
8:10am-9:27am

I am just thinking out loud. I don't know how I became so broken. I take full responsibility for my own decisions, but a part of me doesn't see or understand how it all ended- unraveling to this. I am frustrated with myself because I just want to start over- but I can't. I know it's all within oneself, but I don't want all of the rumors. Assumptions, drama, tension of energy between certain people. So much unnecessary conflict has happened and I know that's life, but I don't want my life to be an original, traditional-average life. I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I just had such a good future ahead and I screwed it up. I was supposed to be this star water polo player at Clovis West, but I left to Nevada. My whole schooling and credits have become so messed up to where I am in credit recovery classes. I have transferred from school to school- making it nearly impossible to catch-up and get on top of my work.
I am so drained emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I get these spiritual highs during the summer, and life is oh so great- but then I get back into reality and one thing laps another and I sink.
It isn't because I am lazy, but I do not want to go to school. I don't want to go to college. I have no idea what I'm doing. People say I am only 17, focus on school, and it will come to me- I do not believe that though. I can't understand why. I am probably one of the best over-thinkers. I think of a situation from every angle, perspective. I can see various outcomes- and none of them seem appealing.
It isn't that I think school is stupid because I don't- but for me it just is not a good fit.
I have this adrenaline that runs in my veins 24/7 like I have something to do, but I can't figure out what it is.
When I help give service or extend my words to people, I end up looking like a psychopath and everything gets extremely awkward.
I have an undying urge and curiosity to know what God wants me to accomplish- but nothing as small as an epiphany comes to mind. I pray about it, open-heartedly but still nothing.
I have felt so many emotions and have had so many thoughts throughout my life. I act on some, not all- but I still feel I am missing something.
Bishop Logan Lawrence once told me that once I gain confidence in myself- that is when I am going to really thrive and people will start hearing my name, but I have gained true confidence inside and out and I am still here- nothing but another human being roaming around.
I have always known I was a little different to those around me. My mindset was and is always completely somewhere else compared to those around me. It's not the typical, "everybody thinks in their own way".
I have always had different intentions, motives, principles...
The things everybody hates about me, are the exact things I love about myself.
I tend to get distressed due to the fact that nobody can see who I am on the inside, despite how hard I try to show it in my actions. The assumptions and rumors always take over leaving my name and reputation in utter disgust and revile.
I cannot get upset at people for their wrong doings to me or somebody else because I understand the wounds they have that need to be healed. I acknowledge that people have their own story that needs to be told.
When people say hurtful things to me- they do hurt, and they are painful. I want to be angry and set a boundary for myself but I am just unable to. In a world full of such hatred- everybody is seeking the same thing which is companionship. I try my best to not use my words to offend or attack somebody, but if I wanted to- I could verbally destroy someone because their weaknesses are so clear and visible to me. But why would anyone want to do that?
When I point out something to someone, it is usually what they try to repress about themselves, and they grow resentment towards me because of that. I don't do that to cause someone pain... When someone makes tries to make me feel bad about a mistake I made- I just hate that because I have already recognized it. I tear myself apart over it. I would never purposely make someone else go through that. It is just that if I am doing something wrong, I would want to be told so I can fix it.
What makes me upset is that nobody can see me. Physically of course, but not intrinsically. Like my dad and sister, they think they know me more than I know myself. They think I try to manipulate and go behind their backs and I am not.. I sometimes give more than I have- and I wear myself out. But I think the reason they don't see me is because it is already too biased. They don't see or know what I do outside of the house, and that's when I am the most authentic.
I think the reason I have such a connection with teachers are because they can see my inside on the outside. They know when a student is being manipulative, lying vice versa. I show my true self to my teachers although I try to hide my emotions. They can see me and that is why I have such a concrete part in my heart just for them.
When I think of my Clovis North teachers and advisors it creates ache, tears and so much pain in my body physically. I want to go back to Clovis North but it is too late. I like that I am not being bullied anymore, but I just wish I could have seen the whole playing field before I left.
