Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 24 Sunday

Yesterday i smoked just six cigarettes without putting too much effort. I needed a break from the fight against addiction. I didn't pork out instead with the food, ate cleverly, not taking into account what i wanted, but .. actually, not good to say that i didn't take into account what i wanted, because i want tot eat like this. Better to say that i didn't take into consideration what my addiction wanted. Yes, this way of putting it seems more correct. I ate only when i felt my stomach being empty, and then small portions. Baby Love made meatloafs, lots of them, some with chicken and curry and others with pork and herbs. Wondrous all of them, plus mashed potatoes, sauce and salad. Very very good, i ate the same thing 3 times yesterday, it was so delicious.

Still losing weight, which is great. I'm losing some weight every day, usually about a pound or less, but it's still significant. This decision, this eating habit seems to be one of those changes that sticks over time with little to no effort. It's just better, makes more sense, not indulging always into my cravings.

Last night i dreamed that i was going to a workplace near the center of the city we live in, and there was a swarm of locusts or insects or something, and they smelled so bad that i pooped myself little by little trying to get inside along with all the other desperate workers. I don't know about their knicker situation but mine was deplorable. Before this i was with Baby Love somewhere in the countryside buying some sort of illegal pie from someone who was making it and selling it illicitly. Others were buying too.

Yesterday i wrote a journal entry in my native language. I didn't publish it anywhere, in fact i deleted it just after i wrote it. It felt very good, like a stream of consciousness thing, i was typing with such thirst and gusto. There are some things that i would like to write about but wouldn't like to make public. Like descriptions of the pornography i watch or something, some things that enter my mind that i'm not proud of, mean things, hateful replies or comments that i want no one to know. It felt like a good way to confront myself with these things that usually i just let go past me without a second thought and move on. It felt very good to dig a little deeper into my train of thought. Plus it was my native language, and knowing i would delete and not show anyone, i didn't mind making spelling mistakes, capitalizing the first letter in sentences, you know, the stuff i do for you guys. To be an easy reading experience. Rather uninterrupted than easy.

[..] i would very much like to have the availability to write about other stuff than my diary. It's the same as playing conventional music, i can't fathom it somehow. There's no availability. Of course some experimentation is welcome in writing too, maybe i can find my niche. My niche other than this niche, the diary. But what? I would like something that could make me some dough as well. Something like ghostwriting. That would be ideal, if i could just pop out books on a conveyor belt. Not articles, or i don't know, maybe articles? Present stuff, write about stuff in a neutral way, no personal opinions. But no, i feel much closer to fiction. Maybe it's like it is with music, even though i listen to a lot of conventional music, it's not for me to play. I wonder how should i start this experimentation. Possibly the best way to start is with something small. Like that story i wrote a while back. But with stories it's hard to change the subject, you have to keep a focus on where you wish to get to. Same with storytelling in music, i can focus on it, but it's not my preferred way. Just take the instrument in my arms and play. That's the activity i like the most, the connection between the physical side, my body, and the sound. Let me think this through. What do i like the most about writing? It's the act of pressing the keys. Let me try some more random typing.

Jdoenkdjfnekrjtototojdls jsken firn lglktjenf d os menth rh enr hrnt ifod nk

It's very pleasant, but most pleasant is to make words of it. Make some sense. That's the most pleasant. To know what i want to write and write exactly that. This is different from my music. In music i love the not-knowing part. To venture into the unknown from a sound point of view. The instinct. But in writing i don't have that, at least not yet. Maybe i could write random words that i make up. Let me see, maybe this is done most naturally in my native language. Let me try it in English for the experiment's sake.

Makerow pungent disparage crunt merzbow niche ballistic.

In english i don't have the same ear for words, i mostly write words that i know already, i can't seem to create words easily. But in my native language, different story. I wonder why, maybe it's the way my brain works. Let me try that for a little, in my native language, in a separate document.

[..] it works, but still not the best satisfaction. It's like playing random notes almost, there no sense to it, just writing the syllables that i hear in my head. The most satisfaction comes from writing sentences that make sense. Plus, it's pretty arduous, takes a long time to write something. No, this writing actual sentences that connect to one another seem to make me feel the most satisfied. Now.. the question remains: what to write about, if not myself. ...... what to write about? The diary makes it reeeealy easy, i just write my internal dialogue. I don't have to make anything up. I just write the ideas that come to my head. My mind. There's a certain excitement with making stuff up and writing them, like in a story, but it's too intense. No, this is the best, writing my internal dialogue. So instead of writing about other stuff that i make up, i can just think about other stuff and write what i think, right? This is a good direction in which to experiment with. Just think about stuff and write about them. Although, i don't know how much of that would pertain to this diary, so i would have to write somewhere else, in a different document, which i wouldn't publish here on Wattpad. That's good, figure out the logistics of it. Next logistic is wether i would want to publish what i write. I think i don't need to think about this right now, i'll figure this one out as i go along. Next, what language should i use. I would very much like to have something that i write in my native language as well. Gotta stretch those muscles too, don't i? Ok so let's recap: open a separate document, think about something, then write about that thing in whatever language, possibly my first language. Ok, good to go. I wonder why i can't do this here in my diary. I think one reason would be the anonymity. I would like to write about stuff that pertain to my geographical position, my identity, my gender possibly. Stuff that i wouldn't want you guys to know. The diary is too private to have connected to who i am specifically. I don't want people to read my diary and know who i am. Put a name to the ideas that i motor down here. Ok let's try it.