Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Feb 25 Tuesday

Today i woke up feeling a bit disconnected, possibly a result of yesterday's stress with all the gaming. One of the symptoms of psychosis is exactly this, rupture from reality. This feels very mild at the moment, it would help to talk to Baby Love a bit, but she has her own work and i wouldn't want to keep her.

Hopefully writing in my diary will have the same effect.

Baby Love just read my entry for yesterday and said it didn't seem off in any way. That's a relief, i wasn't in the mood to read it again. Writing it, it felt like my ideas weren't connecting somehow (to each other).

Good.

I feel better already. Today my writing speed is lower. I noticed that my word count for these past few entries has been lower than the first ones. Must be, like i said, the lack of frustration to contribute.

Let me put on some music, my neighbors are renovating and it's a bit loud at times.

Again, i have to admire my little set-up for writing. I wish you could see it, it's pretty sweet. The best-sounding little speaker out there, my phone perched on it's little shelf made by Baby Love, and this wonder display of keys, also arguably the best that you can get.

Both in sound and in typing i have this experience, so i can really appreciate good tools. I don't take pleasure in the fact that they're the best for it's own sake, of being the best out there, i appreciate my tools for the benefits they give me. Accurate sound, accurate typing experience, portability.

Maybe i could go somewhere today and type. Like, out on the town somewhere. Somewhere close by, enjoy some coffee.. but for that i would have to be fully dressed because i would have to be outside to smoke. Maybe just a little walk around the neighborhood and then back to my little set-up at home.

The 2pm entertainment curfew is still in place. Nothing much to do except work, study, write, my body/mind practice. Plus reading and listening to music. Sometimes 2pm arrives very fast, sometimes it's noon and i have 2 more hours left for myself. Now it's not even 10 thirty.

Two things are essential today: washing the grill and taking a walk. I better start with the grill.

[..] i did the grill. Mostly by hand, as Baby Love suggested for the lack of supplies, but i cheated a bit and used the dish sponge for the finishing touch.

I think i will postpone taking a walk until later in the day, i want to enjoy this morning without the input from outside.

Baby Love left for Ikea. She's dressed almost all in blue, my Blue Girl. She looks like a must-have, and i have her. She's mine. She's very cool.

My cat almost always cries when she leaves, and seeks consolation. I assured it she will return in a couple of hours, now it's back to it's old habits of making rounds. Checking out his usual spots. This apartment is his territory. From his point of view. The cat cuts back on the "safe haven" feel of the apartment, from my point of view. It's still young, bold and very energetic.

I think he ate some of the grill clean-up debris from the drain in the sink. I guess now you could say he's part of the clean-up crew. He's in fact part of the anything crew, always first in line to smell everything and be at the center of any undertaking. §§§§§§§§§§§0109 - this is what he wrote on his way to the top of the refrigerator. Solid writing, plus stopping my music.

As opposed to dogs, which you can train to do many things, a cat's only major accomplishment is to use the litter box. And be mysterious. Cats are very wild, compared to dogs.

[..] i reaffirmed my ability to please myself without pornography. I guess, technically, you could say i'm still addicted to it, but in practicality, if there are weeks or months when i don't use it, it means i'm not so hooked. I should be less dramatic, it's not something life-or-death. Drama only increases anxiety and i'm not so sure it helps with easing the addiction.

The worst part about addiction, or should i say my addiction, for it's not so harmful, is the feeling of being subjugated.

[..] i did some research on games some more, and watching it (close to entertainment, i know, but i'm disguising it as research) on youtube made get into that disruptive stress state, like last night. Just a little bit, but none the less. Baby Love was right, she said forget those damn games.

I know she's trying to protect me, but i have cravings. I wish i could do something to train my reflexes. I wonder what.

As a side-note, i ate a salad, an egg and two pieces of small toast. 299 calories in total. I think i can ditch the oil in my salads, that would save 120 calories. A tablespoon of oil is that much, if you can believe it. A ton. A butt-load. If i had not eaten the oil, it would have been approximately 179 calories. That's even better than my breakfast crackers, which are 220 calories, more or less, and full of carbs.

Enough about diet. I'll get to relaxation, take out the stress from watching those videos on virtual reality. After i break loose the chains of addiction some more, i think it's time to work on my stress-coping mechanisms. The former is my goal at this point with my therapist. To break the cycle of addiction and become friends with frustration. Learn to live with it.

The question remains, how should i train my physical reflexes? Does this stem from my need for adrenaline or some other hormone? I feel like my mind/body practice takes place at a slow tempo, and i need something that's fast-paced. Maybe i could increase the pace of my practice? I should dedicate some time to answering these questions.

Okay, after a few seconds of mind/body practice, one answer is clear at least. I can definitely increase the pace for my practice.

I shall try this. But first, a timer for 10 minutes of breathing to try to release the pressure of this game research stress.

[..] stress is all gone, it's now almost 6 and i'm finding myself full of cravings. I want to put something down my gullet. Soon, says Baby Love. I've begun The Walking Dead, but i want to take a 10 minute break to see if my cravings become less.

[..] 10 minutes of deep breathing later. I wonder if i can replace my other addictions with a new one, the tingly feeling of well-oxygenated cells. Seems healthy enough, doesn't it? Even better than the narcotic feeling of non-oxygenated cells, you know, when you move a lot and breathe in a shallow way. I think i want to keep doing it, 10 more minutes. Let me plug in the charger for my phone first.

[..] done some research on breathing correctly, and focused on my breathing for a while but even if it gives an immediate sense of calm, the proper breathing, the actual focus puts me in a state of anxiety and immobility. First things first, i'll try not to breathe through my mouth anymore. Sometimes i'm a mouth-breather. Connotations are bad, but i believe in my capacity. What i don't believe in are my habits. My habits need to change.

Like, for example, the fact that today i exceeded my calorie intake plan by 12 calories. I bet tomorrow morning i'll be heavier than today. Oh well, such is life.. and i will have had reached a milestone, too. "I will have had reached", is it ok to say it like that?

I confessed to Baby Love that never in my life have i had food that's so consistently good. I ate delicious food in the past, but i don't feel that it was on an everyday basis. I hypothesized that it's because of her that i enjoy food so much more. She asked me not to tell my parents this so they don't get offended. I think they would understand, but will listen to her plea anyway.

Having exceeded my calorie goal by 12 calories, i said earlier that i should go for a walk to burn that off. Then, after the movie ended, i didn't feel like walking anymore, as my anxiety finally dropped to regular levels. Baby Love said i could do some stepper exercises, but i denied this as well saying that my phone doesn't record my steps while inside the house. I'm not too proud of the reason i offered for not taking a walk or exercising. Feels like a shortcut, and even as i said it out loud, it seemed to me sad-funny.

Watched this really fun movie about an Instagram stalker, it's called "Ingrid" something on Netflix.

One of our favorite mating rituals is grooming each other. I wonder where this instinct comes from.

I feel like i'd be wasting my time if i consumed more entertainment this evening. It's a little past 9pm. Maybe it's time to push the entertainment curfew one hour. 3 pm starting tomorrow.

And i'm going to not entertain myself until 10pm tonight. Then we'll see. - Wow, how hard it was to gather my thoughts enough to remember to write "then we'll see". I think i'm going to study some chess, get my mind working.