Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 18 Monday

Well, yesteday was great, and today i still feel less feeling_like_smoking than i used to. Maybe it's the same as always but usually i drown myself in smoke until the withdrawal comes on it's own. Does what i wrote make sense? Let me check. Yup, it makes sense. Anyway, i have a suspicion that the craving feeling is still there, because i'm in a Mood, cranky and insufferable, but it's not focused on a certain body part. It's my whole body. Okay as i'm writing it's starting to take shape around my throat area. Let me succumb and smoke, we'll pick up where we left off yesterday.

[..] there was a temptation to time the intervals between smokes, but even though it adds some extra discipline and part of me relishes this, most of me feels that it's just a shortcut and cannot lead to success. Although, now that i use this word, i have to inquire. Success? My goal is not to quit smoking altogether. It's just to experience, adapt, overcome, integrate this new frustration level, the craving. My goal is to live with it. Smoke less, eat less, whatever, my focus is just this, transform inside myself so that the craving becomes the new normal.

[..] i touched myself, ate some great food, coffee, had 2 cigarettes so far.. life is not at all shabby. I'm listening to some rain noise on Spotify and i feel like dancing. What i'm going through is not that hard, with the desires. Not that hard. A bit uncomfortable i guess, but maybe because i'm so used to fight these feelings, to avoid them, to keep myself satisfied always. Not a good strategy. Some limits must be imposed. If i smoke one cigarette per day i think i would be happy. Or better yet, none. So far it's about 5 for each of the last two days, since i started. 5 cigarettes a day is not too bad either. But i would like to not have to smoke at all. That would be most excellent. Right now i'm feeling some throat action from the withdrawal. It's starting to sink in that this is the new normal. Like with the Coronavirus. No more free hugs on the street, right? The free hugs people have to understand that this is the new normal. Same with me. My normal state of being is with this feeling of longing for satiety.

[..] again the temptation to smoke at regular intervals. I don't know why exactly, but still think it's connected to not accepting the cravings as part of everyday life. I'm becoming preoccupied with twiddling down the number from 5 cigarettes to maybe less, but i think this shouldn't be my objective, at least not yet. My objective is to become used to having unsatisfied cravings.