Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 18 Tuesday

Left another note for Baby Love to find. I can't say what is written inside, in case she reads this before finding the note.

Woke up feeling good. Sneezed a few times, but i hope the small cold i caught will not stick.

Today, after reading yesterday's entry, Baby Love didn't want to say anything. My insecurities, or who knows what, got the best of me and i pressured her into confessing her opinion and giving me feedback. She said she liked it, with the exception of the long paragraphs, but didn't feel like saying anything. She said it was deeper than my other entries, and not so easy to read.

On one hand i'm just starting out with my writing and would welcome a second opinion. If i cared about anyone's feedback, it would be hers since she's my most important reader, from where i stand. On the other hand, i think i would prefer to let my writing style grow without me telling myself what to do and what not.

I played my instrument a bit this morning and i think i'm refining my technique for the concert. I played my part a bit faster and i didn't tense up.

Still have my daily walk to go on, but don't feel like it at the moment. In fact, i don't feel much like writing either, i think i'm going to put on some music and do some mind/body practice. I feel a little tired, maybe it's this small cold coming on. God, each word feels wrong, i better stop.

[..] i lay down and the feeling hasn't subsided. Even breathing consciously doesn't feel satisfying. I don't feel like doing anything but i'm a little bit in the mood for everything. Is this a form of boredom? I don't think so. I never get bored.

I decided to keep writing, explore this State by talking to myself and to you about it. Where is that clarity i mentioned yesterday? I guess it's just a mood. Maybe it's because i should go for a walk and instead kept myself from doing it? I feel like stretching. Like my muscles want to be used. And not the creative muscles.

I guess it's ok to do nothing from time to time. Not even focus for meditation. Ugh, writing is so arduous in this state. I told my Baby Love about it and she reckons it's her fault. Always suspects herself, these hunches stemming perhaps from her fear that i may be fed up with her presence at some point in the future. Probably asking herself "has that time come?". It's not her for sure.

I had decided to go for a walk when she goes out to mail something. I think this is it. The impending outing, not accomplished. It looms over me and renders frustrating all other activities. Now that i have this hypothesis, i'm for sure not going out right now. My curiosity is sparked, i want to explore this further. But alas, writing has once again begun to work, the words and phrasing feel right. I wish it had lasted longer so that i could observe it more, this State. Since i'm not used to postponing activities- what am i saying? I'm an expert at postponing activities! But usually it doesn't feel this way, does it?

I think it does though. Usually there's a nagging feeling of "i should be doing the thing i'm postponing, not this other, more pleasant activity". Sometimes postponing something that makes me feel good - does feel good, the anticipation is building, but if i'm avoiding something i wouldn't like doing - even though i should be doing it out of respect for myself - there's that nagging voice and a feeling of frustration. Now that i put it this way, it's kind of obvious.

Finally, clarity - apparently it was my decision to go for a walk only after Baby Love has left the building. I have a doubt growing in my mind, it tells me that if i go for a walk now it will still feel wrong. Maybe i'm picking up my Baby Love's quality - that of resenting to go back on decisions.

No, i will uphold my initial proposal of waiting until she leaves, and suffer the consequences of frustration until then. On the other hand it's not fair - seems like i'm frustrated with my baby still being home. That's not cool, i placed a responsibility on her that she doesn't even know, and shouldn't even care about. I will then have some more of my cigarette, some more coffee, and then go out, even should the feeling of rightness be compromised. It's the fairest thing to do.