Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Mar 06 Friday

I'm sitting outside the mall close to our home. The cat broke Baby Love's coffee mug, spilled coffee all over the kitchen floor so i went to purchase a personalized mug. I won't divulge the personalization, it's a secret between me and Baby Love. I'll only say that it's a very short text.

I decided against getting food since yesterday's outing was a feeding frenzy. Today is more austere. Just coffee, cigarettes and writing. And some breakfast cereal biscuits i happen to have on me since yesterday, when i equipped myself, saying that if i get snackish i'll just consume biscuits. That went down the drain, i couldn't resist the best kebab in the area - and at a good price.

[..] Duday i've been doing stuff. Since i woke up. Didn't wait at all, if you don't count the time i spent outside the mall, where i watched how people walk and move. But at home, waiting, nada. Good part is i haven't been stressed out, even with everything i've been doing, playing chess, practicing my instrument for the concert, everything. On the other hand, something that might relieve stress is i've been expressing my mood or fancy through movement and posture. This seems to put me in a good mood.

I felt the need to go to the toilet and i blew it by sitting in my living room writing.

[..] Baby Love left for the 8 o'clock movie. Not until we had pleasureful coitus. Which was after we talked about our relationship possibly heading a bit in a downwards direction due to the fact that we haven't been having very frequent intercourse and haven't been going out much.

I feel our relationship is very safe, if i had to choose just one way of spending eternity with Baby Love, it wouldn't be outside and it wouldn't be on top of each other in the embrace of love-making. It would be just in the same room, no phones - no laptops - no tv. No screens that is.

I do however have to take into consideration her needs as well, she tells me once every two weeks is too few for passion, and that she enjoys us going out together too much to do it so rarely.

I think one reason why we haven't been going out so much is that somehow, in the back of my mind, i wanted to encourage Baby Love to be the Baby Love that she was before we started living together. A very independent Baby Love. Well, not exactly that, but to regain her own identity, reclaim her own world of art and going out alone, things that are her own, part of a corner of her universe that doesn't involve me. I don't want her to get lost in the identities I attribute her.

On the other hand, i know she's too untamed to lose herself in my encompassings. I want to possess her, but on the other hand i just want to be an outside observer, a witness to the marvel.

Fun fact, our not going out is not because i haven't left the apartment at all. I have, and quite a bit lately, rehearsals, taking walks, going on short little trips to buy stuff.

[8 minutes later or so] i called up Baby Love and set a date for tomorrow to go ride the subway together.

Anyway, she left and i feel sort of useless. I watched a bit of chess, lit a candle, and sat for a bit while it was still light outside. I'm in the mood for stuff. I think i should do them, it's already 7pm and the only entertainment i had today was watching a short part of a movie together with Baby Love. And a clip of Metallica playing Master of Puppets on Howard Stern.

I feel like consuming, but at the same time a bit disappointed that i didn't do much waiting today. Let me go smoke and think about what to do a little more.

[5 minutes later] it's about a quarter past 7. I shall wait until 8 to get into all the entertainment, with the allowance to write, listen to music and smoke. I'll listen to some Grimes: Baby Love said me and her would get along, and i want to understand what she thinks of me.

[7:45] i'm hungry, can't wait to put food in my mouth, taste it, chew it then swallow and feel it travel the distance from the mouth to the stomach.

Grimes' music is very detailed and a lot of girl power is coming through, but i got bored relatively quickly. A neutral voice, but much darkness is coming through, masked by all the texturing, testimony to her checkered past. I much prefer the gay Sigur Ros. Now i switched to some Derek Bailey to clean my ears and visit the never-ending desert of emptiness and the swell of silence between sounds, which Grimes lacks.