Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Apr 08 Wednesday

I've had some ideas today for to putting in the diary (i wrote it like that intentionally) but for some reason i abstained. Now i can't hold this one in. I've been struggling with a desire for movement but at the same time a lack of mood for movement on my body's part. My brain wants me to move but my body doesn't. Frustration through the roof. Then i stood motionless, forcing myself not to move even if itching started, but my mother called and i interrupted the exercise. I think the frustration is connected also to not being allowed outside. I can feel it still. On the other hand, i've been reading an interview with one of my favorite musicians and they referred to their instrument as a "work horse". It felt inspiring to look at it that way, and a part of me wants to make my body a work horse. Work horse- something to rely on, that you can count on to do the job, something that isn't spoiled, doesn't cry or moan, just gets up and does whatever you put it to. This would mean moving even when my body is not in the particular throws for movemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm my m was slacking off, not registering the key pressed. Perhaps my keyboard is out of battery? We'll see. Now it seems to be working fine, after i pressed it repeatedly.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm works good. I would hate it if the keyboard became temperamental. When it comes to writing, it's my workhorse. I will try for a while to put my body through the motions even if it doesn't want to move, see what happens. With music, i have a theory that if you play when not in the mood, you develop a strained and degraded relationship with your instrument. Like playing only for technique, it makes you hate the instrument in a way because you associate it with the frustration of doing the exercises. Many people don't find this to be the case, or at least they don't bitch about it like i do. Don't get me wrong, i don't want to move my body for technique or anything, any part of my body will do, and any motion is fine. Even not moving, i guess, but i find that i need a bit of focus on this part, a bit of discipline. I mean, i do a lot of mind/body practice, but it's often interrupted by looking up stuff on the internet, or watching dance videos, or other stuff that's albeit not entertainment per se, but a distraction none the less. Maybe (and thanks to writing for being a source of self-confrontment) the idea is not necessarily to move when i'm not in the mood for it, but to eliminate distractions like looking up stuff online or watching dance videos, chess videos or playment, stuff like that. At least for a few stretches of time. Smoking is another distraction. Spurts of - let's say - 20 minutes or whatever i feel like at the moment, could be 10, could be 5, could be half an hour, but stretches if time during which i don't do anything other than the mind/body practice, movement or standing still, waiting or breathing, whatever. The timer is my friend. The timer is my friend. No distractions.

I'm listening to mynoise.net nature radio channel.