I miss them so much and they were the keystone to my love for life and school. They were not just teachers, but my first group of friends which I have never experienced before.
My sister had 3 friends all the way from middle school to even college, and I am unable to maintain 1 friendship longer than 3 months.
My teachers and friends at North were unlike any people I have ever met. They made me enjoy waking up and they even made the boring things fun and not seem so bad.
Even after I left, they have even more open arms. They still give me advice. They help me with my homework. They answer my texts and emails. They still give me hope and love even when I think I can't have it anymore.
I dissociate so much in school at Clovis West. I disassociate the setting of my classroom, where I am sitting. I just want to go back. And that is partly why I am so upset. I keep making decisions and wanting to go back. I don't want to keep living and looking back at my life wanting to change things. I think about the things I would change every second of every day. Every decision I would have not made, the people I would have avoided, moments I would have took advantage of more.
I am so focused and always planning for what's next- to where I forget about what's happening now. I keep rushing things, and wanting things to go faster.
When you watch a slideshow of a summer camp, even if it was boring, when you watch the video you realize how much fun you had. And I keep doing that. I keep watching this slideshow of my life and small encounters I have had with my friends, and I just want to go back. It all goes by so quickly.
I want to be able and go back to middle school when I was a star in the pool scoring 11 goals a game. I want to go back to every time I was scared to do something and held myself back and do it.
When I write I become so intune to this vision I have of what my life could be, that I end up hurting myself when I snap back into reality. Reality isn't for me. Everybody would probably say reality isn't for them.
I don't see a future for myself. Slowly everyday it gets blurry. I don't see myself graduating high school, getting married, all of the traditional stuff.
I don't know.
I have so many thoughts to where it creates an exhaustion so exhausting I shut everything off. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what God wants from me. I don't know why I make the decisions I make. I don't know why I keep leaving people I love. I don't know why every part of me is misunderstood to half of society. I don't understand why I am so different.
I observe so much. Nonstop of observing my surroundings and picking up things subconsciously. I have this extroverted feeling to where i can understand anybody else's feelings and where they went wrong, but I can't figure it out on myself.
I see everybody's perception, and I just want to be seen for who I really am.
I feel like I am being held back in the dark. I am so trapped in my own head.
I don't know how to reach out any further than I have already. I have learned time after time nobody wants my insight, advice, opinions, thoughts; so I stopped giving them.
I just want to know when my life will start.
When will people be able to see me? I feel like I am living but I don't actually exist. I am here and a guide for when people are in need of an escape from darkness to light- but when they reach that light, I am free to go.
I don't mind taking the time to help people. I don't understand however why I can give but cannot take my own advice. How can I expect someone to listen and act on my advice if I can't even do it myself? I just am such a broken person. I have hope for others, but none for myself.
I am so tired of my mind and these nudges in my stomach telling me to go help someone. I just can't comprehend how I am going to benefit from any of it.
When something goes wrong in my life, I feel like I took a wrong turn. I constantly get this image in my head of a road with everything that's happening, and if I follow through for one second- then I turn and the rewards and blessings come into play. However, I keep missing the turns.
I just want a new life. I want to start it all over completely. Where nobody knows me and I don't know anybody else.
I feel so helpless in where only I really can understand my own head.
I just want to breathe for a sec. I am always doing something, even when I am doing nothing. I just want to disappear for a while. Not forever, but just to recharge. I always think if I put God and the church first my life will get better and start to make sense, but it either doesn't do anything or gets worse. I am not sure.
I am relatively a quiet and reserved person as I have gotten older, but for me to feel "alive" again- something major would have to impact me in the right spot completely unexpected.
In no means am I saying I am perfect and or am trying to sound as if I am superior, but I would really like to know what my life purpose is and where the hell I am actually going.
It isn't college, I won't work a traditional job, and I won't be in school much longer.
I want to touch the lives of millions- but I have absolutely no idea how.