Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 May 10 Sunday

Yesterday me and Baby Love came up with a sort of ribbon system like in kindergarden, where if you're good you get a white ribbon, if you're bad you get a black one, if you want to say "i love you", that's a red ribbon and so on. It was fun to attribute verbal ribbons, even gifs when we had our phones nearby. Later we remembered that we used to stand in the corner as kids to serve punishments, and we decided to assign this duty among ourselves if we feel the other has been mistreating us. We each took turns standing in the corner (we decided on a corner in the house) and discovered it's heartbreaking to see the other being punished. This after a long talk about how to punish our cat, with food or without, after two days ago's donuts which i didn't eat right out of the frying pan as punishment to myself for making Baby Love feel bad. Then i asked Baby Love if she feels i need to do some corner time for past mistakes and she said no, but then she asked me the same thing. I said yes and i'm ashamed i did so. She did like 30 seconds until i stopped her. At the same time, the cat was serving his own punishment for being bad. So there was an interval of about 30 seconds when i punished both my Baby Love and my cat at the same time. Pretty low of me, i would say. The past regressions she compensated for are just that she didn't feel the same way about me when we were at our beginnings as i did about her, meaning i wanted us to always be together and stare at each other's faces all the time in celebration of the fact that we are together, whereas she is more independent and wanted to go for walks alone and stare out the window instead of my stupid head. I had a hard time accepting this and parts of my soul felt like they were breaking off in acceptance of this nature of things, our difference. In retrospective, i think her independence is part of what makes her so attractive, so i'm thankful for her being who she is, wild and untamed, it just makes me want her all the more.

The sad thing is me feeling like i needed to be compensated for this wildness, and wanting to put Baby Love in the corner. What made it slightly but bitterly worse was how nice she was to me afterwards. The last thing i want is to tame Baby Love and make her more obedient, i don't want to be that person, if there ever could be such a person, which i doubt. One of my lowest moments. Something else i can't be proud of.

I remember in the movie Ip Man, there was a scene where this guy, friend of Ip's, comes over with his family to visit Ip Man's, and they're at the table and he confesses to selling one of his children for money because they would have starved. Everyone storms off in outrage, the kids are relieved of their places at the table, all except Master Ip, who stays behind and all he does is listen to the man crying and pours him drinks one after the other, which the man downs at once. Very touching. I can relate a bit, as my coffee is spiked at the moment, and i'm regretting something i did. I know! I should stand in the corner for putting Baby Love in the corner. When she wakes up.

[..] i'm watching a chess super-Grandmaster named Hikaru Nakamura stream his chess games with commentary, and he's really annoying. But his games are great so i kept watching. And i found that there's a way where i can tolerate his style. It's somehow a decision inside that i will give him the room he needs (again, inside me) so he doesn't push my buttons, and it works. He doesn't. I notice that this decision reflects itself in the way i breathe, there's a little constriction in my diaphragm that makes me not absorb outside impulses, at least not as much. I'm listening to some avant-garde jazz and it just slips by with this new technique. Since discovering this genre, the rebellion of it appealed to me, now the thing inside me that needed an output or confrontation is almost gone i think, or has evolved, so i haven't been listening to this avant-garde stuff, although mostly it's what i play on my instrument. What i used to play, for lately i've been telling you that some transgressions are made, well, all the time: i started getting back into the blues. Anyway, so this technique of not letting something exterior become too close so as to get impacted and take hits from it. I'm guessing most people develop this coping mechanism, or some form of it, at an early age and it just carries with them for their whole lives. Buuuut me, with my drug consumption and psychotic episodes, my system must have unlearned this way of shielding from annoyance and pests, so i became more open. Very open. To the point of desperation, during my psychotic episodes. I must remember this coping technique that i found, let me write it on my focus board. ..there, i wrote it down. To practice this, i will leave on this crazy annoying music that i used to consume to feed my inner teenager when they were acting up.

[..] i did it for a few minutes and i felt some sort of pleasure in my torso, i wonder if it's really pleasureful or discomfort. Felt like pleasure.

I've always fought discomfort, frustration, anxiety. This technique comes from a letting go of control and adversity, like when you see in the movies that the people dancing on the dance ring make room for the hot couple to do their little sordid show. Instead of shouting at them that they're annoying for using up too much space, everybody just backs off and waits patiently for the clap-along at the end.