Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Apr 27 Monday

I've been doing it since Saturday afternoon. More like i haven't been doing something that i used to. Not obligating my body to move. Just asking it and waiting patiently for the way to present itself. I finally defined a deconstructionist way to dance all the time. Adding something to my regular state didn't work because the focus to keep something activated was tiring after a few hours. But this is done with no effort. I'm very happy and satisfied. Been playing some music too, it comes very easy. Many things come easy, like work: i've done some sweeping, helped Baby Love out with her bathroom project, these actions apparently are easily approved, my body cooperates well. Hardest of all is smoking, it just doesn't want to do it readily, much patience is required. Getting up is troublesome as well, but i can handle it. Depends on the motivation for getting up. If i want to get up to go pee, and if i want it done easily, i have to wait until the need is stringent. Otherwise it's a lot of waiting to find the right tension in the right muscles to accompany the necessary motion of getting up or otherwise doing stuff. It's the same as with music. Sometimes i want to play a note but if i play the single note it doesn't come easy, feels wrong somehow. I have to find another note or set of notes in order to reach my desired one naturally.

I wonder how my masturbatory sessions will go. Intercourse with Baby Love was heated and came very easy, plus my body was much more cooperant afterwards. It still wanted to hump even after the event was over.

This new development makes me very satisfied as a creative person, it's a constant dialogue with my body, with questions, answers and awkward positions with lots of tension that comes very easily. I haven't lost weight yet due to this, but i've been eating a bit more, Baby Love's cooking is just too good to keep a diet going. I've stagnated at a weight that i had a few years ago, but it still is about 35 pounds more than what my goal is. We'll see.

I'm very curious about my body. It feels like it has a mind of it's own, connected of course to my own. A questions arises, if my body is lazy or something. Why doesn't it want to move the way i ask it to? Perhaps it's too soon to tell, having enslaved it for so long before this small breakthrough. I say "small", and Baby Love tells me that i probably will soon move on to the next thing and forget about it, but i truly hope she's wrong and that i'm being too modest. I've had breakthroughs before, or what felt as such, and have moved on, but some things did remain. Now i'm speaking of my music. What remained i guess is my lack of predetermined style. My constant seeking of the unknown, to which i should have to adapt all the time. That's why i document all these modes of playing my instrument, when in fact the only constant is the time spent with the instrument in my hands, ready to play, not necessarily playing it but having it ready within a few inches of my interest. Maybe this could be the same as having the body as an instrument. The time spent respecting my body and not forcing it to do my bidding would be considered time spent with the instrument, as equals. I hope i don't tire of this way of being, or become too frustrated and return to being 100% in charge. Or some figure approaching 100%, because you can never own your body 100%, it will always find a way to rebel and surprise. In this mode of being, eliminating the slavery that we've all been taught as children, i'm giving a lot of power back to my body. A lot of independence. I hope in time i will learn more about it and facilitate these conversations with it further. Anyway, i expect it to always be a small struggle, a constant negotiation.

I have to poop. I better go and wait on the toilet.

[..] it occurred to me that i may be romanticizing a bit in my descriptions, but then i did some research and apparently the world wide web is ready to accept that there are these entities: the body, the mind, and possibly, i would propose, a third entity. Not the soul. But the thing that i would call "me". Of course they are connected, but i think a separation can be made between me and my mind. For example, back when i was struck with the sickness of jealousy over Baby Love's past, i eventually asked my mind to help me defeat it, and that's when the tide turned in my favor. Indeed i, or perhaps better to say, we defeated. In an article online stood stated that in order to listen to your body you should speak kindly to it and treat it with respect. I haven't done these things very much so far. Mind you, i actually searched "my body doesn't listen to me" and mostly the results were concerned to how you could listen to your body, not the other way around. I found this funny.

So maybe i will delimitate these three entities, the mind, the body, and finally me. Not the soul. I don't know much about the soul so i can't determine how to treat it, if there was such a thing. Sometimes you want to do something, the mind doesn't want to work. Sometimes you want to do something else, the body doesn't want to. Or you want to do nothing and your body and mind disagree and want to jump around while doing math problems when you're ready to go to bed. So we'll see how these negotiations proceed between these three. Sometimes the mind speaks things to you that you shouldn't believe. In this sense, you can be wiser than your mind, smarter. The mind is easy to fool i think, it almost does all the work by itself. Or at least in my addiction-riddled situation.