My Secret Guardian // song minho (#19)

Chapter 51

Miwon

"And you are to be blamed for everything, you were a curse in my perfectly planned life." I regretted it as soon as I said it, I shouldn't have even said that and I did it. And Song Minho heard it clearly through my words directly, he is definitely hurt from it and that was my objective.

I wanted him to leave me alone and move onto a better life without me, him being here and being my friend is not going to help him and me, it is better that he stops talking to me and ignore me for the rest of his life, find a better girl than me and marry that girl, live with her and have a few adorable babies.

I feel like I am then the curse in his perfectly planned life, his life is not exactly that well-planned out but at least he knows what he was doing with his life before he met me. He had a role to play and he was comfortable with being a gangster and the bad things that come along with it. I was the one who came into his life out of the blue and then attempted to change his life around without even knowing, it is like how the female lead in a k-drama is like, naive and innocent but she somehow makes the most hated guy on the planet fall in love with her charms and he then changes his life around to suit her.

It really happened like that and he quitted that gangster life that he was being so comfortable with and became someone that isn't really him, he became so mature and toned down that makes him look normal to the rest of the world and that is what makes him a different person, in order to suit me who is a very ordinary person who doesn't know how to even love herself and he tries to help me learn how to love myself.

It sounded like a fairytale but it is really not, we are not meant to be and even though he could actually help me learn how to love myself, it doesn't mean that I would love myself so quickly. It takes time and time makes everything so precious, I am clearly not loving myself no matter how hard he tries and he is wasting time doing something that he should've given up on a long time ago.

He first said it to me when we were still in high school and he brought me out of school because I asked him to, I was literally shocked when I first heard those words come out of his mouth. I immediately knew that it was impossible for someone like me who has the lack of love to be able to love myself and he wants to help me achieve that, I knew that no matter how hard I try, I can't love myself because of the family that I had and I hated my family.

I still hated them even now and I wished that everyone would ignore me like how they have always done, at least I know that they wouldn't bother me and try to give me false hope that I shouldn't even be hoping for. I will continue to live the life that I always had and don't bother anyone else at all, no one gets hurt other than that and that is for the best.

Class for today is over and I looked at everyone who has left the lecture theatre except for one person - Song Minho, he is still packing his things and stuffing it in his backpack. He didn't look at me once which I was thankful for, at least he didn't try to look at me and want to be close to me again.

But one part of me is aching because it has been so long since I have seen that side of Song Minho, the indifferent him that doesn't care about anyone but himself and I wished that he was still nice to me and ignoring my words that I had said to him back in the hospital. He leaves the lecture theatre in silence, most likely going to work at his new workplace, he had quitted that café part-time job a while ago because of Nam Daehwan and he had to go back to the old part-time job that he did way back in high school.

The pay is high but the hours are hectic and tiring, they would have to move around a lot and it is unbearable for a lot of people who are new to the job but he has worked there for a long time and plus his personality is a perfect fit for the job. And at that workplace, he stopped me from ending my life and giving me a second chance to live my life differently but I threw away that chance and continued to live the life that I always had. He was trying hard to live a normal life while I tried every chance to end it, that is why he has always been so stubborn with living and not wanting to give up on his life at all. I was the one who was throwing my life away just like that, and honestly, it would have been better if I left the world during that time, at least I wouldn't be hurting so much now.

Without even realizing, the wheelchair had brought me to that familiar place and I have been tailing Song Minho all the way, I was only lucky that he didn't find out that I was following him the whole time. He didn't have the time to actually worry about something because he was late for his shift, the class had ended later than expected and he is going to get a scolding from the manager.

I entered the lobby and it was the same exact interior like back then, the whole place stayed the same just as three years ago, I was feeling nostalgic over everything but it is not the time to get emotional. I am just going to stay around for a little bit and wait for Song Minho to start his shift and then I will leave quietly without him finding out that I tailed him from behind.

"Na Miwon, what are you doing here for?" And clearly, that wheelchair that I am stuck in is an eyesore and it stands out a lot, to the point that Song Minho knows that it is me.