Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 16 Sunday

Yay i posted the first entry today. Like i said i would. Satisfying. I feel good today, decided to put on some music for a change, maybe break the peace-and-quiet cycle i've been struggling with for the past few days.

I ate a bit too much yesterday, and with the lack of exercise i gained like a pound, 400 grams. My scale is a bit faulty, it rounds out the weight to some predetermined steps, like for a few days it stated that i had exactly 99.5 kg (about 200 pounds). I think it's impossible to not vary at all, even a 100 gram displacement in weight would have been more realistic. Oh well..

Since we bought this keyboard at my insistence a few months early, i decided not to ask Baby Love for anything until my birthday. I think that's fair, plus i have a tendency for shopping, so this disposition will help keep my shopping in check. I will have to make due with my current scale.

The real effort is keeping the calorie journal with this really great app, "My FitnessPal" i think it's called. Not so much an effort, i chose this word because for the last two days i've been eating more than i should, up until then i had no qualms with it, always stayed under. You know what i'm doing differently? I'm entering the food only after i eat it, this has to stop. Before! This way i can keep it under control a bit better.

Yesterday i spared no calorie expense. I know it's probably a bad way to view it, but i, in a small measure, imagine that i give calories to the app and gain food. Thus, i have a 1970 calorie spending limit each day.

I have to take up walking about my neighborhood each day again. According to my watch, walking fast burns more calories than my former workout at my ex-gym. You don't say, i said to myself.

[..] Alright, i did it, took a walk outside. Feels really good to do something you aim for, even if it's something small. Real confidence boost. Now i'm back to my indoor music, smoking my three-puffs-at-a-time and sipping coffee. I do feel a bit tired, it kinda shows i haven't been going out for a while. Tomorrow, same thing.

I should figure out a way to feel safe enough to talk about my self-pleasure on this platform. I guess i just did, a little bit, haven't i? Don't worry, i won't go into the specifics, i'll approach it from an addiction point of view, since i'm addicted to pornography, as i stated yesterday. For a while i hadn't been using porn (is that the correct way to say it? Hadn't been? I hope so, let me check.. apparently it stands) but i got back into it. Maybe today i should aim to have a small session of self-pleasure without porn.

[..] did that too. Wow, huge confidence boost, exercising two good habits in a row! First, talking a walk outside, then having an intimate relation with myself without porn. For me, porn is very inefficient, strictly from a time consumption stand-point, and often the result is less intense than all the anticipation. This way, without porn, is more pure, more of what i said earlier, an intimate act between me and myself. Very satisfying.

I feel like i have to thank you, my reader, i feel supported just by the fact that my experience has witnesses through this platform. My accomplishments may not seem like much to someone without addiction issues, but trust me, for us, even small things like these are actually pretty huge. It's the trust in one's self that small steps towards independence bring.

I never felt weak in a general sense, but i know i am vulnerable. I have to get my tolerance to stress up to par. Small steps. Today i feel very accomplished, i intend to keep listening to music and this way leave the warm comfort that the illusion of peace and quiet offers. I don't want to be a hermit, i want to enjoy again the crowded city full of despair and hard looks. Ideally, to shed my own hardness and wear instead the feeling of safety in stressful situations, assaulted as i may be by strangers' will of where i should walk and how. Perhaps increase the hardness of the shell around my essence, and be soft and malleable at the exterior.