Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 15

Lately i've been moody, hungry and afraid. Must be the meds, plus my predisposition. A few psychotic episodes will do the trick alright, scattered over the last ten years. At least i'm not battling depression, this is a happy journal. A fighter's journal, hopefully a winner's.

My goal these days is to lose weight and gain a friend out of my frustration. That's what my therapist says. Grow my patience muscles and get out of this addiction cycle. For that i should first observe my cravings/withdrawal/frustration, and become acquainted with it. Write it down, he said.

That's why this diary will also contain bits of my "frustration diary", where i write about my withdrawal and what i do about it. I have 4 bad habits: food, coffee, cigarettes and pornography. I also suspect i'm addicted to the feeling of anticipation, and maybe even stress itself, the adrenaline of the fight/flight instinct.

What i do to ease myself out of these bad habits and have some control: for my excessive food eating, i have an app that counts my calories and exercise. With this app, for the first time in a few years, i feel like i have control. There are measurable consequences to my eating, and that puts me at ease, i don't feel guilty for eating anymore. As for the cigarettes, i smoke just three puffs at a time and then put it out for later usage. Usage, what a funny sounding word :)

Enough about my pathology, let's cover a basic summary of the good side too. Although i wouldn't call it - the last two paragraphs - all that bad. All in all, my life is very blessed, i feel, plus there've been good things that have come out of my episodes, addiction and all that entails. The most beautiful and full of perspective way to look at it is that it made me who i am today, and it lead to the choices that i made. Choices that brought me next to my beloved Baby Love, the love of my life, someone absolutely perfect just for me. We live together and it's heaven.

Then there's my family, who have always been there for me and helped me and are still helping me any way they know how, financially, emotionally, they even took up therapy themselves to better understand my needs when the going was rockier a few years ago. "In my dire time of need!" said I just, under my breath, with a dramatic accent.

I woke up in a good mood, even though coming to the kitchen made me feel a bit stuck to my chair. Must be memories from yesterday, which was a bit hard, and i spent most of it in the kitchen writing. You see, this diary is a continuation of my regular diary, which i started again a few weeks ago with this new keyboard i got. I have a pretty sweet set-up for writing. I got my birthday present in advance, this wonderful Magic Keyboard that i pair up to my phone. I have a crude, efficient stand for my phone, fashioned by my Baby Love from a piece of thick cardboard, and i can take this writing station anywhere. It's very portable, even more so than a laptop. The keyboard is bliss, perfect for me.

Working for one of Baby Love's Etsy shops, i rediscovered the pleasure in typing, a feeling i lost for many years after my teens spent coding on the computer. I honestly never had a better keyboard, it's absolutely inviting and .. very sexy as a device. It cost a pretty penny too, but it was absolutely worth it.

Thoughts of going to the living room to write, but i'll just stay here where the cigarettes are. I only smoke in the kitchen, except when Baby Love is cleaning, when i take everything into the bedroom and she confines me there. She's asleep now, bless her soul. Very loving most of the time, but she has her moods as well, and cleaning gets her into the zone big-time.

PMS is usually when she gets her moods. She told me about them when we first met, said that i should be very comfortable around her in these moments. Which i wasn't at first, mostly because they came suddenly. I made the mistake of trying to make her admit she has a State when she happens to have it. That's what we call it, State. It took me awhile to understand that her States.. it's just on the outside, inside it's the same Baby Love, just doesn't feel like speaking, and isn't affectionate.