Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 19 Wednesday

Baby Love is still asleep. Woke up to a cat desperate for affection. Desperate up to a point. He likes to sit in my lap and purr and rub his face on my hands, asking me to pet him, but this morning, after a while, he softly bit my hands away and just lay there half asleep.

I'm following through with my plan to avoid entertainment until 2pm. Wanted to check out some lyrics but stopped myself. I guess reading is off by these standards. Too bad. .. On second thought, reading should be allowed. It's allowed. Decree!

Also wanted to check out Facebook. I only follow a photographer acquaintance of mine. This is surely off limits. Between reading a book and binging Netflix there is a bigger step than between Instagram and Netflix. For if i check out photos on Facebook, i might as well do so on Instagram too.

By the same principle, having intimate relations with myself or Baby Love is perfectly ok, but pornography is not. However, that doesn't mean i will wait until 2pm to watch porn. I'll still try to avoid porn altogether as an effort to become free of my addictions. I don't just randomly mention this, i actually feel a bit of that hanky-panky feeling coming on.

Two things however are my main objective for today: taking a walk and studying for the soon-to-come rehearsal.

[..] studying is going great, i didn't slack around these past few days and it shows.

Almost noon, only two more hours of non-entertainment. Time slipped by pretty quickly. After studying i'll take a walk, then chillax a bit and that's that, Netflix time. I'll do this 2pm thing for a while, then maybe i'll set it for 3pm.

[..] went to the post office on Baby Love's behalf but apparently it's too soon, the mailman hasn't returned from the field yet with our money. There was this peasant-type person (you could recognize him thusly by his complexion and the fact that he wore his hat perched on top on his head) making remarks that it's taking too long, and the lady behind the counter told him that he always does this and to either come back later or be quiet. She was in a good mood- i don't know why i'm relating all this here, it's not notable in the least, and i can't find anything funny about it.

One thing maybe worth mentioning, the generosity method paid off, there was a woman with a slightly retarded child (at least it seemed retarded), and this guy in front told her to cut the line. My first reaction was the onset of irritation, but i changed the tune immediately and became grateful for the opportunity to be generous. When it was her turn at the counter, the guy was trying to make conversation, smiling with his head tilted, as if feeling close to the lady and her woes, but i don't think it worked. His moves didn't pan out, there was no exchange of information. To me, he came off sleazy and desperate.

I refuse to believe that this is what "good guys" look like, that he was just being nice. You can be nice and have a reserved, decent attitude, instead of using a nice gesture as an excuse to broadcast your desperation and neediness. I said i was trying to be generous, not naive, and generally i'm right about people.

I just figured out a way to determine if i'm using "myself" correctly. I think my aggression is flaring up, for i was imagining a comment from one of you guys telling me the aforementioned guy was just being nice, and i also worded my imaginary reply: "You weren't there, and even if you were, you have to admit to the possibility that i'm more experienced in reading body-language than you." :) "You", not "yourself". So in the future, if i have doubts about "myself" or "me" or even using "I", i should try to transpose it to the 2nd person and see if i would use "you" or "yourself". Mostly going on instinct here, since i'm no expert on English grammar.

40 minutes to go until 2pm. I'm on the toilet again, becoming less encumbered. I wish we had one of those bottom-cleaners built into the toilet. Wiping is not my favorite activity.