Personal Diary / Journal - art, addiction and a whole lotta love

2020 Mar 10 Tuesday

I'm thinking of suspending my rehearsals until this virus loses some ground.

Today i lost some more weight. Actually it's not a new weight, i've been this heavy during the past few weeks, but have gained some since. Now it's receding again.

I'm in the mood for entertainment, even though it's only 10 past 11. Yesterday i had some cravings as well, and i ate lots of sweets.

I haven't been in the mood to write about daily stuff these past few days. I don't know why, probably just wanted to keep them between me and Baby Love, or just me.

Oh, doo-doo time. [a few seconds later] good, i'm in the doo-doo room, makin ma dudu. How's that for keeping things to myself?

I feel like i'm not yet in the work-dat rhythm. Feel like playing video games and drinking. I had anticipated the start of the week, feeling that i may finally return, after a long weekend of debauchery, to my ascetic ways. But now all i can think about is a Nintendo Switch Lite on which i could play some shooters.

[a few minutes later] if you want to play online with a Nintendo Switch Lite, there's a subscription. Not very cool. I feel like it's not worth it. I better renounce this passion for gaming and stick to what already works on my devices: chess. Chess has the added advantage that it's allowed during my non-entertainment hours. Let me play some, see how i feel.

[..] i searched online and you can connect a PS4 controller to your devices other than a PS4. The controller is like $60. Not too shabby. I have no guarantee it would work though. The trouble with buying a real console is that when we move to another country we won't have a TV to play on.. maybe i should give up this need, try to not want to play so much. I did play some chess but still i'd like to play that shooter game. I've missed playing shooter games ever since i haven't been playing quake3. I was pretty good and now i miss it.

There's another thing too, since i don't have a job i feel like as little entertainment consumption as possible is more appropriate. I should focus on earning some money. The reason why i don't have a job is my overwhelmingly poor stress management. As a person with a precedent in psychotic episodes, taking medication for it as well, i'm entitled to some social compensation of the financial type. Not much, i want to look into arranging to receive it.

Yet another argument for disavowing shooter games is that they're violent and i already have the occasional violence dream where i kill everyone.

[..] i switched to chess. I'm searching for a way to play chess without thinking, based solely on instinct. Finding that there could possibly be a way to achieve such a system. I play longer games and spend enough time looking at the board, letting my mind understand it, that the next move becomes sort of obvious, or at least easy to make. So far i beat two guys using this system, admittedly they are about my level.

[..] i am having some cravings, today is a much lower-calorie day than the previous days, so i'm doing a lot of waiting to dispel it.

[..] we are beginning a self-quarantine in our home. We both feel that it is time. We went shopping this morning and bought some more supplies. More updates tomorrow.