Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Apr 04 Saturday - part 2

It occurs to me that i have no marketable skills. Well, i have some marketable skills and some abilities. I will list them:

Marketable skills:
Writing, BUT i have no disposition to write other than in my diary...
Music, BUT only the commercial part of my music-making, which doesn't produce so much cash, only one concert a month or so with my current band set-up
Customer care, BUT my stress management is too bad for a real job in this department, plus the income is pretty limited
Dance, BUT besides teaching others how to move like you do, there is little-to-no money to be made in this field with my style and expertise
Advice-giving, BUT you need a degree to give advice professionally, like be a therapist or something
Massage, BUT i don't want to massage women, plus my skills in this are pretty subjective, it falls more under the intuition ability
What else?
My main ability, i would say - besides the creative stuff - is making people feel good about themselves, have a better outlook on stuff and maybe find some insight on what to do next. This ability needs some honing still. Being there for people.

The reason i'm taking this thought process is that lately i feel the need to produce some funds for my Baby Love and myself. I feel i reached a level with my creative crafts that i'm satisfied with, at least for the time being, so maybe it's time to branch out. I have decisions to make. I have some choices. I will list these as well:

1. Keep upgrading my creative process, deepening my understanding of music and dance without the want for financial remuneration
2. Try to make some money with my creative endeavors, if it means compromising on certain fronts, like playing some more commercial music
3. Find a way to be a mentor to others with my mind/body practice, something that pays
4. Going back to school for psychology and become a therapist
5. Become better at chess and then be a teacher
6. Learning a new skill from scratch, like the stock market

I will talk about each of them for a little bit.

1. Do mostly the same as i've been doing for a few years. Go deeper with my understanding of music and dance and creative stuff. This is the purest approach, it means dedicating the foreseeable future to creativity and not making money. This has one drawback however, it means depending on others for financial support. This may prove tricky in a few years when maybe my parents will have fewer resources to spare. It may also mean that part of me will be forever frustrated by the fact that i can't or won't provide for my family. This is debatable, maybe if i get things clear in my head about this i won't feel the frustration anymore. Also, on this front, there is the possibility of some help from the government due to my psychotic disorder, but that income would most likely be negligible and i would depend on the State, which is not very encouraging on the whole.
2. Playing some more commercial music. This is doable, i could branch out with what i've doing for this past concert, try to find gigs and stuff. The income for this is not very stable and not too high though. Plus, i'd be doing the higher entity of creativity a disservice, since this type of music is not what i'm geared for, i may have talents for more obscure music that would go unharnessed. All the other choices except #1 have this disadvantage, my resources would be diminished for the pure approach.
3. In order to become a mentor with my mind/body practice, i would have to develop a following. So far my efforts for this have proven unsuccessful, the road to being famous is wrought with frustration and failure, i don't know entirely if it's even possible. Maybe i'm looking at this the wrong way? Perhaps there are some support systems in place that would help me with this #3 choice?
4. Getting a degree in psychology, but i don't know if i want the responsibility of taking care of so many people. Maybe it would stress me out? This is the reason i haven't been doing this so far, and it's been an option since i finished high-school. Another sub-option for this would be to become a personal coach of some sort, but this runs into the problems of choice #3, developing a following.
5. I don't know if i'm that much into the chess pieces. I've been studying chess for a few years on and off, and i think if it were meant to be, i'd be doing it more, right?
6. What is that new skill? Is it the stock market? I don't feel necessarily that finance is the thing for me. I'm not so fascinated with the news, i don't feel the need to be up to date with the events and stuff. We'll see about this. What other skill could i acquire? Mind you, i'm still young so anything is on the table. I guess you can never be too old to learn a new skill, that's how i feel. I'm constantly developing on the creative side, so i don't think i'm out of touch with my learning curves.

I feel like most of what i'm doing is like a side-project. I mean, i've been delving in the creative stuff for so long, .. well, i could say that creativity is my main subject, but every instrument, writing, dancing, music, nothing feels like it could be a main thing. They each have their place in my heart and drive and inspiration. So if creativity is my main thing, i have other side projects, like chess for example, for which i have a constant interest, but not so much as to devote a certain amount of time each day for it. Maybe i'm not so disciplined? I would like to, and have tried, to do a little of everything that interests me for a certain amount of time each day, and i wasn't able to keep it up for long. Sometimes i'm not in the mood for something, and if i do it because i have to, then my relationship with that thing changes, becomes distorted. I don't want to lose my relationship with these directions.

I think the best approach for now is to keep doing what i've been doing until a choice becomes obvious. That's my main method of making decisions. Waiting until between the variants, there becomes one bigger and brighter than all the rest.

My parents are doing their best to provide me with a work-free life, in order to avoid having more psychotic episodes. This is a discussed, on the table fact. More so, in a recent conversation about that personal status chart i've done for myself, my father objected to me putting 50% for my financial status. He said it should be 99%, with the reservation that you can't be 100% about something like finances. I think he took it a bit personal that i would put only 50%. I then changed it to 75%, with the 25% reserved for the fact that i'm not currently providing for my family.