Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 15 Friday

I have like a mixed morning. The good is that i wrote just over 3000 words yesterday, which is a record for me, if i was counting quantity as a Key Performance Indicator. The bad news is that i gained about 4 pounds since last week's weighing. It was all the Chinese food i ate yesterday. We managed to finish everything. It was far better hot than cold, even the rice. Only the desert stayed the same amount of good.

3 thousand words. I must really have been at it yesterday.

[..] the cat is sitting in my lap - oh, there he goes, that was short-lived. To type with one hand because the cat is sitting in your lap and you don't want to disturb it, what a caprice. That's when you know you're really into something, you start mixing it with other things. I wonder how much of this  preponderence to write is the writing and how much is the actual activity of typing on this keyboard. I wouldn't go so far as to say the keyboard is alive, but it's a great instrument, a magnificent tool for it's job. So reliable, so predictable. So dependable.

[..] i looked out the window and saw three cleaning people walking together in line on the street, side by side. It must feel pretty good, they weren't even using the sidewalk, mostly because the street they were on doesn't have a sidewalk. Whenever three people are walking side by side, they must feel top of the world, taking that much space. But cleaning people, i mean you can't help but feel that you own the streets when you're out there in the morning cleaning every day. In a way, they do own the street, at least more than the people at city hall, right? In principle? They take care of the thing, nurture it for everybody else to enjoy without thinking about it. That's a pretty luxurious way to enjoy something, without thinking about it. To take it for granted.

I want to ask my therapist something. If addiction is a disease, isn't there some kind of medication? You take a pill every day, and you don't have any cravings. But would you want a life with no cravings? If i crave coffee at 4 in the afternoon, i make another coffee, sweetened this time, and it's a bit of a celebration, a pampering. But them you would have to quit the pill. I think it would be a paradox to make a pill that fights addiction and the pill to not be addictive or bad for you in any way. Just vitamin C, you take vitamin C and you don't have to smoke. Then after a month you stop taking it and you're done. I'm sure there is a pill, but i wonder what the parameters of this pill are.

It's getting warm again, and it's only 10am. I hope i'll make it through the day with a shirt on. I won't tell you how many degrees there are, lest you figure out the longitude of our dwelling.

[..] i'm interested in a way to listen to all the music in the world on shuffle. A radio encompassing everything, a playlist of some sort. There are websites that randomize youtube videos, i tried it once, it's pretty nice. There's even an option to play only videos with less than 100 views. I think i'll try it right now.

[..] i've been watching some dance videos and they all try to elicit some intensity, that mostly seems fake. And even if- it seems fake because all these intensities look the same, while real people display their intense emotions differently. It's all the same cliches in these dance videos i'm watching, all that shaking and moving slowly and stretching the moment for as long as it can be stretched. It becomes unbearable to watch, i have to skip forward. Why won't they showcase just natural movement, like 90% of the humans move? Probably because it's supposed to be different than how 90% of the people move, as someone would say, "otherwise you would just watch those 90% and not dancers". The thing is, even in that vast majority, everyone is different. Some people i would watch for hours, well not for hours, for half an hour let's say, others i want to forget i ever glimpsed three seconds of walking or whatever normal people do. They're all different. Everyone should just showcase their own natural movement, and try to become a better person on the inside so that their natural movement changes subtly and people would like to watch it intently and derive conclusions and extract information from it. At least that's how i feel right now. I'm way closer to the "just move / stillness" black or white delimitation, without all the philosophy and all that heavy obnoxious stuffing. Blech! I hope i never grow out of this mindset.